Monday, October 6, 2008

Ive lost my mojo

I think I might be in a funk. I was talking with "Larry" today at lunch. (oh, and if you're wondering about the weird names i give my friends, i take their last name and make a new name out of it. Most of them turn out to be guy's names, which is funny since I'm referring to girls. They don't feel very comfortable with me using their real names though so i thought i would come up with something i could remember easily) We were discussing my Ritalin and how it does look like i have lost some weight, especially in my face. I took some pictures this weekend with "Kammie" and i actually had my hair down and straightened, which i never do because it takes so much time but it always looks amazing, and she was commenting on how good i looked in the pictures.

And this made me realize something. I really don't seem to care about getting pretty very much anymore. When you get into a relationship, your significant other tells you constantly how beautiful you are and so you don't try as hard to constantly be perfect. Truthfully Ive always been more of a down to earth girl and i really don't dress up to the extremes very often. But recently I've noticed that I'm not even trying at all. And that is not a good thing. When you're in a relationship you have the luxury of being a little lazy sometimes, but when you're single, especially if you're looking for a relationship, its kind of lazy not to make at least a little bit of an effort.

But do i really care? That's where i keep getting stuck. I have this feeling lately of hopelessness when it comes to relationships. Ive really lost faith in the whole process that i think i might just not even care anymore. I mean look at my track record. I meet a guy, we really like each other, he goes on and on about how much he loves me, he talks me into moving in together and then things are good, and then poof! Its over. And he says he still loves you but the phone calls get fewer and far between and then one day stop all together. I'm tired. I'm really tired of the whole process.

So if that means that i get to sleep in another 15 minutes instead of getting up and straightening my hair, or polishing my toes, than I'm going to sleep in another 15 minutes. Because i really am tired of it all.

But truthfully i cant lie. Not here. I have been feeling very jealous of my girls lately. Every time we hang out i kind of feel like the 5th wheel and i really hate it. Not that i ever am the 5th wheel, but it makes me sad that at night when we all go home, I'm the only one sleeping alone. It'd be better if i heard from him ever, but there's barely any hope left in me for him either. Very disappointing.

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