Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Resolutions

So New Years eve is tomorrow and I guess I should start making my resolution list. I don't usually follow the resolutions I set for myself, but I've decided this year needs to be different. 2008 ended up being a really crappy year for me.

Let's recap.

First, my then BF ended up going to jail on his birthday because we had gotten into a fight in the middle of the street. This did not do anything good to strengthen our relationship. Especially when the Bitch came back in the picture and kept trying to break us up.

Because of the fight we had gotten into, the Ex was put on probation and made to move out of the apartment we shared. So on top of being legally required to not have any association with my BF, I'm also stuck with all the rent.

Extreme depression then ensues, forcing me to be highly medicated and take a semester off from school.

Then, after hooking up with the Ex again (unfortunately), I find out that not only is he with the Bitch, they are living together. Even after all the times he told me they were just friends.

Then, I find out my excessive drinking has finally affected my health and not only can't I drink anymore, I can only eat bland food, and I may need surgery.

I think that that is enough incentive to really set some good goals for myself this year and actually follow them.

So here's my list:

1. Lose 20 pounds
2. Lose those pounds the good way by using the membership mom got me for the gym
3. Keep grades at a B average at least
4. Don't rush into any relationship with a man
5. Hook up with the hottest guy in the bar
6. Don't let any man treat me like the Ex... EVER AGAIN
7. Let the past go, or as much as possible, TRY, it's really not doing me any good
8. STOP BEING SUCH AN ADDICT

There.

I think those are really good goals don't you?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Bread crumbs and empty tummies

Three days to go. I am so giddy I can barely concentrate at work. And it's beautiful outside so I'm even more antsy. Can't it be Wednesday already? If I had a super power it would be to travel through time. And read people's thoughts. Definitely.

I have to admit that I have been cheating a little on the no alcohol. I had two beers last night but I was fine afterwards. "Robbie" and K were freaking out, saying that I can't drink, which I find very hypocritical. They smoke and I asked them if one day someone told them that they had to quit cold turkey, how would they feel? And of course, the light dawned behind their eyes and they actually empathized with the way I feel. I know it's for my health but it's so hard to just quit cold turkey. So I'm not.

I have been really good on the whole food thing though. The doctor has put me on a completely bland diet. She says that my pancreas is having trouble breaking down the gases so I need to be on a diet. Which means... no spicy foods, barely any dairy, no olives or oranges or anything with acid in it, no soda, no alcohol (I'm trying i swear), no meats this week but I can eat fish and chicken next week, no seasonings, no high fatty foods, no fried food. So I pretty much can eat... NOTHING.

You know what I ate yesterday? Toast for breakfast, apple sauce for lunch, toast and chicken broth for dinner, and then I ate some eggs a little later. Mmmm mmmm good!

Yeah right!

I'm starving! I did sort of cheat today and had a chicken salad sandwich and I don't even feel bad about it. Well, my stomach did object for awhile afterwards, but I took a Prilosec and I'm good.

You ever want to lose weight? Go on a bland diet! I feel like my stomach is about to cave in and start eating itself. Thank god the Ritalin helps with the cravings. I'm still starving though.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Too much stress for one little person

Stress, Stress, Stress. Drama, Drama, Drama.

I swear, every time I turn around there is drama everywhere. How difficult is it for 6 friends to coordinate a fun weekend to Chicago for New Years? I swear to fricking god. I love my friends to death but sometimes I feel like we're all a bunch of 5Th graders posing as adults.

So C can't go because he doesn't have the money. So of course he doesn't want "kammie" to go and he spews little tidbits in her ear to get her all anxious and suspicious that we're all against her and shit. Seriously tired of this kid.

Even in light of this, up until a couple hours ago she was planning on going, but now she's not. She says she doesn't have the $. Which I understand, I just worry that that's really the reason she's not going.

Me, "kammie" and "robbie" always spend new years together so this year without her is just not going to be the same.

And all of this stress is making my stomach hurt. I AM SERIOUSLY SICK HERE PEOPLE!
I really need them to stop all of this. The hole in my stomach just keeps growing with all of this stress.

I need this trip to have some fun and relax. And all of this bullshit is really putting a damper on my excitement. Like the fact that I may need surgery and can maybe never drink again isn't enough for me to deal with this week, I've got kindergarten duty.

Stupid silver lining

I guess things with dad are getting better, which really helps a lot. He came over yesterday with my christmas present and all I have to say is WOW. He actually listened to me when I told everyone what I wanted. I've been looking for these hats that I like forever and I haven't been able to find them anywhere. He of course found them at the most obvious place; this hat store we have in the mall called Lids, which only sells hats. Duh. I swear, I am the blondest of the blonde sometimes.

