Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Head vs. Heart

Oh god, i am going to seriously throw myself in front of a damn bus some day. Just kidding but thats how i feel sometimes. So last night "kammy" was supposed to meet me at the house to fill out the app for the appt. But she wouldnt answer the phone forever and when i called nays house, she was over there. Finally, at 1230 she called and said she was by my house, and was going to stop by. The reason she didnt answer was because she was freaking out about moving in together. I told her im kinda freaking out myself but i need to know because i have to move by next week and if she doesnt want to, i have to know now. Well she filled out the app and i turned it in and we got approved so hopefully everything goes good. She text me and says shes actually excited now, but she still has to look at it though and one of the bedrooms is kinda small so i hope she doesnt change her mind. Whatever. We can fight about who gets what room later. Truthfully id kinda like to have the apartment to myself so if things dont work out, im cool with her moving.

On the way to the appointment i was driving down main st and passed the ex's brothers shop and saw that that stupid bitch's car was parked there that i hate. And then he calls me. And we got into a huge fight about what his friend claims i said about him, how he thinks im talking crap about him, and all this other bull crap. He was so mad, and he says he wants all his stuff back and then he thinks we shouldnt talk anymore and that he cant trust me. Is he serious? I got so mad i screamed at him and hung up. Not exactly very mature but that last comment really made me mad. When we were dating he told me he wasnt talking to that girl anymore because he knew i hated her. Turns out he was talking to her and friends with her our entire relationship. When i proceeded to call him on this he tells me that shes just a friend. But why lie then, i asked? and he says becuase he knew i would be mad. !!!!!! and he cant trust me? Puhlease!!!!! Im not dumb. So again, whatever. Im tired of this. I seriously am. He says he loves me and thinks about me every day but he doesnt call cause he cant trust me. Thats bull crap and im really tired of it.

He has done some really fucked up shit to me during the time ive known him and yet, im still good to him and have always been here for him. But according to him i can do no right. And i really dont need that shit. When i dated Andy, the guy before him, he used to put me down all the time. Telling me i was dumb and fat and all kinds of horrible things. He was the kind of guy who was so insecure he had to make the people around him miserable to feel better about himself. Unfortunately this is something i did not learn about him until after i had fallen in love with him and we moved in together. The current ex has never really emotionally abused me to that extent but he sure doesnt skimp on explaining over and over and over how ive fucked things up and how im such a horrible person. Well not the last part but thats the way it seems sometimes.

So what to do? i swear, me and him are really messed up. Obviously our relationship is not healthy, for either of us and we need to just move on. I realize that. Im not naiive. But no matter how practical i am, or how smart i am in my head, my heart is definately singing a different tune.

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Last night when i was sitting home, watching the season 4 of Greys Anatomy i rented from Blockbuster (can not wait for the season premiere thursday! hell fucking yeah.. i know im a dork) feeling a little sorry for myself, and drinking from a box of wine i bought myself. Thats right, a whole box of wine. I didnt drink it all last night but i did end up going to the bar with my guy "D" for a few shots. My liver suffers the most when im upset and agitated. Thats for sure. When my doc put me on ritilin, which im now on twice a day by the way, he advised me to not drink. As ive stated, i dont listen to doctor's advice very much, especially when it comes to drinking. It always falls on deaf ears. But i think i might need to start listening to him. He told me i've lost 5 pounds since the last time i've seen him and i think it may have something to do with all the throwing up i've been doing. No, im not bullimic. It's just that ever since he's put me on these meds, i throw up ALL the time. Hot huh?

So last night when we were leaving the bar i bent over in the grass and had to throw up. And not just a little either. 15 minutes. Im not even kidding. Stupid meds. They should make medicine that works better with alcohol instead of intesifying the effects and making you sick. That would be my perfect world. Oh, and id be married to Brad Pitt.

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