Thursday, October 28, 2010

A guys guide to the Red-Eyed Monster

Every woman has to face a monthly annoyance so ridiculous that it makes most of us turn into red-eyed monsters. Now not every monster is the same. Each monster has a different temperament, but for the most part, those temperaments run to angry, bitchy, emotional, snappy, cranky, and irate. Here are a list of the different type of monsters we become:

Monster 1: This is your typical monster. On a normal day, her personality is usually happy, and she is fun to be around. During her MONSTER DAYS, monster 1 gets a little grumpy in the morning. She may bitch that there's no coffee made when she wakes up, or grumbles if she can't get a cab to work. But basically she is still herself. Just a little more irritated at the small things. As far as I'm concerned she's got it good so she should stop whining.

Guys: Make sure there's a fresh pot of coffee for her in the morning, kids are dressed and fed, and the dog hasn't crapped on the rug. Bypass these little annoyances and Monster 1 will soon be gone. Otherwise you may next be visited by Monster 2.

Monster 2: This monster is the most common. She gets irritated at the most minor things, has no reasoning, and blames everyone for any problems she faces during the day. She has been known to snap at a person for jumping in line at the grocery store, or taking her parking spot. She is quick to bitch anyone out who questions her authority, and is basically not someone you want to be around one week out of each month. She may break down and cry during hallmark commercials and get irate if anyone laughs at her.

Guys: Try to stay out of the way as much as possible. Too much interaction with you and she will find something to blame you for. Clean up the house if need be, but otherwise, be incognito! (SN: you may think you're jokes are funny, and she may too when she's not being ridden by the monster, so if you value your sanity, save the jokes for another day) This is very important. The more upset and irritated she becomes, the better the chance she will turn into Monster #3.

Monster 3: This is the most dangerous monster. She should technically be locked in a cage, and separated from all humanity during her MONSTER DAYS. Any small thing may set her off. Loud noises, soft noises, bad weather, good weather, no traffic, too much traffic. And the most important thing is ... NEVER TELL HER SHE IS WRONG. You might end up losing you favorite appendage. (Don't say I didn't warn you)

Guys: Beware of long nails and biting. She is a fierce monster.

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