Anywho, he got me two hats, some tupperware and some mixing bowls. Which you may think is kind of weird but actually, me and "kammie" don't own a mixing bowl or any tupperware, so that's exactly what I needed. Good job dad.

We went shopping to find a fit for new years and I think I have what I want. The party we are going to is dressy and kind of formal so the girls are all wearing dresses I think, but I really don't want to. I want to be comfortable on new years so I'm wearing pants and a hot top. I hope i'm not the only girl in pants, but even if I am, I really don't care. It's what makes me comfortable.

My health is the only thing that is really putting a damper on the occasion. I know I'm going to have fun anyways, but I really wish I could party like I want to. All I wanted was to start the damn new year off on a good note, and I've got to ring in the new year sick.

I guess I should be looking at the silver lining and thanking my lucky stars it's not worse than it is. But I really don't care about the stupid silver lining right now.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Sicker than a dog

I spoke a little prematurely yesterday with my post and saying everything was A OK. It's far from it. I woke up at 4am with the same pains as last time. I called dad and he took me to the hospital. The pains weren't as bad as last time, thank god, but they were still pretty bad, and very uncomfortable. They did the same thing and hooked me up to an IV, gave me dilaudid,then took me for an ultra sound.

Prognosis is: Gastritis, Cholelithiasis, and Pancreatitis.

Which pretty much means my organs are shot. I can't eat any solid foods today and only bland food for the rest of the week. No meat either. Ugghh. That's just lame. I'm glad to finally know what is wrong with me, even though it's worse than what I had originally thought. I may even have to have my gall bladder taken out soon. I just can not believe that I am having these health problems at 24 because of drinking. It's sort of insane to me.

It still doesn't make me not want to drink ever again. I can't help it. I love to drink. I love the taste of beer, and I just plain old love being drunk. I'm not an alcoholic or anything. I CAN live without alcohol, and I don't need it to get through my day, I just enjoy it so I don't see any reason in not indulging. I guess I just indulged a little too much.

And I just realized that I have been writing about this for awhile and I'm sure it's getting boring, but it's kind of a huge deal. This is going to affect my health for the rest of my life. I feel like someone just smacked me in the face with a dose of reality. And it doesn't feel good.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Holiday cheer.. surprise surprise

Well Merry Christmas and all that jazz. I survived the holidays! Thank fucking god! I knew I could do it. I don't know why I let myself ever believe that any man has the power to bring me down. I'm stronger than that for sure.

So I hope everyone had a happy holiday. Mine was actually OK. I did get a little $ so that makes me not so stressed. Gotta buy the New Years outfit you know. And still got to have $ to live off of until pay day. I can't wait until the day when I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. Actually, my future chosen profession probably won't help that that much, but hey; I'd rather do something I feel passionate about instead of something that bores me to tears just for the extra cash. Wow. What an idealist. Not really but we can pretend huh?

Dad actually showed up and made peace with mom, which goes to show you that some dogs can learn new tricks. I hope it keeps up because I'm really over the whole drama and shit.

I even went out to my grandpa's, who I haven't seen in two years and visited with that side of the family. Don't you love it when you're productive? It makes you feel like you can fuck off for the rest of the day. Well, at least it makes me feel like I can fuck off for the rest of the day.

And on that note.. I'm going to pick up "Louie" and get our drink on. Good night!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The grinch better not steal christmas

Ugh. I have a feeling this is going to be like thanksgiving and it's freaking me out. I don't know why but I'm falling into this funk.

Maybe it's the fact that "Louie" keeps calling me crying her eyes out that her BF can't be there for their sons first Christmas, and her other baby's father will only let her see her daughter for 3 hours on Christmas and I feel horrible for her.

Or maybe it's the fact that I had to go to the eye doctor this morning which is right across the street from where the Ex and the Bitch are staying and the thought of them happy on Christmas makes me want to break someones face.

Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is trying to make up with my dad and he won't budge an inch even though she didn't do anything to him. So tired of his drama. She even bought him a couple gifts as a peace offering and invited him to dinner and he still refused.

Whatever it is, I'm not having a repeat of thanksgiving. That was just sad. Sitting at a bar, alone, getting drunk. Not good.

I just need to shake this off and realize that I have lots to be thankful for and the other stuff is just crap. Crap should be thrown away.

What am I thankful for?

I'm thankful for:

- My beautiful niece
- Good health... sorta
- Family, well at least the good part of my family
- Great best friends
- Doing well in school
- My cats
- Ritilin
- Alcohol
- Edward Cullen
- Vibrators
- New Years Eve

You know, the usual.

