Thursday, September 25, 2008

In la-la land

Usually when i get to work I have so many things to talk about I cant wait to start blogging. But for some reason today I'd start thinking about something but my mind just couldn't stay focused. One of the reasons may because i took my first Ritalin at 9 am and forgot to take the second one until 5. But it's probably because Greys is on tonight and of course the day is dragging on by. Sometimes I just want to scream at these customers to figure it out themselves, I get so antsy. But that's a sure way to lose my job right there. Ever have that dream where you come to work and tell everyone off? Yeah me either. Those fantasies usually run through my head during the day while I'm actually at work.

I did go and sign the lease today. *oh, butterfly's in my stomach* "Kammy" and I have been talking about this for a few weeks but it still doesn't alleviate some of the anxiety i feel about this move. I've never lived with another girl before. I mean, yeah my grandma raised me, and for a few months i lived with mom after the ex-ex and I broke up, but I've never had a girl roommate before. Especially one that is such good friends with me such as "kammy" is. I really don't want anything to ruin our friendship and I've seen how much animosity can come between roommates from personal experiences, as well as from friend's experiences. I guess the best way to tackle the situation is to go in with both of us communicating what we expect, as well as setting some ground rules right from the get go. As long as each of us is respectful and not inconsiderate to each other, i don't foresee any problems. Words escape me right now but i know there's some saying out there about the best laid plans. But as I've wrote before, one day at a time. Hey, i think that will be my new motto. It sure seems to fit perfectly into my life right now.


On a side note: I wanted to write a quick note about part of the conversation me and the ex had the night before:

me: I'm actually really surprised at how well I'm handling this breakup

him: oh, so you're doing just fine huh? living it up and happy to be single?

me: no, and the only reason I'm even making it even a little is because I'm medicated you ass, and it was your idea to break up, not mine

him: no, it was my Po's

me: she implemented the no contact rule but that doesn't mean you have to disappear and not call me for a week

him: you know that's not true, its hard talking to you knowing we're not together

me: whatever

*Full of bullshit sometimes isn't he?


As I'm writing this my crazy cousin just called but i couldn't answer it as I'm at work. Now here's some background on me and my cousin "Sam". She is 25 years old, had 4 kids and is completely out of her mind. She got divorced and decided she missed out on her teenage years and needs to make up for it now. Even though her kids, who live with her dad by the way, ask for her all the time, they barely see her. Sometimes i think they're better off, but that's my opinion. Last year at thanksgiving, she took too many Oxycontin and passed out under the kitchen table. ( I told you my life is crazy)

Well i started spending a little bit of time with her a couple of months ago to maybe settle her down, which is kind of funny seeing as how i party all the time too, but i don't have 4 kids so it doesn't count. If i stay out until 5 am and come home puking my brains out, no children are affected in any way.

So she came over to my house a couple of months ago and had these two guys with her who only spoke Spanish. One of them was her new boyfriend and they were all over each other. I am a really laid back person, but when it comes to my house, no one better disrespect my place. I was in the kitchen doing beer bongs of wine, yeah i know it sounds crazy but it's actually very fun, and i wasn't paying any attention to them. She said he was staring at my tits(! yeah i was like wtf !) and she was mad and needed to talk to him so I had told them they could talk in my bathroom but they were in no way to have sex. After i realized they were gone, i tried to open my bedroom door and my light was in front the door. I pushed the door open and found my cousin and her boy toy in my bed, naked. After i proceeded to throw her out of my house naked by her hair, i really have not talked to her since. You may think that was kind of harsh, but as far as I'm concerned, that is where i sleep, and the only person that should be having sex on my bed and getting juices on it, should be me. So I'm sort of curious to hear her voicemail message and find out what she wants.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A little peak into a Lush

So i realized that i haven't told you all a lot about Me personally so here's a little bit into me:

Name: Well we'll just say Lush

Age: 24

Status: Single/ not single- long story, read the posts

Children: Not yet but if i do i want one girl

Job: Customer Service

School: I was going to MATC, but am switching to school online. Recently i was going to go into education but I've found myself shying away from that. Both my dad and brother have spent numerous time in and out of prison. Nice family i know. But I've seen the effects that institutionalization can do to a person and i feel really strongly about rehabilitating these people so they don't come out and just repeat the same pattern and stay criminals.

