Wednesday, November 9, 2011

So Unhappy

Why is it so hard for men to just live up to their expectations ? Every time I ask Mitch for anything, even just a little thing, he fucks it up. I know a lot of the things I ask him may seem like I don’t have the authority to ask, but I do it because I have no other way to have him prove to me that he’s changed. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my crazy, mixed up brain but I don’t know if it makes sense to other people. Tonight is the first night in forever that I’ve actually wanted to buy a bottle of liquor and just get wasted. That's a horrible way to feel, especially since I'm not supposed to be drinking but I just want this feeling to go away. I know it’s not a solution but I think I finally realized tonight that nothing is ever going to change. HE is never going to change. The worst part is, I actually slept with him last night. It’s been awhile since I had any so I was feeling really lonely and horny last night and asked him if he would “service” me. It was so good, and sweet, that I guess I ended up acting like a girl. It's not like I want to get back together or anything but he's starting to wear me down. Every time we talk he guilt trips me because I don't want to get back together and he does. So I've started feeling bad and thinking that maybe I'm just emotionally damaged and he has changed. Then tonight, he promises me he'll be back in an hour. He's only going home to shower and take care of some stuff. Three hours later and he's still not here. What the hell is wrong with me?! I know him. I know he can’t be trusted and he never follows through with anything, so why do I put myself through this? I must be a masochist, or maybe a glutton for punishment. Definitely a sucker. For sure! It's just that I'm so tired of being alone that I actually want to believe the good in him. Unfortunately, the only person suffering is me. Lovely.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Four steps backward

I am sitting here on this lovely Friday night and feeling very anxious. I can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. My lease is up at the end of the month and my situation is really messed up. I can't afford to get a place by myself right now so I've agreed to move in with my Bestie and her boyfriend. I've never lived with her before because she's almost 29 and still can't take care of herself. I have always felt that if we ever lived together it would be the end of our very long friendship. I don't want that. I really do love her a lot but her house is the house I go to when I want to party or the place everyone crashes at after the party is over. It's not the place you live at. It's not the place you go home to after a long days work and kick your feet up in the living room with a book and relax. I need my space. I need my quiet time. It's detrimental to my health. And there is always someone there. I don't think that house is ever quiet. It's like a frat house. I don't want to live in a frat house. I'm an adult. It's OK to go over there once in awhile and party but it's nice to be able to leave and come home to a HOME.

So I'm sitting here on the eve of what feels like the end of my freedom. There are always going to be people around me now no matter the time of the day. It's really eye opening and kind of nerve wracking.

One of the worst parts about the whole situation is that I had to get rid of one of my cats. Robbie already has two cats and a dog so I didn't want to bring my three cats over there. Ginger is the quietest of my three cats and she doesn't like being around a lot of people. I thought the best thing to do would be to let her live with Kammie for the next couple of months until I get my own place. Kammie used to be my roommate so Ginger knows her and will feel comfortable with her. I took Ginger to her house tonight and I swear it feels like I've lost one of my own kids. I didn't realize it would be this difficult but I am really sad to be parted with her. I've had her for 7 years; ever since she was a baby. So I guess it is kind of like parting with one of my own kids. This whole situation really blows.

I'm going to try to make the best of the situation once I get there. If I get overwhelmed I'm going to separate myself in my room and take some alone time. I'll really be saving on rent so that will be nice and every time I get stressed out I'll just repeat that over and over.

But tonight I can't help but be overcome with anxiety. Maybe I'll go take a valium and go to bed. There's nothing productive about sitting around worrying about things you can't change right?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sick as shit

I spent a lovely two days in the hospital this week. The embarrassing part about the whole situation is that I’ve been there so much the ER doctor recognized me straight away. Didn’t even have to pull my history to see what I was there about. Pretty fucking lame if you ask me. I have a disease called pancreatitis and you usually get it from drinking too much or its hereditary. I am a double whammy, meaning it runs in my family and I drink too much. Or at least I did drink too much. Now I drink considerably less than I used to but it’s still considered too much because even one drop off alcohol now is too much for my pancreas to deal with. The ironic part of this situation is that I hadn’t even been drinking this time to cause the flare up.

I came home from work and was cooking dinner (Chinese), and then I started getting the stomach pains. At this point in the game I can tell how strong the attack will be just by the strength of the pains. This one wasn’t letting up so I headed into the ER. They tested my pancreas levels, (I can never remember the name. It’s like lybase, or licase levels). The normal level is up to 60 and mine were at 798, so they told me I had to be admitted.

The next two days are not any kind of fun. Even though they doped my up on dilauded every two hours, and gave me my own room, I wasn’t allowed to have any food or water the whole time. The point of being there is to give my pancreas a rest, so that means no food or water and being hooked up to the IV for two days. And I can’t even eat any good food for at least a week.

