Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ouch! I got ants in my pants!

Since my break-up with the Ex, I haven't really felt the URGE to be with anyone. I have my occasional moment where I think about him, but just the idea of being with anyone else seems so foreign to me.

Well, not last night. I was feeling kind of lonely and didn't want to go home alone. I've been chilling out the last few days, hanging at home, and I really didn't want to do that again. It seems no one was up to anything fun though so i headed home to watch Gossip Girl. Fun Fun I know. "Kammie" was there and we did have a few beers but her and her boy toy are fighting and she was in a bad mood and decided to go to bed early.

That left me tipsy, alone, and feeling the itch. Definitely not a good combination. At one point, I got so antsy I almost called "denture boy."

A little history here about "denture boy." He is a friend of mine that I once hooked up with before me and the Ex got together. It was pretty casual and I really didn't see him very much after that as I was obviously with the Ex. A couple of weeks ago I got a text from him seeing if I wanted to get a drink. Long story short, I got drunk, we did it, and I pretty much imagined he was the Ex the whole time. Not my finest moment, I know, and he's the only person I've been with since the Ex.

At one point later, after I had kicked him out and passed out, again not my finest moment here, I started remembering things we had talked about.

Me: wow you're teeth are really looking nice
Him: thanks, they're fake
Me: You mean like veneers?
Him: No I mean fake
Me: You mean like take them out of your mouth and put them in a glass of water, fake?
Him: Yeah, my family has bad teeth and I couldn't afford veneers so...
Me: Oh, that's cool.. can we go outside so i can puke?

You know that feeling when you wake up after you've just drank huge amounts of alcohol and you're laying in bed having horrible flashbacks of things you've done and said and you just can't believe yourself? Yeah, I had one of those moments when I woke up after that night.

The girls all make fun of me for that, but hey, there's nothing wrong with him that he wants to have better teeth. We're not all made of money you know. But last night when I was getting so angsty that I almost called him, I kept thinking about that conversation we had at the bar and changed my mind.

I passed out anyways thank god. Truthfully, the only person that could really scracth that itch anyways is the Ex and im not calling him.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Kitties





So I realized that I've never shown pictures of the kitties. The top one is a picture of my exes cat Spooky, who I technically stole her from. When he wasn't around and after he moved out, she slept with me every night and I just fell in love with her. When he asked for her back, I told him no. Plus, he's never home anyway so she would just be lonely. No point in that.
The middle cat is my baby Ginger. She's a real sweetie but she doesn't like to be picked up that much because when we first got her she had ear mites and had to have medicine for a couple of months. She's very independent and quiet but she loves attention, and she has this weird attraction to men. My kind of cat!
The last cat is the cat I've had the longest, Pepper. I know parents say they don't have a favorite child, and I do love all my cats, but she is my favorite. We have this bond where I call her, her nickname is boo boo, and she comes a running, meowing all the way, and jumps on my chest to snuggle. She sure does love her momma. My friends joke I'm gonna end up as an old lady with ten cats.
And I reply, nothing wrong with that!

Break me off a Piece of That

Well, we can definitely scratch that job off the list. I should have known, but truthfully I'm trying to be optimistic. The add was for a Marketing firm to do event planning for a non-profit. Truthfully, it entails cold calling and standing outside businesses trying to sell coupons to raise money.

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against raising money, especially for something as worthwhile as breast Cancer research. But that is not what the ad said. I talked to another girlfriend and she said she had went to an interview there as well. The pay is horrible and you have to work almost ten hours a day. Forget that! Plus i HATE cold calling! I think that must be one of the worst jobs in the history of jobs. So the search continues. Technically I don't NEED a new job, but hey, it never hurts to look.

I really have nothing else to do this week. Seriously, there is nothing to look forward to this week. I know, I know, Halloween is on Friday and yeah we were planning on having this BIG party but we really haven't even planned anything. Yeah I know, we procrastinate hella. And I'm kind of broke so nothings as fun as it could be when you're broke. We'll probably just end up NOT even dressing up, buying a keg, and drinking it between ten or so people. Sounds a lot less stressful to me, that's for sure.

Oh yeah, and it's "Louie's" birthday on Thursday and we're all going to Stripper Night at the gay club! That should be a blast!! I've been there numerous times but only once on Stripper Night, but it's always fun fun! And those strippers are fricking HOT! I'll make sure to blog about that on Friday....