... See, there's a lot I have to be thankful for. So bring on the holiday spirit. I'm fricking ready.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Beer conquers all

Good news. I'm not dying. And I don't have to stop drinking. Best fricking news I've gotten all year.

Yes, I have to slow down and make sure I'm taking care of myself, but I don't have to stop drinking all together.

I went to the doctor this morning for a follow-up, and she told me that the night I went to the hospital was pretty much just my bodies way of telling me it's fed up. So no more ibuprofen, or really anything like that. She says, at least for right now, that my stomach needs to heal and any meds like that can just keep it upset. And the best part of all: I can drink, I just have to take some zantac before I go to bed. I swear, there's a pill for everything.

I can't think like that though because that's partly how I got in this situation in the first place. So I'm still going to take it easy on the drinking, but at least I know now that when I do drink, it's OK, I just have to drink responsibly as they say.

Wow! I've turned into an add for an alcohol commercial. Mmmm. I'm thirsty now.

Stupid job.

Monday, December 22, 2008

My baby



OK so I know I've been busting out the pictures lately but I love pictures. And I really really love my niece. This is Rozlyn my brothers baby. Isn't she so adorable? She's only 8 months old and she's already almost walking, and talking. The first picture is of her and my grandma and the second is me and her. We were laughing hysterically at her because she gets so excited and happy and makes the cutest faces, you can't help but laugh.

My grandma's been getting on my case to settle down and have a baby. That's not going to happen anytime in the near future. For one, obviously the lack of any man I would ever want to raise a child with is definitely hindering that plan. Oh, and the fact that I'm just not ready. I want to finish school first. Well, that's not true. If I met the right guy, I probably would have a baby before I finished school, but who knows.

But until then, I have Roz. Who, if I had a kid, I would want her to be my kid. She never crys. Ever. Unless she falls down. And even then, only for a second, and then she's back up. Couldn't ask for a better baby.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I finally did it

Well, I took the final steps and erased the Ex completely out of my life. I was sitting here at work, checking my Myspace, and decided to look at his page. I noticed he had checked his on 12/1 which is funny because he hasn't checked it in months. This means that he has read all the messages I sent him when I hadn't heard from him in forever. Which means he knows how I feel, or at least how I felt at that time, and I still haven't heard from him. He still has me listed as his #1 though and he has it still that he's in a relationship. Which I guess he is, just not with me. You'd think he'd move her to his #1 then.

But it doesn't matter to me. So I've deleted him. There's really no point in keeping him on there. After what he's done to me, it's not like I want to be his friend or anything.

So I've wiped my hands completely. Good for me. Another 2 stars for the day!

Cops and robbers

Do you ever second guess yourself? And you know you're right but then people start asking you stuff and you start thinking you could be wrong even though you know you're right? Friday as I was leaving the house, the maintenance guy was on our stoop salting the sidewalk. I waited until he was done, took out the garbage, came back and grabbed my laundry and locked my door. I was gone all day and "Kammie" was at work, but then I got a call from her around ten saying our back door was wide open. Now, I know for a fact that I locked the damn door. And if I didn't, I definitely shut it. And there's no way the cats opened it. So someone had to have been in our house. Nothing was missing but we're both pretty freaked out.

I called the cops and tried calling the emergency line for my management company, only to receive a call back from some guy swearing at me for waking him up. It wasn't even 11 and isn't that the point in an emergency line? I snapped off on him and told him I was filing a complaint Monday. That's just straight up ridiculous. And to save his ass, he called the cops and told them I had had a break in and he was worried. Bullshit dude.

So the cops came and made a report. And I'm going to my management's office tomorrow and demanding the locks be changed. I don't feel comfortable in my own home now. Last night I slept with a stool under my bedroom door. Not cool.

I don't really have much faith in my management company either. I've been trying to get them to come fix some stuff for over two months. All around completely ridiculous.

I kind of drank a little this weekend but nothing you could call severe. Seriously. I had 1 beer on Thursday and two glasses of wine and a beer last night. I think that overall that's pretty good right? I mean, if you look at how I have been drinking, I'm almost at nun status now. That little amount did get me kind of tipsy though and I headed home and passed out. So I know this probably wouldn't be a big deal to other people but for me it has some significance.

I think that deserves two gold stars for the day!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Puppies!! again...






Aren't they the cutest thing? These are "Robbie's dogs, Mollie and Rea. Rea is the one in pink and she's their new puppy they got after bandit got killed, poor thing. I went over there this morning to let her use my car to go take a test and we got the dogs all bundled up for a walk. Rea even has her toenails painted pink! So fricking cute!