This is such a horrible disease but I am doing everything they say I should because the alternatives are not acceptable to me. I can either become a diabetic or will end up not being able to digest my food. I don’t have insurance anymore so this whole experience probably put me thousands of dollars in the hole. I can’t even blame anyone for my circumstances because I’ve basically put myself in this situation. No more binge drinking for me. Life is so awesome right now I can’t even explain it.

Crisis of faith

I'm having a crisis of faith. I don't believe in people anymore. I feel like somewhere along the line I got screwed over by too many people and it has made me lose my faith in others. I literally feel damaged or burned inside and I have to wonder if people ever come back from something like this? How do you regain the ability to trust other people when so many people that you have put your trust in have basically stomped all over it?

My best friend and I have recently decided to make our relationship official. We spend so much time together, and sleep together on occasion, so why not see where it goes? Except I'm me and we've already gotten into huge knock down drag out fights because I am a social retard and have no idea how to do the relationship thing anymore. I feel like there is this essential piece of me that got broken awhile ago, or I lost, and without it I am incapable of forming a lasting relationship with another human being. I thought that things would be different with him because he knows me better than anyone but it's not. I am acting the same way I did when we were just friends but it's like I'm not doing anything right. He wants me to talk to him more, and says I am being standoffish and not intimate. THIS IS ME!!! He wanted me so why the hell am I all the sudden doing something wrong? Why do things have to change when you are in a relationship? I guess otherwise we'd just still be friends with benefits right?

I constantly feel like the other shoe is going to drop and he's going to screw me over and there's nothing I can do about this. That piece of me that believed in happy endings, and people are generally good has been beaten out of me. I wonder, can I ever get that back or do I just find a way to connect with someone even though I've lost faith? Does being jaded make me a hard woman who's cold and brittle?

I don't know what the answers are but I know that somethings gotta give. I really can't keep going through the motions hoping things will be different and I don't want to give up hope. I'm too young to become my mother. She's in her 40's and already she knows she will be alone for the rest of her life. My grandmother was like that too. Truthfully, it scares the shit out of me. I want to be able to connect with someone, and share my life with them. I want kids and I want to stop seeing the worst in people. I guess my heart is really heavy this evening and I have a lot on my mind. I'm just glad I have this blog so I can put my thoughts down and I don't explode from them. I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a lighter day.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Love sucks

With my dating experience, I've noticed that it is really hard to find an excellent guy out there. By excellent I mean someone who is a great father, (or capable of being one)goes to work and pays the bills, treats you with love and respect, and is fun and exciting. This is the kind of guy that I would find myself lucky to be dating so I can't help feeling infuriated when I see someone I know leave a guy just like this. What more could anyone ask for? To be fair, I am not in this relationship so I don't know all the ins and outs but I do know for the most part, this couple has been very happy together. They have a beautiful daughter, who they both love very much, a nice home, good jobs, and they are really good friends. At this time though, she has moved out of their place and has yet to give him a reason for leaving their family. He is absolutely devastated, and I am so sad because it pains me to see him hurting so much and I don't know how to help him. I am not good with endings. I guess you could say that I have abandonment issues and I can't understand this situation. Maybe she has just fallen out of love. That happens to some people. I don't understand it but I guess it does happen. But I can't help but feel angry at the selfishness of this whole situation. I know only too well how hard it is to find someone that is worthy of even dating, let only making a life with, so why throw away a good thing? What's the point? Well, I'm done ranting. I just had to get that off my chest.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I have cancer

Well, not really.. but my stomach feels like it. Went out for my brothers 29th birthday and I drank wayyyy too much alcohol. Now my pancreas feels like it's on fire and I don't know why I'm actually surprised. After the last ER visit, and the millionth doctor telling me I should never drink again, it's kind of stupid of me to keep repeating the same behavior over and over again.

I feel so old and I'm not even close to 30 yet. I used to party my ass off, wake up and drink a beer for breakfast. Now I wake up, pop a vicodin, lay on the couch for 2 days in agony and feel embarrassed that I've stepped back into my frat house days. God, I hate getting old. Even my excuses when I call in for work have become weak and lame. I use to have that shit in the bag and now I feel the glares on my back when I come back after calling in because of a massive hangover. It's not like I'm going to teach kids though when I have vodka sweating out of my pores. Might cause the little monsters to get contact or some such nonsense.

Alright, it's 4 am and my insomnia is starting to fade so night night.... xoxo

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

I am going to admit something that I mainly keep a secret from most people. I am addicted to t.v. I guess most people are but I have a few shows that I think of as "guilty-pleasures" and are kind of embarrassing. The first would be The Vampire Diaries. I have read all of the books, even though they are mostly for teens, but I like the show better. Ian Somerhalder is so hot and he has those gorgeous eyes; boy could bite me anytime!