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Undecided

As I was sitting at work playing on the computer the other day, I hopped onto Craigslist and started trolling the job section. And I found myself pleasantly surprised. There were a lot of listings in my field and the pay for most was almost double what I make now. So I decided to apply for a few and I already have 3 interviews set up. Score!

I mean, it's not like I don't like my job. I do! But it seems to have run it's course and now I find myself bored. I can pretty much do this in my sleep and I'm really starting to lose interest. I need a challenge. And that seems to be the way I feel about life in general right now.

I also finally signed back up for school on Friday. I don't know if I've mentioned it before but this has been sort of a sore issue with me. I've always been a good student. I love school in fact. But last semester I found myself losing interest and barely making it to classes. This was mostly because of my depression and all the anxiety and stress I was going through at the time, but it also made me think about if school was where i need to be right now.

So I've actually taken a semester off to move, and get back on track with everything. Now that I'm more settled, both emotionally and psychically, I feel more confidant in getting back to classes. I'm hopeful that the extra work will get me a little more excited about things again, and will help me get over the Ex as well. I'm still a little concerned about my major, but I've decided that's normal.

I feel like I've lost some of the passion that I used to have towards school and it makes me sad. I know I've had a lot of stress lately and that may be a contributing factor but what if it isn't? What if I have lost my interest in school altogether? I really hope not. It would sure be a waste of time and money if I quit now. And I am not a quitter. I just need to get my groove back I think.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Halloween

Halloween is fast approaching and I am actually going to dress up this year. Every year people come to Madison from all over to celebrate Halloween downtown at State St. Which is pretty much thousands of drunk people dressed up and wandering around. It gets pretty hectic. The last couple of years I haven't even gone because it gets really out of control and has stopped being fun.

But this year, me and the girls are going to throw a costume party. And I'm actually going to dress up. I'm really excited but kind of nervous too. The last time I dressed up I was 17, and me and my brother went as Santa and Mrs. Clause. It was so cute. But that was so long ago.

The girls want our costumes to have some sort of theme. So I came up with going as Disney or Fairy Tales characters. I mean, there's so many of those to chose from so we would have more options.

Here's what I'm thinking... Since I'm blond..... Alice in Wonderland, Goldilocks, Rapunzel, or Tinkerbell.

We're going to go to the store and see what we see but does anyone else have any other ideas for me?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Rain Rain go away

I'm having a gloomy day. I was in the worst mood last night when I got home from work so I sat in front of the TV and vegged out until 1 am. I still don't feel much better today.

What's the problem you may ask? The problem is I miss the Ex. I have his voicemails on my phone and I hate to admit it but Ive listened to them a couple of times and they make me feel like crap. I should just erase them but I haven't heard his voice in so long and I miss it.

I want to call him so bad but I know I shouldn't. I mean what's the point? We are in different places right now and no matter what I say to him, its not going to do any good. It's just delaying the obvious conclusion that it's over; we are over.

It's what he wants right now and me secretly hoping that he'll wake up and change his mind, is not healthy for either of us. I know this. But yet I still want to call him.

And I feel horrible because I WANT to call him. I was doing so much better the last few weeks; and I was so proud of myself because of it. But I don't feel proud of myself today.

I'm allowing myself one day to feel this way and then tomorrow I'm putting it away. No more feeling sorry for myself because really, what good does it do?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Taking it slow

Last night me and the girlz went to the opening of the Tilted Kilt. A friend of ours is the manager and got us tickets, which included drinks, a free meal and dessert. The restaurant is pretty much an Irish version of Hooters, but hey, it was a free meal and an excuse to get out with the girlz. No complaining on my part. The service was lousy, we didn't get our food for almost two hours, but we had fun anyway. The food was actually pretty good but staring at other women's breasts for two and a half hours started to lose its appeal after the first half hour.

Maybe if I was a man, I might have enjoyed the Irish Britney Spears outfits they are forced to wear as a uniform, but truthfully, I don't understand how they can run around in those outfits for hours at a time serving hot food. That's a disaster waiting to happen. "Oh my god my boob is on fire." Ha Ha.

On another note, I'm supposed to be having dinner at Lemons house tonight. Well, I haven't heard from him so maybe not, but I'm kind of glad. I'm not ready. If it was just to go hang out with a friend, then I would be OK with that. But he seems to think that this would be a date and I AM JUST NOT READY.