Living Arrangements: am moving into an apartment with a good friend and scared as hell about it

Pets: I have 3 cats, one of which i stole from my ex

Hometown: Madison, WI- born and raised

Family: Lived with my Grandma since I was 2, mom, dad, 2 older brothers, a sister in law

Why “Madison Lush”: Well I'm from Madison and I'm a little lush


Movie: Gone with the wind, The notebook, Hitman, Mr. Brooks, Armageddon- I know this list is weird but this is me. I love sappy love stories and i love action movies. The more sword fights and blood the better.

TV Show: Buffy/Angel, Greys anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Trublood, Entourage

Music: I like rap and hip hop, techno and alternative.. I'm sort of eclectic but i hate country

Food: Fillet Mignon has to be the best invention ever.. i mean whats not to love? Steak wrapped in bacon! Yummy lol. I also love pot stickers and egg rolls, anything my grandma makes especially chicken and dumplings and fried chicken.

Foods i hate: Mushrooms, Brussels sprouts, and i can barely eat spicy food.. seriously, i just started putting pepper on my food. My friends and family find it hilarious to watch the faces i make after I've eaten something that's too spicy for me; glad they are amused by my pain.

I don’t smoke, but i do drink as much alcohol as humanly possible, just kidding but i am kinda a lush. I love to party and usually am up until dawn. I am very responsible though and even if i ha vent slept i drag my happy as to work everyday. I am getting older so this is not always as easy as it was when i was 19. I love to rent my favorite series on DVD and i can sit for hours watching episode after episode. Not exactly productive but hey, i don't care. I read about two or three books a week; more when i haven't been out partying too much that week.

Celebrity Crushes:
Anything Brad Pitt, David Beckham and Tyrese Gibson... Its unfair there are men out there this fine and i don't have any of them

Addictions: Myspace (I'm kind of a junkie) blogging, drinking, reading, my digital camera, Greys anatomy, and last but certainly not least..... sex (not really even kidding here, don't understand people that can go weeks, even months or god forbid, years )

There is some hope

Well, my heart certainly beat the living crap out of my head last night, that's for sure. After work i stopped at moms to pick up money to pay my security deposit, ( yes, i am a grown woman, and yes i have my own job and my own money, but shes rolling in it now cause of the guy she is dating, and if I'm low on funds, she helps me out, and i pay her back ) and then the ex called, wanting to hang out. He is so silly sometimes. First, he says he doesn't think we should talk anymore, and then he calls wanting to hang out.

He was wasted of course but i didn't realize it at first. Of course we got into a fight not even 15 minutes after he was there and i told him to get out, he started to leave, i started to cry, and the next thing we know, we're naked in bed. This is what I'm talking about when i refer to the fact that we cant let each other go. We have so much passion for each other that sometimes i think its going to kill us.

I took him back to the house he was hanging out at and then came home to meet "Milla" to watch a movie and drink some wine. Not even an hour after i dropped him off, he calls back and says he misses me and wants to sleep over. I had originally said i had to go to bed early because i had to get up at 7 this morning to get my car fixed. "Milla" has been dying to meet him so i decided to pick him up again. (His car is being fixed right now) He might even have been a little drunker than before, or he just smoked more weed and his eyes were super droopy. I was proud of him though for not being an ass in front of "Milla" and embarrassing me. But we had a good time and it was nice having him sleep over and snuggle. He really must have missed me because he held on all night.

So the conversations we had last night have given me a little bit more hope for our situation. He seems to really be miserable and wants to be with me but is not sure how we would work it out. I told him that there's really nothing we can do right now anyways. At least not until the no contact is lifted. So for now, we'll just continue how we have been, seeing each other once in awhile, and then maybe in the future we can be together. "Kammy" was hesitant about signing a year lease with me, and i told her anytime she wants to move she can. I can handle the rent. So if that happens, that would work out perfectly. If me and the ex are still talking, then he can move back in and we'll be back together, without my brother sleeping on the couch of course, of which i promised i would never make the mistake of making ever again. We'll see what happens. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Just like an alcoholic.

