Thursday, July 29, 2010

Birthyday Love

Everyone has their favorite holiday. Mine is my birthday. (and yes, it is a holiday, or at least it should be) Every year turns out to be crazier than the last. When I was 19 my friends threw me my first surprise party. I ended the night by passing out on the driveway trying to find my bottle that I had drank about an hour before.

When I was 20 I ended up breaking my foot because I was running to the barrel. In 4 inch high heels. Instead of going to the hospital though, I sat by the barrel until it was done and then made them carry me to the next one. (That's hardcore)
The pain eventually got so bad that I allowed them to take me to the hospital. I still went out the next night, crutches and all. We ended up at this place that turned out to be a naked party. I thought I was hallucinating at first since I was drunk and on a bunch of pain meds. But no. Everyone was running around buck ass naked. I plopped my gimpy self down next to an empty kiddie pool, of which I spend most of the night puking into. One of the guys, who was quite naked, tripped over the pool and landed in my puke. FUNNIEST THING EVER!!

When I was 25 we went to the Dells, got a couple hotel rooms, and partied at Marley's. I had never been to Marley's before but they give you free liquor on your birthday and I basically had to be carried out by the end of the night. Back at the hotel room I ended up sneaking off with a friend of mine, Owen, who I have had a crush on since high school, and getting it on in the stairway.

This year was supposed to be the birthday to end all birthdays but it was both disappointing and a little over the top. We ended up going camping in Michigan at a Rave called Dude Where's my tent? This had recipe for disaster written all over it. Things are bound to go wrong when you throw 10 crazy ass people in a little camper in 100 degree heat. I don't know if it was the heatstroke or the millions of party favors floating around but people started acting kind of strange. Grafton kept coming back to the camper with things he had found all over the campgrounds that made no kind of sense. Once he came back with a trampoline and a rubber duck, not sure where he got this stuff from, so we ended up taping him to a chair. Robbie would not leave the camper and kept cleaning it over and over again and basically missed all of the music. I, on the other hand, was down in front of the DJ tables all night. I think everything went wrong when Grafton talked me into taking a trip into town. We got lost, ran out of gas, and had no money. We were high, drunk, and looked like we had been up all night and were begging people for change. Good times.

We ended up calling the weekend short after I got stuck in the trailer and tried to climb my way out through the ceiling. Not sure why I didn't just use the door but hey, I blame it on the heat. Now I owe $430 in damages to the guy we rented the trailer from. Remind me to never go camping in July ever again.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Its not you its me

Today Kendall (my funny ass co-worker) and I were talking about that age old break-up line: It's not you it's me. It brought me back to all the times I've been broken up with and they are pretty funny.

Jason: Jason was the first real long-term relationship I ever had. He was a skater who had an addiction to white powder. After I got him off that, we ended up spending a lot of time together. After his parents moved to Arkansas, I even went on family trips with them to Florida and to visit them in Little Rock. I thought everything was fine with us until one day he just stopped calling. I guess girls say this all the time but he really did. I went by his house one night (not stalkerish) and saw him getting out of a car with his "best friend" Jenny. Who just happened to be dating Jason's friend. Now they are dating each other and I heard they recently got married. Good thing I didn't get in the way of true love or anything.

I met Perry when I came to a party at his house one night. Not sure how we ended up there but it was a really fun party. Seven am rolled around and me and my girls were the only ones left. I ended up sleeping on the couch (actually sleeping)with him and we dated ever since. He was about 8 years older than me though and had a lot of baggage. I just turned 19 and was only looking to have fun. He ended up going to jail for child support. When he got out I tried to be with him but I ended up hooking up with a friend.

Andy: Andy was crazy. That's all there is to it. I started out being friends with him after a friend of mine asked me to meet up with him to get rid of something. I did it, and we became friends. Once Perry got out of jail and it looked like he was going to be a lot to deal with (and I found out he smoked crack. Nice huh?), I started seeing Andy. We moved in with each other right away and pretty much started living like a married couple. (Bad idea) He started opening up this adult store and going to strip clubs and doing too much blow. I came home one day to find the door had been taped shut with duct tape and my cats were running around outside. I think he thought they were trying to get at his blow.

Ryan:I met Ryan through Robbie because he worked with her boyfriend. I've talked about him a lot on here but here's a recap. He is younger than I am and I was only planning on having a booty call. (Don't ever have a relationship with your booty call) We ended up living together too and things were not good. He cheated on me over and over. I lost all self-esteem and he eventually left me. He just had a baby with the girl that he left me for and she's gained over 60 pounds from what I can tell.

So what is the moral of my story? The next guy I meet, I'm going to make sure that I walk away first. Because let's face it. It's better you telling them to take a hike than the other way around. Never move in with a booty call, or anyone until you're married. Oh, and one other thing. Karma is a bitch! If you're going to cheat, then you're running the risk of being saddled with a nasty heifer for the rest of your life.

That's my kind of karma!!!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Pick me up

Friday night I went out to the bar for the first time in awhile. If you remember I was trying to be sober for a bit and give my liver a break. I guess I could have gone longer but I've been feeling much better and felt I deserved to go out. (This is all just an excuse.) I'm aware of the fact that drinking is bad. I'm just choosing not to follow the doctors orders right now. I'll slow down again but my birthday is next week and I feel like celebrating. For a whole month.

The bar we went to is right down the street from my house and I usually don't go there. It started out kind of lame but eventually got a little bit out of control. Robbie doesn't drink so when she does it's hilarious. We were having an excellent time with our Orange Stoli's and 7up when a couple of really funny stuff happened.