Just the thought of going on a date is making me nauseous. For one, it's not fair to get his hopes up when i am in love with someone else and am still secretly waiting for him to wake up and come back to me. Maybe it would be OK if i could use this as a distraction in the mean time but I'm not even ready for that. I can not get the Ex out of my head no matter how i try.

I've finally come to the point where I can exist everyday without wanting to pick up the phone and call him. I'm finally to the point where I am standing up for myself and being comfortable not accepting just the scraps of his time that he reserves for me.

But that's about it right there. Too much more too soon i fear will put me into a deeper depression than i already am. I really just can not handle anymore rejection right now. And even if it wasn't rejection, i am in no way in a place where i would be good for anyone else right now.

Its weird because another friend i haven't seen in a long time asked me if i wanted to have lunch today with him. As to his intentions I'm not sure, but i have to work so it was easy getting out of that one. Whew!

Its flattering being asked out, don't get me wrong. But I'm just not ready yet.

In the meantime I have my girlz. If it wasn't for them I would be a complete mess. So thanks girls, I love you... Or in other words, Ride or Die Bitches!

Friday, October 17, 2008

I live in a Frat House

When me and "kammie" decided to get a place together there were many people who didn't think it would be a good idea. I knew that we wouldn't fight so I didn't see any problem with us living together. But that's not what people were worried about and as of these last two nights I can see where they were coming from.

As I said, I was super sick on Wednesday because we all went out for her birthday so that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I'm not sure if it was just a hangover or if i was actually sick but either way, it was bad. It might have been a combination of both because "kammie" seems to have had the same thing. Last night she couldn't even make it to the toilet and since she was feeling so bad, I ended up having to clean it up. Red Jamba Juice all over the bathroom floor. YUCK!

I know this is not the funnest post, but I just needed to make a point of how I see this going. What my friends and family meant when they said they weren't sure about us living together, did not have anything to do with how we would get along, but that we might get along too well and our partying would get out of control. I seriously felt like I was at a frat house last night cleaning up puke and almost gagging myself from the smell.

I did sit home last night and rest though, which is good because after the call I got today from the Ex, I'm definitely going out tonight and getting wasted.

Voicemail from the Ex:

"Hi, I'm just calling to say hi. You're friend Jenny came into my work today and asked me if I was your boyfriend and it was really awkward. I don't know whats going on with you but you wont answer your phone and I just want to make sure you're OK. Well, you know where I work so feel free to stop in anytime. OK bye. "

Fucker!

I know, I know. This is the man that I'm in love with, how can I call him that? Because that is exactly the way that I feel today.

I am so tired of sitting back and being there for him whenever he decides he wants to talk, and being understanding about the fact that he needs his "space" right now and doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's trying to "do him."

Well buddy, I'm "doing me" right now. And that includes not answering your calls, sparse as they are. I am not available whenever YOU decide you want to talk. I wanted to answer the phone so bad, it was almost a physical ache, and I still want to call him back, but I'm not going to.

Its better this way. He needs to realize that he cant have his cake and eat it to. Hes being selfish and hurting me in the meantime and I'm sorry, I love him, but I'm not going to do it anymore.

So YEAH ME!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Worst Hangover Ever

Yesterday was "Kammie's" bday and we all did end up going out to the bar. It almost did not happen though. The night before, me and "kammie" decided we wanted to go out for a little while and get her bday started off early. I ended up going to bed around 3 and going to work the next day. She ended up staying up with her boy toy until around 6 or 7 and was insanely grumpy by time I got off work.

All of us girls ended up having to go to the house and make her get ready and kidnapped her to the bar. We had a great time and we got "kammie" out of there before she reached the point of no return. What is the point of no return you might ask? This is what I call the point when my sweet, beautiful roommate turns into the spawn of Satan. No joke. If she drinks too much and especially if she was grumpy in the first place, she has a tendency of freaking out and becoming the biggest biatch of all time. And she doesn't stop until she either passes out or gets knocked out. Always fun times for us.

We ended back at "robbies" and then all us girls went back to our house eventually and stayed up for most of the morning. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up with the WORST HANGOVER EVER. I had the spins all day and the only place that felt mildly comfortable was the cold bathroom floor with the light off. I haven't had the spins like that since i was 16. I couldn't keep anything down, not even the sleeping pills I tried to shove down my throat to make myself pass out. Have you ever thrown up medicine before? Its the nastiest taste.

The worst part of this whole thing was the fact that as I'm laying on the bathroom floor dying, the guys from Dish Network are there installing my satellite. Thank god "louie" was there to sign the forms for me and answer their questions, but they still could hear me retching in the bathroom.