He's actually got a lot of animosity towards "Screwy" for taking advantage of us for so long. Truthfully i don't blame him. Hes my brother, and i love him, and obviously I'd do anything for him, but i sometimes resent the hell out of him. Do i completely blame him for me and the ex breaking up? No. That would be petty and naive. But yes, i do realize that him staying on our couch for 7 months and bringing his cat there, who pissed in the closet every chance he got by the way, definitely put a strain on our relationship. And now there's all this water under the bridge between us and its very unclear if we can move forward and put the past in the past. Only time will tell i guess.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Head vs. Heart

Oh god, i am going to seriously throw myself in front of a damn bus some day. Just kidding but thats how i feel sometimes. So last night "kammy" was supposed to meet me at the house to fill out the app for the appt. But she wouldnt answer the phone forever and when i called nays house, she was over there. Finally, at 1230 she called and said she was by my house, and was going to stop by. The reason she didnt answer was because she was freaking out about moving in together. I told her im kinda freaking out myself but i need to know because i have to move by next week and if she doesnt want to, i have to know now. Well she filled out the app and i turned it in and we got approved so hopefully everything goes good. She text me and says shes actually excited now, but she still has to look at it though and one of the bedrooms is kinda small so i hope she doesnt change her mind. Whatever. We can fight about who gets what room later. Truthfully id kinda like to have the apartment to myself so if things dont work out, im cool with her moving.

On the way to the appointment i was driving down main st and passed the ex's brothers shop and saw that that stupid bitch's car was parked there that i hate. And then he calls me. And we got into a huge fight about what his friend claims i said about him, how he thinks im talking crap about him, and all this other bull crap. He was so mad, and he says he wants all his stuff back and then he thinks we shouldnt talk anymore and that he cant trust me. Is he serious? I got so mad i screamed at him and hung up. Not exactly very mature but that last comment really made me mad. When we were dating he told me he wasnt talking to that girl anymore because he knew i hated her. Turns out he was talking to her and friends with her our entire relationship. When i proceeded to call him on this he tells me that shes just a friend. But why lie then, i asked? and he says becuase he knew i would be mad. !!!!!! and he cant trust me? Puhlease!!!!! Im not dumb. So again, whatever. Im tired of this. I seriously am. He says he loves me and thinks about me every day but he doesnt call cause he cant trust me. Thats bull crap and im really tired of it.

He has done some really fucked up shit to me during the time ive known him and yet, im still good to him and have always been here for him. But according to him i can do no right. And i really dont need that shit. When i dated Andy, the guy before him, he used to put me down all the time. Telling me i was dumb and fat and all kinds of horrible things. He was the kind of guy who was so insecure he had to make the people around him miserable to feel better about himself. Unfortunately this is something i did not learn about him until after i had fallen in love with him and we moved in together. The current ex has never really emotionally abused me to that extent but he sure doesnt skimp on explaining over and over and over how ive fucked things up and how im such a horrible person. Well not the last part but thats the way it seems sometimes.

So what to do? i swear, me and him are really messed up. Obviously our relationship is not healthy, for either of us and we need to just move on. I realize that. Im not naiive. But no matter how practical i am, or how smart i am in my head, my heart is definately singing a different tune.


Last night when i was sitting home, watching the season 4 of Greys Anatomy i rented from Blockbuster (can not wait for the season premiere thursday! hell fucking yeah.. i know im a dork) feeling a little sorry for myself, and drinking from a box of wine i bought myself. Thats right, a whole box of wine. I didnt drink it all last night but i did end up going to the bar with my guy "D" for a few shots. My liver suffers the most when im upset and agitated. Thats for sure. When my doc put me on ritilin, which im now on twice a day by the way, he advised me to not drink. As ive stated, i dont listen to doctor's advice very much, especially when it comes to drinking. It always falls on deaf ears. But i think i might need to start listening to him. He told me i've lost 5 pounds since the last time i've seen him and i think it may have something to do with all the throwing up i've been doing. No, im not bullimic. It's just that ever since he's put me on these meds, i throw up ALL the time. Hot huh?