So day four of Sobriety and I have to say it actually feels kind of good. My cousin woke me up at 7:45 wanting a ride to work and I was actually OK to get up and give her one. Weird. I guess I'm going to have lots of time to start working out now. Which is great, because I've been wanting to tone up and lose 20 lbs forever. Now I have even more incentive to do it. I'm nothing if not motivated when I have an actual reason to be.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Monogamy or Myth?

Alright, I know this is two posts today but I was just looking through this site and had to say something about it. We were watching Current TV last night and they had a snippet about this site: www.exboyfriendjewelry.com.

This girl and her mom decided to put it up when she couldn't figure out what to do with all the jewelry her ex-husband had given her. You can buy and sell stuff that was given to you by an ex, and you can even post a little message about why you want to sell it.

So I just checked it out. This is not good. Like I really need more fuel for my already growing cynical views about relationships. One woman wrote how her husband was going back and forth on business trips and she found out that he had a wife and a whole family in a different city. And all of the women posting don't just say that, "oh, things just didn't work out." Every. Single. One. I read states that the man cheated.

Ahhhh!! Why? Is it so impossible to have a fricking relationship with another human being and not sleep around? Am I naive in thinking that this is the way relationships should be? What is the point in being with someone and putting all that time and effort into getting to know them, and moving in with them, and meeting their family, if you're just going to be a sleaze and cheat around behind their backs? Some of these men should be ashamed of themselves.

And don't get me wrong. I know women do this too. I'm not saying they don't. But more often than not, it's the man that cheats.

My therapist says that I've never been exposed to any healthy relationships and so I have no idea that they exist, but that that's what I'm searching for most of all. Really? I could have told her that. I really don't need to pay her to tell me what I already know.

What I will pay her to tell me is, how do you stay optimistic that monogamy is possible when everything around you says different?

I'd be the best Bad Girl

It's really interesting doing things sober that you usually do all the time drunk. Like watching the Bad Girls Club. Which is still hilarious, drunk or not. How could it not be? These girls are crazy!

Boston: "You disrespected my brother! You better say sorry right now! That's not how we do it in Boston!"

The girl she's yelling at is from Compton. Like she cares how you "do it in Boston?"

Then Kayla grabs the kettle off the stove and throws it at Boston.

Classic.

Then Tiffany starts throwing up in the sink.

Best part of the show. Reminds me of my house. (Kammie was throwing up in our sink this morning)

And the Boston girl thinks she's so hard? How come she doesn't know how to make a fist?

Ha Ha. I love this show.

*So Day Three of Sobriety commences.*

I thought it would be harder, but it's not. My health is a lot more important to me than drinking beer everyday. Plus, I don't want to never be able to drink again, or drink for fun stuff like New Years.

So if that means being sober for a couple of weeks, then I'm all for it. It's actually nice waking up without a hangover. I have been having some crazy ass dreams though. I think it has to be the Vicodin. I didn't freak out like the night before, but I did have to fall asleep with the tv on. For some reason, as soon as I turn the lights off, I start falling asleep and then I see all types of crazy things in my head. Is this normal? I don't know. I've never taken Vicodin before. Hopefully, I won't have to take them much anymore. My chest started hurting again last night after work though, and I'm not taking any chances. I absolutely can not afford to miss anymore work. I'm in the process of getting my doctor to sign off on FMLA so if I do have to miss work again for this reason, I'm covered.

Jobs are just way too scarce to be looking for another one right now.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Wake Up CALL

I actually have a lot to post today. First things first, the night before last I was awaken at 4 am by the weirdest feeling in my arm. I lay there for a few minutes and waited for it to go away. When it didn't, I got up and tried taking some Ibuprofen and drinking some Pepto, since the pain had moved to my stomach. The pain only got worse and ended up moving to my back as well. Eventually "Kammie" woke up and came out to see what was wrong with me, and by that time I was pretty much reduced to tears and could barely breathe. She rushed me to the hospital, where they gave me oxygen and some pain meds through an IV, and eventually the pain went down.

I didn't have a heart attack, thank god. That would have been really embarrassing at 24. But as to what happened, they aren't sure. I have to make an appointment to have an ultra sound on my gaul bladder soon. In the meantime, the doctor gave me some pain medicine and some Prilosec OTC. He thinks that it may be an ulcer. I take Ibuprofen almost every day and because of the Ritalin, I don't eat that much, so I've pretty much burned a hole in my stomach. Nice huh?

This experience has really opened my eyes, and I've decided to change my habits a little bit. First things first, I threw away all of the Ibuprofen when I got home. And I've decided to slow down on drinking. I'm 24 and I'm not trying to die or anything, so if my drinking is really that unhealthy that I wake up unable to breathe in the middle of the night, then that shits gotta go. Of course I'm going to celebrate New Years, but not as hard, and definitely no drinking before then.