1. This drunk guy tried to hit on me. He wasn't the first or the last of the evening but his pick up line was the best. He asked me if I wanted to be his "sexual friend." I asked him (sarcastically) why a good looking guy like him didn't already have one. His response was he (not surprisingly)had a girlfriend at home. I told him I wasn't interested.

2. As I was sitting at the bar waiting for Robbie to come back in from smoking, (I don't smoke cigarettes and I'm no going to stand outside and get eaten by mosquito's), this old dude that was sitting next to me started talking to me. I'm a pretty nice person so I engaged in a little conversation. Here's what this guy had to offer: He was unemployed, about 20 years older than me, and he kept asking me my name. After the fourth time he asked me I just turned and walked away. What a waste of time. Good thing I gave him the wrong phone number.

3. I ended up going outside to get some fresh air after the old dude, and I ran into this handsome guy who invited me to his (hot) car for a little smoke session. He was very smooth and I was digging his car. But then he tells me he's married but his wife is down with it. He asked me if I wanted to come home and meet her. I'm a single girl and I like to have a little fun once in awhile but this was a new one for me. Instead of just saying no though I told him I would as long as all my friends at the bar could come too. So three car loads of people headed over to dudes house. Needless to say his girl was not hot, and the situation became super weird. Thank god Robbie's boyfriend is a spaz and wanted us to get home,(like we're 5 and have a curfew or something) so we made up an excuse and got the hell out of there.

Unfortunately Dude has my real phone number and has texted me a couple of times. I don't know how to let him down easy so I'm just not going to answer. If I was a meaner person this is exactly what I would say:

"You're hot and everything but your girl is kind of a dog. I think it's weird you pick up girls at the bar and bring them home to your girl like she's Charlotte and she's collecting specimens for her web. I'm good on that Dude. But hey, if you ever want to smoke me up again, go ahead and give me a call. Peace."

Too harsh??

Sunday, July 11, 2010

To camp or not to camp

Ok no more posts about orgies. I realize that I must be off the deep end lately and need to rain the shit in. Doesn't look likely as we're heading to Michigan this weekend for my birthday to some crazy ass outdoor party. Can you imagine a 3-day rave in the woods?

I'm having mixed feelings about this. One: I used to love camping before I started having panic attacks about creepy crawlies. Two: It's going to be hot as blue blazes and I'm not sure how happy we're going to be sleeping in a tent in this weather. Three: I really do want to do something different and fun for my birthday this year. People that go to these kinds of parties are always on some fun shit, of that I can guarantee. I'm hoping the good will outweigh the bad, and I will be having such a great time I won't even think about the bugs.

Or it will suck and I'll be unbelievably miserable. I guess the only way to really know is to go and see what happens. On the up side, if it is horrible I'm sure I can always stay in a local hotel. Hmmm.... really got to think about this one a bit.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Bare essentials

Tuesday night ended up being a repeat of the cabin that I went to a few weeks ago. If you need a reminder here it is:

Robbie and I went out of town with two male friends of ours to stay at a cabin and drink. We ended up having a little more fun than we planned. All in all I'd say it was one of the better orgies I've been involved in. Oh to be young.

I don't know what it is about these two guys but every time we hang out with them things tend to get a little wild. Maybe it's this heat. Makes me want to wear as little clothes as possible. And maybe that's why I found myself at Walgreen's at 3 am with no pants on.

I was wearing this cute baby doll shirt that hangs down quite far. You can barely see the bottom of my shorts when I'm wearing it. But it's still not long enough to go around without any pants on. But I guess that's what I did.

After our little fun time, I ended up putting on a pair of boy shorts (underwear that covers the hole butt but is still for all intents and purposes, underwear) because I couldn't find my shorts. (Don't you hate when that happens?) I had to head home because I had to work 10 hours the next day. I stopped at Walgreen's to get cat food and hair conditioner (which was definitely important when I'm three sheets to the wind and half naked). I didn't even remember any of this until last night when I was thinking I needed to get my cats some food and realized I already had.

That poor cashier must have thought I was out of my mind. They should add no pants to the no shoes, no shirt, no service sign.

Not that that would stop me obviously.

Friday, July 2, 2010

A little too close

I am the biggest klutz. Especially when I am drunk. But today I took it to a whole new level.

I have been laying around all day being lazy on my day off. I have some errands to do so I decided to get my ass in the shower and get moving. I am going to see some fireworks tonight from the comfort of my friend's balcony and decided I need to shave. You never know who's going to be there and what clothes are going to come off. And when I say shave, yes I do mean everything. Or at least shave my legs and arm pits and trim down there.

(If your queasy you might want to stop reading)

I haven't trimmed in a little while because I'm single and haven't been having regular sex. So.. the razor just wasn't doing the job. OH man....

I grabbed the scissors and everything was going fine, I was getting those hard to reach hairs, when all of a sudden..... SNIP!!!!!

I FUCKING snipped a piece of skin off of my vajayjay. It didn't necessarily hurt but man did that sucker bleed. I didn't even want to blog about this but if you can't share vagina shaving accident stories with your unknown blog friends, who can you share them with? It's not like something I can just tell anyone because I'll seriously never live this shit down.

For a second a didn't know what to do though. No way in hell am I dragging my ass in to the ER so some doctor can stitch me up. How humiliating. I think it's stopped bleeding but you can bet your ass that I won't be using a scissors to trim down there ever again.

Talk about taking a slice out of life.