I think I'm going to take a break from drinking. Maybe give my stomach a little break. At least for a day or two. HAHAHAHA...

But no really, I have satellite now. I'm going to sit my happy ass in front of the t.v. and relax for once.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Chivarlry is Dead

Whatever happened to dating? Seriously! I grew up in an age where going on dates was more of a group thing. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates in my high school. Instead, we'd all go hang out together. And then we'd break off into smaller groups and then eventually start "going out" with whoever we started going out with. This was always fine for me in high school.

Now that I'm 24 and I've pretty much either dated all the guys I know, or decided the rest of them are definitely NOT dating material, and have placed them in the "friend box" I find myself wondering, so who to date now?

Every time we go out, its always in a group, again like high school, and unless I'm feeling adventurous, I don't even bother scoping the men out at the bar. Hey, I'm with my girls, and most of the time, they are more fun than any man anyways.

But whatever happened to this thing called dating? When i think about living in the 50s where everything is slow and we don't have computers, i cringe, except for that old fashioned tradition where the guy picks you up and you go on a date, just you two, getting to know each other. No one I know does that. Ever.

Lemon (obviously not his real name) is a guy that used to date a friend of mine for a few months a couple of years ago. I haven't seen him in years, and we ran into each other at a party a few weeks ago, and have been texting back and forth ever since. #1, its weird because he dated my friend, but when i tell him this, he of course shrugs it off. (She wouldn't care, by the way, but things like that always make me feel uncomfortable.)
But #2, I have never given him even the slightest hope that I'm interested in him like that, (I'm not ready yet) but he's already sending me flirty emails, and jumping right to, "come over and hang out and cuddle"

Cuddle!!! What!!! We haven't even gone on a date. I'm not going to come over and cuddle with you. You must be trippin!! LOl. But seriously!! The audacity of some men is amazing. I love forward guys, don't get me wrong, but to just assume I'm going to come over and get "cuddly" with you when we haven't gone on a date or anything else yet is taking it a little too far.

I'm not an old fashioned girl at all. But whenever I find myself thinking about how things have changed, it really makes me wish I was born in a different time. Or that chivalry wasn't dead.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Action and Mayhem

I had the craziest dream last night and I feel really disoriented today because of it. I guess I shouldn't be watching crazy movies like Natural Born Killers right before I go to bed. Ive never seen that movie before and I guess it was kind of morbid but I found myself rooting for them. As I've said before, for some reason when I'm feeling down, sad, or even sick, I love to watch action films, and I feel better. Anything with swords, guns, fighting and mayhem and I instantly feel better. When I'm feeling sad and depressed, I can not stand sappy love stories. They just make me feel worse. I guess that makes sense, sort of.

The ending where Robert Downey Jr. says. "but wait, Mickey and Mallory always leave a witness behind." And they both look down and point to the camera and say, "that's what the camera's for." And then they blow him away. Classic. The movie was pretty messed up though, and I had this crazy dream where the Ex and that biatch were driving around in the same car from the movie, and shooting at people. And they made Sun Prairie their gang spot. So weird.

I know, it was the craziest dream. Next time I cant sleep, I think ill try sleeping pills instead of crazy killer movies to try to pass out.

Other good flicks I love:

-Hitman
-The Professional
-Heat
-Seven
-Mr. Brooks ( I love Kevin Costner in this movie)
-Goodfellas (Any gangster movie is good)
-Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Gotta love Brad and Angie)
-Unleashed (Jet Li is great in this movie)
-Crank

Those are just a few. I know there's lots more but I just wanted to name a few I really like.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

He's just not that into you

Has anyone else read this book? He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt. I heard about it on the bestsellers list and i decided to pick it up from the library. I sat down this weekend and started skimming through it and it really was an eye opener. Kind of depressing in a way though too.

Im sure all girls are aware of these things but choose not to believe them, or decide to be delusional and not listen to the obvious, and I am no exception. I mean look at me and the Ex. He calls me about once a week and says he doesnt have a phone so thats about all he can.

This is bullcrap. The book talks about how if a guy breaks up with you, he's just not that into you. If he's not at your door begging you to take him back, he's just not that into you. If he doesnt call, even though there are phones everywhere, almost everyone has a cell phone, and there are other ways of communicating besides phone, he's just not that into you.

All of these things i've been aware of but have chosen to ignore time and time again. And not just with the Ex.