The bad thing about the meds they gave me is I have a really hard time with pain meds and anything in the opiate family. I get really sick and end up throwing up. Usually they give me something to counteract the nausea but they didn't this time. So I ended up laying on my couch all day yesterday, nauseous and groggy.

When I went to bed, I started having these crazy dreams about guys crawling through my window and killing me, or sneaking in my front door. I know this sounds weird but does anyone else ever have dreams like this? Or end up freaking out when you're home alone? I don't always have this problem, but I've seen too many movies where the main character wakes up and some guys hands over her mouth, or like in Mr. Brooks, Kevin Costner has that nifty little tool he uses to get in the house even though the chain is on the door. See, these things are possible. I live in an ok neighborhood I guess, but hey, I'm a woman and these things do happen.

So last night as I'm laying there all doped up on drugs, I started to get really anxious about this, even more than normal. I couldn't sleep, and "Kammie" was at "Robbie's" house. So I ended up cuddling on the couch with my cat until she came home, and then crawled in bed where I proceeded to have a dream that my brother's character on Grey's Anatomy was going to get killed off, and some killer was going to make it happen in real life. Yeah, no more Vicadin for me.

There's all my bad news.

Even with all this crap, I am so excited for New Years! We have decided we are going to go to Chicago. This party sounds so amazing and I think after the year we've all had, a kick ass party is exactly what we need. "Kammie" has changed her number so C can't call her, and it's been decided he can't come for New Years. We all feel bad for excluding him, but it's sort of his fault. I want to go and have an excellent time, and knowing him, he's just going to be moping about "Kammie" or making her feel uncomfortable, and I'm sorry, but I'm straight on that.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Just a little bit Crazy

I went to my first therapy appointment on Friday. I have some mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I really think this could be good for me. Talking to another person who has experience with some of my issues. Maybe even getting help resolving them so I can move on. I really hope so. But on the other hand, after I left her office, all I wanted to do was get drunk. I hate talking about my dysfunctional family, and my drinking, and how my past BFs treated me like crap and left me, and how the only reason I ever dated these horrible guys in the first place is cause I have abandonment issues and I latch on even when I know it's not good for me. I hate that. It feels like I'm whining and just puts me in a crappy mood. But overall, I guess I'm going to keep going and see what happens. I'll just have to make sure I have beer in the fridge for afterwards.

One thing she kept asking me about was how I feel about guys now and I kind of surprised myself at the lack of emotion I feel. She asked me how I feel right now, and my answer was, "Nothing." And it's true. I feel absolutely nothing. I'm not interested in dating. I'm not interested in a relationship. I'm not even interested in checking out guys at the bar. This is amazing to me because I've always had a really healthy sexual appetite, but now there's nothing. I guess that will go away with time, hopefully, but in the mean time, I'm an icicle.

Anywho, For new years, I was looking up the price of the tickets to the party we want to go to and got a big shock. It's $130 per person, not including a room. But they do have a package, where you get two tickets and a room for $400. So if we all throw down on two rooms and 4 extra tickets, it's only going to be $165 per person. "Robbie" is super siked to go and is even going to skip Christmas presents to pay for it. She's so funny. But hey, I guess we all really want to get out of this town and have a blast. It's a really nice party too, at the Congress Hotel in Chicago. So of course they have a dress code, which sucks, because I really don't feel like being stuck in a dress all night. I was planning on wearing jeans. Dammit. But I guess it's worth it to see DJ Infinity. I was worried that I would be going with all couples and be stuck without anyone to kiss at midnight, but "Kammie's" not bringing C, and we're also bringing Katy and Mitch I think so all in all there will only be two couples there. Things could actually work out.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Taking out the Trash

In light of the holidays and all the good cheer, I've decided to flush everything negative out of my life. And that means the Ex is gone. All thoughts, pictures, videos, and even conversations about him will be expunged from my life. I'm going to start the new year happy.

In doing that, I have some things that I want to get off my chest. Unfortunately, I don't think it's a good idea to call him and tell him. He hasn't even made an attempt to contact me, so he's not even worth it. But I need to say this and then I'm done.

If it wasn't for this blog I don't think I could have gotten through this break-up so well and so fast. I'm definitely not over it obviously, but I am making great attempts to be better and be healthy.

So here goes:

Dear loser,

The only reason I'm writing this is to get these last things off my chest and then I'm done. When we first met, we didn't even have anything in common. I didn't even LIKE you. But then, I got to know you and it was pretty much a booty call. You were the one that wanted to take it to the next level. You were the one that wanted to live together. You were the one that made me get all serious and in love with you, and then you walk away.