When the Jersey Shore first came out I didn't watch it. I actually thought it was quite stupid. I ended up watching a marathon on MTV one Saturday when I was super hung over and I have been addicted to it ever since. I would never actually hang out with these people though. I think their love of hair gel, orange skin, and over-processed hair is ridiculous, they objectify women by calling them grenades and whatnot but the show does have it's funny moments. And Vinny is pretty cute! (Obviously I'm a sucker for cute face)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Hey Guys I'm back! Sorry it's been a couple of weeks but I have been mad busy. I'm really starting to like my new job working with kids for this After School program. It's really challenging but it's giving me a lot of experience working with kids and I hope it'll help me in the future. I don't know if you all watch the news much but if you have, you've probably heard about the budget crisis going on in Wisconsin and how it is affecting our teachers. I have been down at the capitol protesting and doing my part to try to get awareness out about how sheisty our governor is. I am worried that there may not be many teaching opportunities for me by the time I graduate and I've been very stressed out about it. I will try to keep the blog going as much as possible though. Sorry about the lapse but life happens.

Anyway, back to the 30 day challenge that has now turned into the 4 month challenge:

For day 20 I am supposed to talk about someone that I could see myself marrying or being with in the future. This is a very hard thing for me to talk about though because as you've probably learned from my previous posts, I do not have very good luck in the love department. I Guess you could say that I haven't had very much in the way of role models for relationships though. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I saw them in the same room with each other for the first time when I was 18 and graduated high school. My grandma was married twice and is also divorced from both her husbands. None of my friends have gotten married, and the longest relationship I've ever had is a year and a half. I feel like that's my curse and I can never seem to get a relationship to last longer than that.

Will I ever get married? I don't know. I don't want to end up alone like my grandma that's for sure. She once told me, after having a couple of margaritas one night at Pedro's, that she hasn't had sex since 1995. That is just sad. The way things are going that will probably be my fate too. Destined to end up as the neighborhood cat lady, alone, with cobwebs growing in my cuslapis from lack of use!

But if I had to create a list of the qualities I look for in a guy they would have to include the following:

1. Can't live at home with his mom, dad, grandparents, aunt, uncle, or any other family member (you might think that this shouldn't be my #1 thing but a lot of guys I meet are still living at home)

2. Has to like my family (this is harder than you would think because my family is so dysfunctional)

3. Doesn't smoke

4. Has to be motivated

5. Has to own a car (so tired of dating guys that don't own a damn car. I want someone to date, not someone to chauffeur)

6. Reasonably good looking, with a nice smile, good sense of humor, and takes care of himself

7. Reasonably intelligent

8. Treats me with respect, honesty, and caring

9. Has an accent

So there are a couple of examples of things I look for in a guy but he could also be any of the following and I would gladly take him:

Channing Tatum, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Drake, Usher, Chris Evans, Sam Worthington, Johnny Depp, or Ryan Kwanten. Any of these guys would do.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

This 30 day challenge has sure been a challenge for me to complete on time. I don't know what it is but I have failed tremedously. I've decided that it's more about the content though than following the 30 day challenge day for day. Day 19 is a little hard for me to do because my nickname includes my last name and I don't really want to give that out. The story behind it is that two of my friends, brothers named 50 and Cali, nicknamed me Crunk D(last name here) because I get crunker than anyone they know. If you knew these guys you would realize how funny this is because these are two of the biggest black guys I know, ghetto to the core, and basically down to party at a drop of the hat. And yet, I am the person that they think of who parties the most. Another one of my nicknames is crunkness, which is basically the same thing but doesn't include my last name so it's easier to share.

Those are the only two nicknames I have. A friend of mine used to call me his little barbie because i'm blonde and used to wear little skirts and hot outfits when I was smaller but that's not really a nickname I go by.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Day 18- Plans, dreams, goals you have

Day 18- Plans, dreams, goals you have

I've always wanted to be a singer. I can't sing a damn tune but that has never stopped me from singing at the top of my lungs in my car, in bars, or basically anywhere that there is music playing. It's really a damn shame that they don't give record deals to people who can't carry a tune because I'm sure my off pitch, no tone having ass could really be an excellent entertainer. Unfortunately that is not going to happen, as I've had to finally accept after being booed off the stage at many karaoke nights, so I guess I'll have to settle for the next best thing; being a teacher. I can always have sing-a-long days in the classroom and belt out tunes to the kids. They won't know any better and I'm sure that their parents won't mind me taking time out of the school day to practice my craft.

