Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Next day

Last night was the first time in awhile that I've had a panic attack like that. My grandmother used to get them when we were growing up and they would scare the hell out of me. I knew she had problems, what with raising three grandchildren she didn't have to, but I couldn't fathom how things would get so bad that she would occasionally break down in a panic attack. Well now I know. Sometimes, no matter how strong you are, or how put together you are, sometimes life happens to be a little bit too much more than you can handle. And then you're sitting on your couch, with your cat, freaking out over the demands of your life, and wishing you had some valium to calm your ass down.

Or at least that's what happened to me. In the light of day, I am feeling much better. I'm usually a go with the flow kind of person but sometimes theres too much flow to go with. Patience is supposed to be a virtue and if I can just keep that mantra going in my head maybe I'll be able to survive the next several weeks at my job. And if that doesn't work I'm sure I could take a trip to the gun range this weekend to pop of a few rounds. That'll be sure to make me feel better.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Panic attack

It has been such a crazy day. I woke up to find out I had my period and made me wonder how the rest of the day was going to go. Even though work is almost done, as they are laying us off at the end of the year, I am finding it harder and harder to go in everyday and put on a happy face and be content with how my life is now. Frankly, I am miserable. The turnover rate at my job is usually 6 months. I have been there for 3 years. And in customer service working in a call center for a total of 6 years. I'm tired. Im burntout. I spend all my days sitting in a cubicle at a job I hate because I feel I need the money to get by. I can't do it anymore. I really can't.

I always here people talking about changing their lives whenever they come to a cross roads well, here is mine. I am at a crossroads and I need to completely change my life around. And not just with the job situation. I've started getting lazy again because I'm so miserable which has started making gain weight again. Every weekend I do the same thing with the same friends and frankly, I am tired of it.

I want to take guitar lessons. And I want to learn how to fly a plane. Or sew. So I can fix my own clothes instead of having a friend show me how after waiting weeks and weeks to get together. I want to take a vacation and not have to worry about rent, and cable, and gas and lights. I want to be in a relationship again. I know I always talk about how I like being single, and I do, but I feel like it's time to be in a relationship again. I'm lonely. I'm 26 and I feel like im loosing my youth by spending my nights alone and it makes me so sad. I've realized I want a baby. Up until this point I've always wanted my career to be my #1 goal but I'm starting o realize that I've grown and could almost be ready to start a family.

All of this has been plowing down on me tonight and making me have a panic attack. Im sad. Im miserable. Or maybe I just have PMS> but either way, I've realized that I've become unhappy and unsatisfied with my life and I need a change. Stay tuned. Hopefully I will get the balls to change some of this shit instead of just acknowledging the problem and bitching about it.
Off to take my Valium so I can calm down. Night.xoxo

Friday, November 5, 2010

Puking it out

I got the funniest phone call this morning from Robbie.

Last night she went out to the bar with her friend Megan. The night started out at Pedro's with a giant margarita. Robbie is no drinker so she started feeling pretty wasted after one. She decided to call her boy toy Toby. They have been fighting over the last couple weeks so she wanted to meet up with him. And she thought the strip club would be the perfect place. As their getting it on in her car, she decides to go down on him. Everything's going fine until he starts to cum. And what should happen? SHE THREW UP ON HIS COCK! That'll put a damper on the evening. I couldn't stop laughing when she told me this. What a great way to wake up!

The funniest part is that I could totally see this situation happening to me. I guess she'll think twice now before drinking so much before giving head.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Throwing Down

Thursday night I ended up at a costume party at the Orpheum. We started out the night with a shot of vodka, which was probably the biggest mistake ever, and kept the party going with a continuous flow of vodka cranberries. The bartender at the event was a little cutie named Alex and she kept filling my drinks 3/4 full of liquor. How nice of her.

The next thing I remember is standing in Robbie's bathroom in my underwear arguing with her about god knows what. The way she tells it we got into an argument and I tried to push her down the stairs, punched her in the face, and then stormed out of the house. (after I got dressed of course)

What ACTUALLY happened, (I think), is we got into an argument in her bathroom while I was changing out of my costume. I did CHASE her down the stairs and I DID punch her in the face AFTER she dumped out my purse and all of my belongings on the floor. I keep getting these flashbacks of her snotty little face right before I popped her one. Here's how I remember it:

Robbie: (as she grabs my purse and empties out the contents on the floor) And this is my purse. I paid for it and I'm taking it back

Me: I can't believe you just did that (as i'm standing in my underwear glaring at her with alcohol fueled hatred in my eyes)

Robbie: what the hell are you going to do about.. (flies backwards because my fist just connected with her cheek)

The worst thing about all this isn't the fact that I was in my underwear in front of her boyfriend, or that we got into a physical altercation even though we're best friends, but the really bad thing is neither of us can remember what the whole fight was about in the first place. I went over to her house the next day and made up with her, but I keep having this feeling that I should be mad at her. I mean, why else would I attack her unless she really had it coming?

I guess we'll just have to blame it on the vodka and call it a day because I can't remember anything.