Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sick as shit

I spent a lovely two days in the hospital this week. The embarrassing part about the whole situation is that I’ve been there so much the ER doctor recognized me straight away. Didn’t even have to pull my history to see what I was there about. Pretty fucking lame if you ask me. I have a disease called pancreatitis and you usually get it from drinking too much or its hereditary. I am a double whammy, meaning it runs in my family and I drink too much. Or at least I did drink too much. Now I drink considerably less than I used to but it’s still considered too much because even one drop off alcohol now is too much for my pancreas to deal with. The ironic part of this situation is that I hadn’t even been drinking this time to cause the flare up.

I came home from work and was cooking dinner (Chinese), and then I started getting the stomach pains. At this point in the game I can tell how strong the attack will be just by the strength of the pains. This one wasn’t letting up so I headed into the ER. They tested my pancreas levels, (I can never remember the name. It’s like lybase, or licase levels). The normal level is up to 60 and mine were at 798, so they told me I had to be admitted.

The next two days are not any kind of fun. Even though they doped my up on dilauded every two hours, and gave me my own room, I wasn’t allowed to have any food or water the whole time. The point of being there is to give my pancreas a rest, so that means no food or water and being hooked up to the IV for two days. And I can’t even eat any good food for at least a week.

This is such a horrible disease but I am doing everything they say I should because the alternatives are not acceptable to me. I can either become a diabetic or will end up not being able to digest my food. I don’t have insurance anymore so this whole experience probably put me thousands of dollars in the hole. I can’t even blame anyone for my circumstances because I’ve basically put myself in this situation. No more binge drinking for me. Life is so awesome right now I can’t even explain it.

Crisis of faith

I'm having a crisis of faith. I don't believe in people anymore. I feel like somewhere along the line I got screwed over by too many people and it has made me lose my faith in others. I literally feel damaged or burned inside and I have to wonder if people ever come back from something like this? How do you regain the ability to trust other people when so many people that you have put your trust in have basically stomped all over it?

My best friend and I have recently decided to make our relationship official. We spend so much time together, and sleep together on occasion, so why not see where it goes? Except I'm me and we've already gotten into huge knock down drag out fights because I am a social retard and have no idea how to do the relationship thing anymore. I feel like there is this essential piece of me that got broken awhile ago, or I lost, and without it I am incapable of forming a lasting relationship with another human being. I thought that things would be different with him because he knows me better than anyone but it's not. I am acting the same way I did when we were just friends but it's like I'm not doing anything right. He wants me to talk to him more, and says I am being standoffish and not intimate. THIS IS ME!!! He wanted me so why the hell am I all the sudden doing something wrong? Why do things have to change when you are in a relationship? I guess otherwise we'd just still be friends with benefits right?

I constantly feel like the other shoe is going to drop and he's going to screw me over and there's nothing I can do about this. That piece of me that believed in happy endings, and people are generally good has been beaten out of me. I wonder, can I ever get that back or do I just find a way to connect with someone even though I've lost faith? Does being jaded make me a hard woman who's cold and brittle?

I don't know what the answers are but I know that somethings gotta give. I really can't keep going through the motions hoping things will be different and I don't want to give up hope. I'm too young to become my mother. She's in her 40's and already she knows she will be alone for the rest of her life. My grandmother was like that too. Truthfully, it scares the shit out of me. I want to be able to connect with someone, and share my life with them. I want kids and I want to stop seeing the worst in people. I guess my heart is really heavy this evening and I have a lot on my mind. I'm just glad I have this blog so I can put my thoughts down and I don't explode from them. I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a lighter day.