So last night when we were leaving the bar i bent over in the grass and had to throw up. And not just a little either. 15 minutes. Im not even kidding. Stupid meds. They should make medicine that works better with alcohol instead of intesifying the effects and making you sick. That would be my perfect world. Oh, and id be married to Brad Pitt.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Lazy ass weekend

So the ex called thurs night and after 10 mins if discussion proceeded to snap at me for some shit his stupid friend told him. A friend who called my phone one night and had no where to stay so i let him crash on my couch, woke up and gave him a ride into town, only to find he had stolen $40 from my purse. When i called him on it he denied it and i havent heard from him since. People are seriously bullshit. See how im too nice?

So the ex decides to tell me i lied to him and he hates me and then proceeds to hang up on me. What a child. Im never dating anyone younger than me ever again. This friend of his is a habitual liar, in which he is aware, and he still gets all upset at me. Wont even let me get a word out before he spews bull crap and hangs up. Again, what a freaking child. And what is that any of his business anyways? I hate how he thinks he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and then he has the audacity to call me snapping at me for letting, #1 his FRIEND stay on my couch and for believing any bull this kid says. Screw it. Seriously i am too old for these preschool games. I think the stupid 19 year old he hangs out with is starting to rub her immaturity off on him. Loser!

Ok sorry about the rant but that was really pissing me off. So the rest of the weekend i pretty much just stayed at my other brother, "the boss's" all weekend. His fiance, we'll call her "monty" and the baby were in a 7 car pile up that some crazy lady caused. I dont know why she did this but she came to the stop sign, smashed into another car, hit , causing her to bounce off two more cars and then drove off hitting more cars. Her bumper fell off though with her license plate attached so luckily they were able to catch her, but the experience still shook up the baby, whos ok by the way, and totaled "monty's" car. Stupid people should not be allowed to drive or reproduce for that matter.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Wishing and hoping

You know the saying "if it was meant to be it will be?" Well over the last couple of weeks i have repeated that over and over to myself as a way to cope with all of this with the ex. But is that saying really true? After every break-up i always get very upset and devastated. Obviously from the last post i have trouble letting go. Probably a result of being abandoned by my parents when i was a child. But whatever the psychychartrist diagnosis involved, it seems to be true. And after each relationship was over, i was truly sure me and whoever were meant to be. Of course i was wrong. So am i wrong now?

I mean, i understand how difficult things are now between us. And theres no going back to the way things were before, but is it possible to learn from your mistakes and make something better than what you had before? I have a sinking feeling that that wont be the case when it comes to me and the ex. He seems to have too much animosity towards me sometimes and cant seem to move forward from the past. Conversations have circled around to things that happened months ago, and you definately can never move forward if you're looking behind you. But in our case its so much more difficult than that. I know we're still in love, but as he says, "just because you love someone does not mean you end up with them." Is it naiive of me to hope that this is not the case when it comes to us?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Addictive relationships

"Milla" decided to enlighten me today on a site she found online about addictive relationships. Supposedly her and doug, the 32 year old man-boy, fit the bill to a T. So i decided to pull it up and guess what? I always knew i had an addictive personality but i never realized that i brought that over into my relationships. Heres a list from the site on how you know if you are:

