Wednesday, November 9, 2011

So Unhappy

Why is it so hard for men to just live up to their expectations ? Every time I ask Mitch for anything, even just a little thing, he fucks it up. I know a lot of the things I ask him may seem like I don’t have the authority to ask, but I do it because I have no other way to have him prove to me that he’s changed. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my crazy, mixed up brain but I don’t know if it makes sense to other people. Tonight is the first night in forever that I’ve actually wanted to buy a bottle of liquor and just get wasted. That's a horrible way to feel, especially since I'm not supposed to be drinking but I just want this feeling to go away. I know it’s not a solution but I think I finally realized tonight that nothing is ever going to change. HE is never going to change. The worst part is, I actually slept with him last night. It’s been awhile since I had any so I was feeling really lonely and horny last night and asked him if he would “service” me. It was so good, and sweet, that I guess I ended up acting like a girl. It's not like I want to get back together or anything but he's starting to wear me down. Every time we talk he guilt trips me because I don't want to get back together and he does. So I've started feeling bad and thinking that maybe I'm just emotionally damaged and he has changed. Then tonight, he promises me he'll be back in an hour. He's only going home to shower and take care of some stuff. Three hours later and he's still not here. What the hell is wrong with me?! I know him. I know he can’t be trusted and he never follows through with anything, so why do I put myself through this? I must be a masochist, or maybe a glutton for punishment. Definitely a sucker. For sure! It's just that I'm so tired of being alone that I actually want to believe the good in him. Unfortunately, the only person suffering is me. Lovely.