I got a voicemail from him last night telling me he's sorry he hasnt called but something came up, which is his personal business so I wont go into details here, but he loves me, is thinking about me and really misses me. Then he makes sure to say, i dont want to get back together but i just wanted to tell you that. And hopefully make you feel a little better by letting you know i still care and i want you to call me at work when you can.

Thank goodness I was already tanked and about to pass out when i got this message or im sure there would have been no end to the destruction. (Just kidding but i do have quite a temper sometimes)

But as I sit at work today and ponder this voicemail, I cant help and relate the things he said to what it is stated in this book. Its amazing how he says one thing but does another. Acording to the book, if he really loved me and missed me, as he says he does, then he would call me more than one day a week and he would be making more of an effort. He knows my number and if he missed me that much and thought about me as much as he says, then i would have heard from him, or at least from someone else telling me what has been going on, way before now.

Im going to stop being delusional and take what Ive read to heart. Im not going to call him. There is no reason to. He knows how I feel. He knows i never wanted to break up in the first place. He's the one who doesnt know what he wants. And until he does, Im not going to sit around and wait anymore. He knows my number when he's ready.

Hopefully, for his sake, Im still available when and if he does come around, or that im still even interested in getting back with him.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Ive lost my mojo

I think I might be in a funk. I was talking with "Larry" today at lunch. (oh, and if you're wondering about the weird names i give my friends, i take their last name and make a new name out of it. Most of them turn out to be guy's names, which is funny since I'm referring to girls. They don't feel very comfortable with me using their real names though so i thought i would come up with something i could remember easily) We were discussing my Ritalin and how it does look like i have lost some weight, especially in my face. I took some pictures this weekend with "Kammie" and i actually had my hair down and straightened, which i never do because it takes so much time but it always looks amazing, and she was commenting on how good i looked in the pictures.

And this made me realize something. I really don't seem to care about getting pretty very much anymore. When you get into a relationship, your significant other tells you constantly how beautiful you are and so you don't try as hard to constantly be perfect. Truthfully Ive always been more of a down to earth girl and i really don't dress up to the extremes very often. But recently I've noticed that I'm not even trying at all. And that is not a good thing. When you're in a relationship you have the luxury of being a little lazy sometimes, but when you're single, especially if you're looking for a relationship, its kind of lazy not to make at least a little bit of an effort.

But do i really care? That's where i keep getting stuck. I have this feeling lately of hopelessness when it comes to relationships. Ive really lost faith in the whole process that i think i might just not even care anymore. I mean look at my track record. I meet a guy, we really like each other, he goes on and on about how much he loves me, he talks me into moving in together and then things are good, and then poof! Its over. And he says he still loves you but the phone calls get fewer and far between and then one day stop all together. I'm tired. I'm really tired of the whole process.

So if that means that i get to sleep in another 15 minutes instead of getting up and straightening my hair, or polishing my toes, than I'm going to sleep in another 15 minutes. Because i really am tired of it all.

But truthfully i cant lie. Not here. I have been feeling very jealous of my girls lately. Every time we hang out i kind of feel like the 5th wheel and i really hate it. Not that i ever am the 5th wheel, but it makes me sad that at night when we all go home, I'm the only one sleeping alone. It'd be better if i heard from him ever, but there's barely any hope left in me for him either. Very disappointing.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

All moved

Wow, its been about a week since i posted. Its been kind of a hectic week with the move and all. I really love the new place. We've got it decorated sort of girly, but still nice. Its weird having a pink shower curtain. I've always lived with boys before so hanging a pink shower curtain or putting butterfly's on the wall was never an option. I think it definitely makes the place more colorful.

The rest of week after the move i pretty much just partied at "robbies" house or stayed at home and enjoyed being lazy. After i got the old apartment all clean and was about to take the keys to the landlord, i did break down and cry for about ten minutes. It was very sad looking around the apartment and thinking about all of the memories i had there, especially with the Ex. But hopefully this will be a fresh start and there will be new memories. I haven't heard from the Ex since last Wednesday so that may just be wishful thinking on my part. But we'll see.

I finally picked up Twilight by Stephanie Meyer and I could not put it down. What a good book. And now I'm at the library grabbing the second in the series. I'm supposed to be playing with my niece today but I'm sure the book will take up a lot of my attention. Once my attention is focused on a certain book, its really hard to concentrate on anything else.

Back to work tomorrow.... *sigh*