1. To be happy, you need a relationship. When you are not in a relationship, you feel depressed, and the cure for healing that depression usually involves meeting a new person.
2. You often feel magnetically drawn to another person. You act on this feeling even when you suspect the person may not be good for you.
3. You often try to change another person to meet your ideal.
4. Even when a relationship isn't good for you, you find it difficult to break it off.
5. When you consider breaking a relationship, you worry about what will happen to the other person without you.
6. After a break-up, you immediately start looking for a new relationship in order to avoid being alone.
7. You are often involved with someone unavailable who lives far away, is married, is involved with someone else, or is emotionally distant.
8. A kind, available person probably seems boring to you and even if he/she likes you, you will probably reject him/her.
9. Even though you may demonstrate independence in other areas, you are fearful of independence within a love relationship.
10. You find it hard to say no to the person with whom you are involved.
11. You do not really believe you deserve a good relationship.
12. Your self-doubt causes you to be jealous and possessive in an effort to maintain control.
13. Sexually, you are more concerned with pleasing your partner than pleasing yourself.
14. You feel as if you are unable to stop seeing a certain person even though you know that continuing the relationship is destructive to you.
15. Memories of a relationship continue to control your thoughts for months or even years after it has ended.

Its safe to say admitting to any of these things is not exactly flattering but since im using this site to be honest, here are the ones that apply to me.....

#1 kinda. By that i mean that i hate dating. I hate the whole process of meeting someone new and getting to know them, and especially the first time you do the deed, what he likes and what you like, and trying to find a rhythm, not for me. Its really annoying actually. Especially if you go on a date and the guy turns out to be a complete bonehead or some creep. Please, save me. But like ive said, the freedom of being single is definately nice.

#2 definately. Especially with the ex, its almost uncontrollable.

#4 I never am the one who breaks it off. Ever. Well at least not with the guys i actually cared about.

#8 Oh god. This hits home. I am NEVER attracted to "nice guys" and have in fact used the word boring to describe them.

#10 This is proven whenever the ex calls.

#14 Again antime he calls, im so there.

#15 I have this problem with lots of things though and it does have partly to do with my ADD and stress. But I am constantly running things through my head. Its so annoying. Over and over and over.

So what to do about this? Do i face the facts and let him go? Not answer the phone maybe? And heres the worst part. I know for a fact that until someone else comes along and im engrossed in them, i will never fully let him and me go. Sad but true.

Smarter than the average bear

I knew it. I knew he was going to fuck this up. So last night i get a text from "screwy", while hes supposed to be at work by the way, saying hes sorry and he has to meet his PO at the house in the morning so we'll talk then. I asked him if he still had his job and he told me we'd talk in the morning. Ominous as hell. Then i wake up and hes there and tells me he didn't go to work friday or monday and they told him if he didn't come with a doctors note yesterday to not bother coming back. I swear, what a retard that kid is. He should have dragged his ass to the doctor, gotten a note and then went to work.

Well i asked him what his plans were and he said he'd find a better job. When he first started staying with me it took him forever to find the job he found. No one wants to hire an ex-con u know. And in the mean time I supported him to help him out. I feel really bad but i told him im sorry but i really cant do that again. I don't want him sleeping on the streets but hes a grown man, i am not his mother or his girlfriend, thank the lord for that by the way, and i need to take care of myself too.

So he said he wasn't mad at me and it is his own fault. So at least there's no animosity there. Now i'm back to square one with the moving situation though. Me and "kammy" can either have C move in, which i'm sure we're both adamant about, or we can look for a two bedroom. I was so excited about moving to a house though. Oh well.

So remember how i called the ex at lunch and he said maybe he'd hit me up later? Yeah i was right about that one too. Later turned out to be 2:30 am. I was asleep of course and his message says he got done from work @ 4, started drinking and passed out. But hes off all today and will call me later. Lol. Silly boy. I have plans to go drinking with "milla" tonight. Im not available at your beck and call buddy.

So i told myself i wasn't waiting for his call last night, and truthfully if there was something to do i wouldn't have blown it off for him, but unfortunately there was nothing to do. I am so unbelievably bored its unbelievable. lol. And i mean with everything. Its always the same old thing all the time. I kinda like being single but i really don't like living alone that's for sure. Last night i got off work and with nothing fun planned, went to moms and hung out on the computer for awhile, went home and cleaned the house. That was actually good though because the house was MESSY. I just love a clean house, it always makes me feel better no matter what. Anyway, then i got drunk and watched legends of the fall. probably not a good idea when your alone, and drinking but oh well i love that movie. But how boring is that really? I need some excitement. I need some spice. I need something new.

