Wednesday, September 24, 2008

There is some hope

Well, my heart certainly beat the living crap out of my head last night, that's for sure. After work i stopped at moms to pick up money to pay my security deposit, ( yes, i am a grown woman, and yes i have my own job and my own money, but shes rolling in it now cause of the guy she is dating, and if I'm low on funds, she helps me out, and i pay her back ) and then the ex called, wanting to hang out. He is so silly sometimes. First, he says he doesn't think we should talk anymore, and then he calls wanting to hang out.

He was wasted of course but i didn't realize it at first. Of course we got into a fight not even 15 minutes after he was there and i told him to get out, he started to leave, i started to cry, and the next thing we know, we're naked in bed. This is what I'm talking about when i refer to the fact that we cant let each other go. We have so much passion for each other that sometimes i think its going to kill us.

I took him back to the house he was hanging out at and then came home to meet "Milla" to watch a movie and drink some wine. Not even an hour after i dropped him off, he calls back and says he misses me and wants to sleep over. I had originally said i had to go to bed early because i had to get up at 7 this morning to get my car fixed. "Milla" has been dying to meet him so i decided to pick him up again. (His car is being fixed right now) He might even have been a little drunker than before, or he just smoked more weed and his eyes were super droopy. I was proud of him though for not being an ass in front of "Milla" and embarrassing me. But we had a good time and it was nice having him sleep over and snuggle. He really must have missed me because he held on all night.

So the conversations we had last night have given me a little bit more hope for our situation. He seems to really be miserable and wants to be with me but is not sure how we would work it out. I told him that there's really nothing we can do right now anyways. At least not until the no contact is lifted. So for now, we'll just continue how we have been, seeing each other once in awhile, and then maybe in the future we can be together. "Kammy" was hesitant about signing a year lease with me, and i told her anytime she wants to move she can. I can handle the rent. So if that happens, that would work out perfectly. If me and the ex are still talking, then he can move back in and we'll be back together, without my brother sleeping on the couch of course, of which i promised i would never make the mistake of making ever again. We'll see what happens. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Just like an alcoholic.

He's actually got a lot of animosity towards "Screwy" for taking advantage of us for so long. Truthfully i don't blame him. Hes my brother, and i love him, and obviously I'd do anything for him, but i sometimes resent the hell out of him. Do i completely blame him for me and the ex breaking up? No. That would be petty and naive. But yes, i do realize that him staying on our couch for 7 months and bringing his cat there, who pissed in the closet every chance he got by the way, definitely put a strain on our relationship. And now there's all this water under the bridge between us and its very unclear if we can move forward and put the past in the past. Only time will tell i guess.

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