It's kind of sad that you go through girls like that. You did the same thing to A, and I guess I should have seen the warning signs then but I was blinded I guess. It's really unfortunate that I still care for you even though you're a lying cheating little bitch. I really do think you and her will be good for each other. You're not very good people and I wouldn't wish either one of you on another human being. So good-bye. I really hope one day you grow up and realize what a piece of shit you are.

Peace Out!

The best girl you're ever gonna know


OK! I think I might change my phone number too. It's such a pain in the butt but obviously he is nothing but trouble for me and I need to stop letting him affect my life like this. So cheers to a fresh start!

I think I will go out and celebrate tonight. Yeah, I can already taste the jaegger bombs! Have a nice night everyone!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stupid Santa

God, it's fricking Christmas again. I'm sorry. I know everyone loves Christmas and the carols and the stupid fricking Christmas music, but seriously, not me. I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. Actually, I was grateful we even had Christmas.

I haven't gone into detail about this but my grandma raised us Jehovah's Witnesses, (this story would take too long so we'll save it for a future post, that basically includes why me and my brothers are completely thrown off of organized religion because of this cult we were forced to go to) but she still let us celebrate holidays and our birthdays. I don't think my dad would have allowed it any other way to tell you the truth.

Back to the point: now that I'm older and have bills, and rent, and a car to maintain, I can never afford to buy anyone a gift anyways so I really don't even care for Christmas anymore.

The girls and I decided to do secret Santa though. That way we won't feel bad about leaving anyone out and we won't have to spend a lot of dough. Truthfully, I'd rather we all just saved our stupid money for new years so we have more cash to spend in Chicago, but hey, I'm a lush and that means more to me than some silly little gift.

Hey, I appreciate the sentiment, but Christmas is about being happy and grateful for what you have right? Well, I'd be happy and grateful with a bottle of vodka, drunk on the streets of Chicago. That's my idea of a good holiday. And after my worst-thanksgiving-ever debacle, I'm definitely going all out for New Years.

Since I have a little extra money this year too thanks to school, I am planning on getting mom and grandma something. Mom has really helped me out so much this year and I think I would be the worst child ever if I didn't get her something to show her how much I appreciate her. See, I think about more than partying and getting wasted.

Or at least that's what I say on the surface.

Mmmmm beerrr.. Is it time to go home from work yet?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Grass is not always greener on the other side

There is a fricking blizzard outside. Not even kidding. We've gotten like 10 inches already and it's still coming down. Ugh. All I have to say though is thank god I got new tires and new brakes last week. It's bad enough the stupid wipers still aren't fixed. You wanna know how ghetto my car is? So we're waiting for the guys to call us back about the part I need, but until then I've just been sticking the wiper thing in the hole it broke out of and 50% of the time it works. The other day though, they got stuck on high and now won't turn off. So now I have to take the stupid fuse out every time I want to turn them off. Ha Ha I know, Ghetto! Oh well, you live with what you got right?

Speaking of living with what you got... You know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side?" Well, whenever I feel low about this stupid break-up and being single again, I think about this saying. And try to remind myself it's not always true.

Case in point: So as you know, Kammie is my roomie. Technically we are both single, but Kammie is sort of seeing C. Their relationship is the weirdest relationship I've ever seen. He's in love with her and I think deep down she does care for him a lot, but he's very clingy and it's pushing her away. When I say clingy I don't just mean calls her every day and wants to hang out kind of thing. I mean, calls her over and over until she finally picks up the phone, wants to hang out with her every single day, gets mad at her if she wants some alone time, and even shows up at our place even when she tells him not to. I know, single white female shit right there.

I feel bad for the guy sometimes because he's so obviously in love with her, but stalking her and making her feel bad is not a healthy way to make someone love you. I get really concerned sometimes about her. But I try to stay out of it as much as possible because, hey, her choice right?

But back to the point. So whenever I start getting sad and lonely and wishing the Ex was there with me, I look at this situation and realize, hey, it could be worse. And obviously, it's not always better to stick with someone, especially in such a bad situation.

So today, the grass is greener on my side of the fence. Even with the damn windshield wipers!

Monday, December 8, 2008

The bad news bear

I have a little bit of bad news. I'm dying!

Sike! Well I hope not at least. I started to have really bad stomach problems on Saturday. I didn't think anything of it until yesterday. The pain started to get worse all day and then, (this is kind of gross) but i started crapping black. I've looked it up on Webmd and I think I have an ulcer. I tried to go to the emergency room last night after work but they were really busy and I was tired so I just went home.

I don't know. If it continues I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. I really hope I don't have anything wrong with me. Ulcers can be caused by alcohol I guess. An ulcer at 24. Cool.