A couple of weeks ago i applied to go work on a cruise ship. I know, crazy right? Not that i really want to do manual labor, or housekeeping or any of the other entry level jobs they offer, but i need a change and after the breakup i really just couldn't stand staying around here and watching him have fun while my heart is broken. I never heard anything back but to this day if i do, i still might go. "Robbie" would be so pissed though as shes getting married and wants me to help her plan her wedding, like i've ever planned a wedding before... that's funny.

So hopefully tonight will bring some sort of fun. Although going through life in a drunken haze is starting to wear thin too. Especially cause i've lost all my fun drinking buddies. Oh poor me. I guess ill just go eat worms.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

rethinking some things

Called the ex @ lunch today and asked him if he wanted to meet up lata and hang. Of course his answer is hes going out but was planning on sleeping @ home and if he does, he'll call me. So this is what its come to. If hes around SP he'll call me, but u know, dont wait up or anything. I thought i could handle the situation. I was actually coming to covet it. I mean whats not to love about having the bst of both worlds. When i want to I can go out with P till 5 am and gt wasted or hang with the girls all hours of the night and i dont have anyone to answer to. And when im lonely or need to get laid, I have the ex. But only if hes not busy.

This saturday when all this drama happened with "screwy", I really could have used his company. Instead of drinking by myself, watching the Notebook, and being miserable, his company would have really been appreciated.

So i dont know. I like the freedom that being single has to offer i just really wish the kid had a stupid cell phone dammit!! lol


So remember how i was feeling kinda off last night and realllly didnt want to go home alone and hang out? Yeah well the night turned out to completely suck. First, i went to moms to hang out and watch some cable. Of course the ex-hubby was there and thats starting to get weird. I know mom is super nice and seems to like to take care of people and help people out, but it doesnt even seem like hes looking for a job. All he does is go outside and smoke like every 3 minutes, lay around and watch t.v. and listen to music. Whatever. Not my problem but its still kinda weird.

Anyhoo, so I talked to "robbie" but she was with the boytoy so i decided to just head home. Nothing seemed out of place when i got there, but after i got into my jamas and petted the cats, i headed into the kitchen for a beer and noticed that "screwy", thats one of my brothers, had come there sometime that day, ate a whole pizza, made a whole tuna caserole dinner, ate all of it, and left the dishes for me to clean up. So #1, i just paid all of the rent and paid the gas and lights and am now broke, and now have to feed him as well. And #2 i know he did not eat all of that food by himself, which means he came there and had people in my house. He is not on the lease, i let him live there to help him out, on the understanding that he would pay his half of rent, since he has failed to do that, i dont understand how he seems to feel its ok to come in my house and make himself at home. You know what? whatever. the whole situation has got me feeling really bigigedty and i really hate it.

Still havent heard back from the landlord guy about that house but hopefully that'll be soon. With jeffs record im not sure he'll approved anyway. Him and michelle had court this morning for that stupid ticket they got for tresspassing (side note: we stopped @ Wiggies for a quick drink @ 1:45 and they wouldnt serve us so we tried to leave but the cops had pulled up trying to be slick. We didnt want to drive away right then and "milla" couldnt find the keys so they pulled up behind the car and tried as hard as they could to get us for something. Since they couldnt they gave them each $400 tresspassing tickets. tresspassing @ a bar at 2am? The DA dismissed all charges when they went to court today. A waste of time if you ask me) and she asked him where he was staying and he didnt answer but he did say he was hanging out with this kid from australia. Ok? Where does he find these boneheads? But no matter how mad i am at him, i still cant help but worry if hes ok. It got kinda cold last night and i dont want him sleeping on the streets.

Hopefully i hear some good news soon. I could really use some.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The hours seem long

Ok so i know i posted earlier but i felt like saying something else. So ive been feeling like ive been doing better but all of a sudden i was sitting here at work and felt really lonely. I really dont feel like going home and hanging out alone. I usually dont mind that much. I mean hey, i love alone time. I cant watch all the O.C. reruns i want and no one can bitch about my taste in shows. But right now i just really miss him for some reason. Maybe its not even him. Its the thought of going home alone. I texted my best friend "robbie" but of course her boytoy is back from out of town and she wants to get naked as much as possible before he has to leave again. So who am i to mess with that lol? Well theres beer at home. Im sure that'll make me feel better.

