Sunday, November 23, 2008

One step forward, four steps back

OK so a lot has happened in the last couple of days. First, me and Robbie had planned to go see Twilight Friday night but just as I was getting off of work, she called me crying hysterically. She had opened the door to go outside and her dog got by her and ran right in the road after a rabbit, and was hit by a car. She said it was horrible. He went flying and the car just kept going. On the way to the hospital, he died in her arms. They're both just completely devastated. I already had the tickets to the movie so I went there and sold them to someone since the tickets are non-refundable, and we ended up just hanging out. I feel so bad for her. She is so upset and feels like it's all her fault that she didn't catch him. Not like she could have, that dog was super fast. So kind of a bad start to the weekend.

Last night, the Ex did call me as he said he would and he ended up coming over for a bit. It was like the last two months never happened. All the feelings are still there on both sides. It's still super complicated and we both agree that we're not ready to get back together, but there is that possibility for the future. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I will never take him back until I'm sure he's ready for a commitment and he's not going to hurt me like that again. "Louie" is very skeptical about the whole thing and thinks I shouldn't trust him. Well of course!!! There is no way I trust him right now.

I'm actually glad we had this break from each other these last few months. For one, it's given me a lot of perspective. I am fully aware of how he affects me and how unhealthy it is for me to put all my love and trust into him. He's like my kryptonite. When he's around me, all logic just disappears and all I can think about is him.

He had to leave early last night and give a guy he worked with a ride home. So he came back this morning before I had to go to work and we ended up snuggling and then of course the inevitable happened and we had sex. Afterwards, as we're laying there, he said he really hates it that when we had each other we took each other for granted and were so mean to each other. And I know exactly how he feels. He was telling me he was unhappy and I just didn't listen to him. And now i lost him. No, it's not all my fault. We both made mistakes, I just hope we can move on from here.

He did get a little weird after and made sure to let me know that this does not mean we're back together. I got kind of mad, because who does he think he is? Really? That comment was really unnecessary. I have a life too and there is no way that I'm letting him mess up my Independence again. I don't want to be in a relationship right now anyway. I just miss him and know I need him in my life, no matter how much that is.

I asked him if he thought it was a mistake that I called him and he said no, but he was just being cautious. Red flags are going up everywhere right now. I kind of wish I never called him because now I'm back at square one. Why do I have to be in love with a child? Seriously. And I tried to not be in love with him, and I tried to not have him in my life. But it's just a losing battle. When he first walked in, everything just disappeared and there was only him. I am such a goner!!!! And it makes me so sad. I Know I deserve a guy who appreciates me and loves me to the fullest extent, and I know he's capable of that, just not right now. We're both just not ready and have a lot to work on.

I am trying to be optimistic and just go with the flow. It's hard but I'm not really in any hurry. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't. I just hope I don't end up getting hurt, but with him it seems inevitable.

3 comments:

  1. Oh girl. How the heart can cloud the mind sometimes huh?

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  2. Was going to email you this but couldn't find your address. Don't be disappointed with Twilight yet. It was actually really entertaining and parts of it were incredibly well done! It was just the few botched moments that they should have polished up. Still go see it and don't let my jabs take away from it!

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  3. good luck!!!! I will send positive thoughts your way on this working out!!

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