If there is something wrong with me, I'm going to use this as a wake up call and slow the hell down. I have moments where I love being alone and spending time with myself, but more times than not, the loneliness is too much so I'm always on the go. Trying to find something to do to keep myself busy.

Time to direct my energies elsewhere I think. Mom got me a membership to the Princeton Club so as soon as I get a lock, I'm gonna start going hopefully a couple of days a week after work. I think I need to work off all this sadness and aggression I have pent up about the Ex. Might be kind of therapeutic to kick the shit out of a dummy or something.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

My new tattoo


So I finally got my tattoo finished last night. I wanted to do the shading pink but pink fades so I went with two different blues. I love it but man did it hurt. NEVER get a tattoo on the top of your foot. There's no fat, at least there isn't on my feet, and I was practically in tears when they went over the bone. Next tat is definitely going on a part of my body that has some meat on it.

Still haven't heard anything from the Ex but I guess that says it all. I still have mixed feelings about this whole thing. On one hand I still love him and want to see him, but then on the other hand I get all mad at myself and can't believe I would even talk to him again. He's a cheater and a liar and I can do so much better than that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Truthfully, I think I only still want him for the sex. Which was always A-FUCKING-MAZING if I do say so myself. But I MUST BE STRONG. He does not deserve me and it's so degrading even lowering myself to this situation.

On another note, I am losing weight at an alarming rate. I can't eat anything. Nothing tastes good anymore and I'll eat a few bites of something and be completely full. It's great to lose weight and the Ritalin really is helping with my ADD but I really think I need to get some vitamins or something. This is not healthy. I haven't had a glass of milk in like a month and I used to drink milk all the time. Not good.

And I need to start getting some more sleep. I didn't sleep for like 3 days and when I finally took some sleeping pills, I still only slept 6 hours and 4 hours last night. Insomnia is a bitch.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Guilty Pleasures

I usually don't like these stupid shows on TV like Rock of Love, or Paris Hilton's my new BFF. I've watched a couple episodes and I always feel like my I.Q. drops a few points afterwards.

I love the Bad Girls Club though. That show is so funny. The premiere for this season was on the night before last and I DVR'd it. Me and "kammie" watched it that night and me and "Louie" watched it again last night before we went out to the bar.

There's this girl on there and every other sentence out of her mouth is, "that's how we roll in Boston," "that's how we do it in Boston." OMG!

Is she serious? Who the hell cares?

That girl had us rolling around on the floor. More power to her for loving her city but come on!

And the ghetto one, Kayla. Wow! That girl has some major anger issues. I got so tired of watching them get thrown out of every club they went to. Simmer down child. Seriously!

Even though these girls seem to be mentally disabled I'm still going to watch this show this season.

Got to have at least one guilty pleasure. And alcohol doesn't count. That's just a given.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

That's the truth

A question that was asked in my previous post: "who ended the relationship between you and Ex? Because if he ended it with you and started dating this girl who so obviously was trying to get with him the whole time he was with you, then that's pretty messed up?"

I just wanted to clear this up a little because obviously the situation is way messed up. He had gotten into some trouble and his PO decided she didn't want him living with me and we shouldn't have contact for awhile.

Things from there just disintegrated. I think he blamed me a little for his situation and low and behold, there she is to lick his wounds.

She's like a cockroach. You can't get rid of her, she just keeps coming back.

And now, he's all confused because, oops things with her aren't working out either.

As I've said, I love him. Don't always know why but there you go. But seriously, it's like when things get rough, he doesn't know how to stick. Like I've said, he really has a lot of growing up to do. Things aren't always easy and this is one of the reasons I was so hurt after things ended between us. Even though it wasn't always easy, and he hurt me unbelievably, I was always there and willing to make things work, because I really felt like if we both put forth the effort, we could.

But even if he wants to get back together now, I really don't think I have anything left. And that's just plain old sad.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Unwelcome drama

Well, I finally was able to get the truth about the situation with the Ex last night. Now, as this is my blog, and I am using this to be completely honest, I will share this even though I'm not exactly proud of everything I've done.

That being said, here goes. So last night the Ex called me and wanted to hang out. He said his car didn't have any gas and he wanted me to pick him up. Now, I'm not stupid so of course red flags were going up here right away. But I picked him up anyways because I knew we needed to talk.

He was very quiet and I knew he was upset about something, but I just kept quiet and waited for him to tell me himself. He ended up not needing to though because my phone rang, bringing me lots of news.

The call came up private, and when I said hello no one said anything back. I looked at the Ex across the couch and just knew this had to be about him. So I said into the phone, I don't know who this is but yes the Ex is here and hung up.