OK, back to reality. My plans for the foreseeable future are to finish my bachelors degree and start student teaching. My new years resolution is to finally get back into the gym on a regular basis and get back into shape. Over the last year and a half I've stopped going to the gym regularly and my body has definitely suffered for it. A skinny me is a happy me so my goal for the new year is to be a happy me again.

And maybe one day I'll finally be able to carry a tune and I'll get that record deal. I'll get rich and famous and hire a hot personal trainer that'll get me in the best shape of my life. I'll run into Channing Tatum or Brad Pitt at dinner and we'll have a hot, passionate affair.

Hey, it could happen.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

If I had to switch lives with someone for one day it would probably be someone rich and powerful like Jay-z or Jennifer Aniston. I would say Jay-z because I think it would be interesting to find out what it's like to be a guy. I've always wanted to know what it would feel like to have a dick and it sure wouldn't hurt having a beautiful wife like Beyonce to get it on with. The man sure can rap too so it would be so interesting to be inside his head and to see where he gets his inspiration from.

On the other hand I think Jennifer Aniston is one of the most beautiful women in the whole world. She just keeps getting hotter and hotter with age and it would be kinda cool to feel what it's like to be a famous movie star. I know that with this post I should have probably picked someone who is super intelligent, or is making a difference in the world but where is the fun in that? If it was only for one day you really couldn't make that much of a difference anyway so why not make it a fun day?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Day 16- Another picture of yourself. (Baby pic)

Day 16- Another picture of yourself. (Baby pic)

I don't have any baby pics on my computer. In fact I don't have many baby pics at my house. My grandma tends to keep them all hostage at her house like we're still kids and incapable of keeping them nice.

So here is another picture of my beautiful niece and one of me and her. She really is the most beautiful little girl I think I've ever seen with those curls and blue eyes.





Thursday, January 6, 2011

Day 15- Put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

Day 15- Put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

I have a really eclectic taste in music which I think I've mentioned before. I love to put music on my ipod that has a good beat that I can work out too. When I put my ipod on shuffle here's the first ten songs that played:

1. Alessandro Viale - Sweet little thing
2. Wiz Khalifa - Black and Yellow
3. Camron - Killa cam
4. Etta James - At last
5. Blue Foundation - Eyes on fire
6. Evanescence - Call me when you're sober
7. David Guetta ft. Kid Cudi - Memories
8. Drake - November 18
9. Timbaland - Carry out
10. Nikki Minaj - Your love

If you haven't heard of any of those songs check them out they are all pretty good.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 14 - a Picture of you and your family

Day 14 - A picture of you and your family





Here's a picture of my oldest brother and my sister-in-law who are two of my favorite people in the whole world. They party harder than I do and when the three of us get together we end up staying up all night. They are part of the reason why I have pancreatitis. Not sure why they don't have health problems since they drink as much or even more than I do now but I guess I just have temperamental organs.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

I'm back. I was thinking of doing all the posts that I had missed at once but I'm lazy and that's not going to happen. So I'm just going to pick up where I left off with day 13.

This letter is to one of my best friends. We seem to be growing apart recently and I'm not sure why. I know people grow apart as they get older and I'm really hoping that isn't it. I really love her a lot but some of her actions lately have really been making me mad. So this is to her:

Dear Robbie,

I am really disappointed in your actions lately. You tell me all the time that you want me to be happy but when I finally let down my guard and start dating again, you do whatever you can to mess it up. You say that you are worried about me and that you are just protecting me against that fact that he might cheat on me due to his past, but I really don't think it's any of your business. I do appreciate your concern but I feel like it's just causing more drama. How am I ever supposed to move on and get over my commitment problems if you won't let me try? You say that my dating him is causing problems between you and me but that's just crap. If there are problems between me and you, that's because you and me have problems. One of those problems is that I can not stand it that you keep bringing home strays and making us be friends with them. Just because you need people to follow you around all the time and the rest of us won't comply doesn't mean you need to go out of your way to try and incorporate new people into our group who the rest of us can't stand. And now you have this new girl living with you. Yet again. How are we supposed to work on our relationship if you keep letting all these different girls move in with you and take up all your time? It's not that I don't like her but she is YOUR friend. On new years I talked to you all of five minutes. Then you went upstairs with her and told everyone else to leave. I asked you why we all had to leave and she didn't and you told me that she was drunk and you didn't want her to drive. Yet it was okay for the rest of your friends, your BEST FRIENDS, to drive home after drinking all night. That was straight bogus and you knew it. Truthfully, now that Fletcher is moving out I basically don't see any reason to come over there. So if you want to work on this relationship you need to make more of effort. Maybe instead of going out and making new friends you should work on the relationships with the friends you have.

Love you (sometimes)

Lush