Until later.....

Bums and dreams

Well its payday and i am almost broke already. Its a good feeling to know that the bills are paid but i dont even want to think about food and gas for the next few weeks. I stopped at moms this morning so she could give me $ to refill the birth control, since im out and thats never good lol, and i asked her if she had heard from the brother. And i guess he stayed over there on sat night and told her he was going to talk to me. I have no idea about what. I feel horrible about the whole situation but what am i supposed to do about it. The kid should be more responsible and ive really been carrying him long enough. Hes a grown man and im his little sister, he should be the one thats more responsible, not the other way around. I just dont know what to do. U know, im sitting here ragging on him but truthfully we all know theres no way im going to make him live on the street. God, what a sap I am.

On another note, I had the craziest dream last night. Ever since i became single, sleeping alone has taken some getting used to again. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping so i stay up late and watch movies or reruns of the O.C. , one of the best shows ever by the way. Well last night was one of those nights. When i finally did pass out around 2 am, which was stupid since i had to be up by 9 to go pay bills, i had a dream that someone was standing over me and was pulling a blanket over my face to kill me. I have these scary dreams sometimes and its weird because i know in my dream its a dream and i fight to wake myself up. Well this was no different and it was weird because i had just fallen asleep. I knew i was dreaming but it felt so real and i fought to wake myself up, and when i did i stared around the room, like holy crap. It would have been nice to snuggle next to the ex, but of course he wasn't over. Sometimes its nice to have the bed all to myself but last night was not one of them.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


So ive decided to start this blog to tell about my crazy ass life and maybe use this as a therapeutic platform to release some stress. Heres a little background on life so far: Im 24, im recently single, not by choice, and i live in a town i hate. I moved out here to get a place with the BF. Unfortuantely, we both like to drink and get a little out of hand when we do. So he got put on probation and his PO thinks we are bad influences on each other and put a no contact order on us. She even made him be escorted to our house by a sheriff to remove all his stuff. That was a fun day! But to top that off he decided that he did want to be single and be able to do whatever he wanted. We still see each other and unfortuantely we are still in love but i dont think its ever going to be the same. Hes got this friend who's 19 and is in love with him. Hes told her that he just wants to be friends but for some reason the girl wont get it through her head. I of course hate her as she is a little bitch and ive told him i wont get back together with him ever if this girl is in his life. Im trying to rid myself of all of these bad people i have around me and she is a ball of negative energy.

On the home front, my brother had nowhere to live so i let him live on my couch, not knowing that hed still be there 7 months later. Since the lease is almost up and i hate it here, ive applied for a 3 bedroom house with the brother and my girl. Unfortuantely, he didnt give me rent his last paycheck, and he came home this weekend and told me his wallet was stolen with all his rent inside. So now ive had to throw my brother out on the street and have lost a potential roommate for the house that i cant afford without a third roomie.
For 2 years i had straight A's and was on the deans list. With all this stress in the last year, i couldnt finish half of my classes, got put on academic suspension and pretty much dropped out this semester.

So you may ask how im dealing with all this crap? 300mg of wellbutrin a day as well as ritilin for my ADD. and of course, Alcohol. Hence the title Madison Lush. When I turned 14 I became a wild child, drinking with my friends on the weekends, at the bowling alley, even sometimes in the library at school. Vodka and little sunny D bottles, hell ya! 10 years later and im still going strong. Unfortunately your not supposed to mix the meds with alcohol, per doctors orders, but when have i ever listened to doctors? I kicked a dresser drawer and broke my toe and took the stupid boot thing off they give you like two days later. The swelling of the toe hasnt gone down yet and that was over 6 weeks ago so maybe i should listen to the doctor but hey, that boot thing is ugly and makes u walk funny.

So this is just a little blog about me and how crazy and messed up my life is. Enjoy or dont. Doesnt matter to me.