A few minutes later it rang again private but this time she decided to talk. It turned out to be the girl I can't stand, that he claimed he was just friends with while we were dating and who he had had a previous relationship with years before. We'll call her L. When me and him were ending things, he started spending a lot of time with this girl. He told me that he knew she was in love with him but he had been very clear that he just wanted to be friends and that he still loved me. Again with the not stupid, but what could I do? It wasn't like we were together or anything.

So during this call she proceeded to tell me that they have been dating for a little while and that he was sort of staying with her at her place. Also, the car that he has, is in her name.

After my initial shock, which wasn't very large I must admit because I was pretty sure his silence had something to do with something like this. I decided to tell her that no, I was not aware of this and that she should know he had come over the week before and we hooked up, and he was there right now. I did tell her though that I was mad at him for lying to me but I did not feel bad about it on her end. She has done this same thing to me as well as to other women and as far as I'm concerned it's about time she got a little taste of her own medicine. Then I hung up.

Okay, then the conversation with the Ex. At first he thought I was going to yell but I was very proud of myself for keeping calm and having a adult conversation about this. He did admit that after I stopped calling, he did decide to try a relationship with her again. Which if you think about it, I can not be mad about as he was single and had every right to date whoever he wanted and obviously things with us were far from perfect. I can't get mad at him for trying to be happy with someone else. But of course I can be mad that he lied to me about it.

So then he says that all of a sudden I called him and he had been thinking about me all the time so he came over to talk. He says he wasn't prepared for everything with us to actually be good and he was really surprised at how happy I was to see him. I guess things between them are not good and all they do is argue. So things progressed from there. Of course, he should have been honest with me in the first place and told me the truth. But this is how our relationship has always been. He would think that I'd get mad about something so instead of trusting me, he would lie. Definitely one of the reasons it never worked out with us.

So all in all this is where things lie. She is now aware of his infidelity and as to where they go from here, I don't know. I did ask him and he said he wasn't sure. He told her in the beginning that he'd try dating her again but if it didn't work out then he was done.

One thing I tried to make perfectly clear to him is that I can never trust him. Yes, I'm mad that he lied to me. Yes, I'm mad he used me to cheat on someone else and make me the OTHER WOMAN. But of course yes I still love him. I always will. But as they say, once a cheater always a cheater.

Now, I do feel a little bad because I have never knowingly hooked up with a guy who had a girlfriend, and it really bothers me that i'm now in that category. But then there's a part of me that does not feel bad at all. When me and him were together, this girl tried as hard as she could to get with him, not caring how I would feel. When I did confront her about this before, all she had to say to me was "too bad, you're stupid if you think he won't cheat on you with me." I know she's 19 and very immature but I couldn't help but think how sad and ignorant this girl is. And what a disgrace to women everywhere. If she thinks it's funny to steal another girl's man, then I really hope she's getting a rude awakening right now. It does not feel good to be cheated on and you should never, no matter if you like a person or not, wish such a horrible thing on someone. Even though I didn't know he had a girlfriend, and I really really dislike this girl, apart of me feels bad for her.

A very small, itsy bitsy part that is.

So where do I go from here? You know what? Nowhere. I am not going to dwell on this. I really do feel it's really sad though that as the victims in this story, there has to be such animosity between her and me instead of with him, but I guess that's just how some women are.

And as to him and me, as I said I'll never trust him again so of course getting back together is completely out of the question, but you know what? That's OK with me. The gloves have finally come off and I'm OK with that.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Frustration

When I woke up this morning I was not aware that today would completely suck. First off, I talked to the Ex yesterday morning and asked if he wanted to hang out last night. He was sort of vague, which was OK but i asked him if he would at least call me to let me know either way. I never got a call.

Then this morning I woke up and realized I could not get my windshield wipers off. (Side note: I broke the wiper thing off awhile ago and have been waiting on the part to get it fixed.) Never, ever, do this to your car. It's the most annoying thing in the world. So I drove to work with my wipers on, with no snow or rain. What a dork!

Then, I called my pharmacy to see if my prescription was ready and was advised it was. Only to get there and find out it wasn't. The girl actually had the nerve to tell me that she didn't have time to check on it! Then she shouldn't have said it was ready.

So, I came into work in a funk. Which is not good since I'm in customer service. Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts!

I'm just plain old frustrated with the Ex and myself I guess. I'm sort of regretting calling him in the first place. I think we definitely need to have a talk because I really need to know what the point is in him calling me in the first place if he's just going to be a prick and blow me off anyway.

It really does not make any sense. He really makes no sense. Maybe he does to any guys reading this, but he sure doesn't to me. He says he loves me and misses hanging with me, but I really can't believe that because if he did he would call more and want to see me.

It's like he's playing games with me so he holds the power or something and I hate that. I hate when people play games. What is the point? Just say what you mean!