Friday, July 15, 2011

Four steps backward

I am sitting here on this lovely Friday night and feeling very anxious. I can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. My lease is up at the end of the month and my situation is really messed up. I can't afford to get a place by myself right now so I've agreed to move in with my Bestie and her boyfriend. I've never lived with her before because she's almost 29 and still can't take care of herself. I have always felt that if we ever lived together it would be the end of our very long friendship. I don't want that. I really do love her a lot but her house is the house I go to when I want to party or the place everyone crashes at after the party is over. It's not the place you live at. It's not the place you go home to after a long days work and kick your feet up in the living room with a book and relax. I need my space. I need my quiet time. It's detrimental to my health. And there is always someone there. I don't think that house is ever quiet. It's like a frat house. I don't want to live in a frat house. I'm an adult. It's OK to go over there once in awhile and party but it's nice to be able to leave and come home to a HOME.

So I'm sitting here on the eve of what feels like the end of my freedom. There are always going to be people around me now no matter the time of the day. It's really eye opening and kind of nerve wracking.

One of the worst parts about the whole situation is that I had to get rid of one of my cats. Robbie already has two cats and a dog so I didn't want to bring my three cats over there. Ginger is the quietest of my three cats and she doesn't like being around a lot of people. I thought the best thing to do would be to let her live with Kammie for the next couple of months until I get my own place. Kammie used to be my roommate so Ginger knows her and will feel comfortable with her. I took Ginger to her house tonight and I swear it feels like I've lost one of my own kids. I didn't realize it would be this difficult but I am really sad to be parted with her. I've had her for 7 years; ever since she was a baby. So I guess it is kind of like parting with one of my own kids. This whole situation really blows.

I'm going to try to make the best of the situation once I get there. If I get overwhelmed I'm going to separate myself in my room and take some alone time. I'll really be saving on rent so that will be nice and every time I get stressed out I'll just repeat that over and over.

But tonight I can't help but be overcome with anxiety. Maybe I'll go take a valium and go to bed. There's nothing productive about sitting around worrying about things you can't change right?

1 comment:

  1. Correct, worrying solves little. Thinking about your situation, with introspection and developing a plan for the future (along with risks, mitigants and contigencies) is quite a good use of time. And to me, that seems what you have done.

    Hang in there, Madison Lush.