Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Resolutions

So New Years eve is tomorrow and I guess I should start making my resolution list. I don't usually follow the resolutions I set for myself, but I've decided this year needs to be different. 2008 ended up being a really crappy year for me.

Let's recap.

First, my then BF ended up going to jail on his birthday because we had gotten into a fight in the middle of the street. This did not do anything good to strengthen our relationship. Especially when the Bitch came back in the picture and kept trying to break us up.

Because of the fight we had gotten into, the Ex was put on probation and made to move out of the apartment we shared. So on top of being legally required to not have any association with my BF, I'm also stuck with all the rent.

Extreme depression then ensues, forcing me to be highly medicated and take a semester off from school.

Then, after hooking up with the Ex again (unfortunately), I find out that not only is he with the Bitch, they are living together. Even after all the times he told me they were just friends.

Then, I find out my excessive drinking has finally affected my health and not only can't I drink anymore, I can only eat bland food, and I may need surgery.

I think that that is enough incentive to really set some good goals for myself this year and actually follow them.

So here's my list:

1. Lose 20 pounds
2. Lose those pounds the good way by using the membership mom got me for the gym
3. Keep grades at a B average at least
4. Don't rush into any relationship with a man
5. Hook up with the hottest guy in the bar
6. Don't let any man treat me like the Ex... EVER AGAIN
7. Let the past go, or as much as possible, TRY, it's really not doing me any good
8. STOP BEING SUCH AN ADDICT

There.

I think those are really good goals don't you?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Bread crumbs and empty tummies

Three days to go. I am so giddy I can barely concentrate at work. And it's beautiful outside so I'm even more antsy. Can't it be Wednesday already? If I had a super power it would be to travel through time. And read people's thoughts. Definitely.

I have to admit that I have been cheating a little on the no alcohol. I had two beers last night but I was fine afterwards. "Robbie" and K were freaking out, saying that I can't drink, which I find very hypocritical. They smoke and I asked them if one day someone told them that they had to quit cold turkey, how would they feel? And of course, the light dawned behind their eyes and they actually empathized with the way I feel. I know it's for my health but it's so hard to just quit cold turkey. So I'm not.

I have been really good on the whole food thing though. The doctor has put me on a completely bland diet. She says that my pancreas is having trouble breaking down the gases so I need to be on a diet. Which means... no spicy foods, barely any dairy, no olives or oranges or anything with acid in it, no soda, no alcohol (I'm trying i swear), no meats this week but I can eat fish and chicken next week, no seasonings, no high fatty foods, no fried food. So I pretty much can eat... NOTHING.

You know what I ate yesterday? Toast for breakfast, apple sauce for lunch, toast and chicken broth for dinner, and then I ate some eggs a little later. Mmmm mmmm good!

Yeah right!

I'm starving! I did sort of cheat today and had a chicken salad sandwich and I don't even feel bad about it. Well, my stomach did object for awhile afterwards, but I took a Prilosec and I'm good.

You ever want to lose weight? Go on a bland diet! I feel like my stomach is about to cave in and start eating itself. Thank god the Ritalin helps with the cravings. I'm still starving though.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Too much stress for one little person

Stress, Stress, Stress. Drama, Drama, Drama.

I swear, every time I turn around there is drama everywhere. How difficult is it for 6 friends to coordinate a fun weekend to Chicago for New Years? I swear to fricking god. I love my friends to death but sometimes I feel like we're all a bunch of 5Th graders posing as adults.

So C can't go because he doesn't have the money. So of course he doesn't want "kammie" to go and he spews little tidbits in her ear to get her all anxious and suspicious that we're all against her and shit. Seriously tired of this kid.

Even in light of this, up until a couple hours ago she was planning on going, but now she's not. She says she doesn't have the $. Which I understand, I just worry that that's really the reason she's not going.

Me, "kammie" and "robbie" always spend new years together so this year without her is just not going to be the same.

And all of this stress is making my stomach hurt. I AM SERIOUSLY SICK HERE PEOPLE!
I really need them to stop all of this. The hole in my stomach just keeps growing with all of this stress.

I need this trip to have some fun and relax. And all of this bullshit is really putting a damper on my excitement. Like the fact that I may need surgery and can maybe never drink again isn't enough for me to deal with this week, I've got kindergarten duty.

Stupid silver lining

I guess things with dad are getting better, which really helps a lot. He came over yesterday with my christmas present and all I have to say is WOW. He actually listened to me when I told everyone what I wanted. I've been looking for these hats that I like forever and I haven't been able to find them anywhere. He of course found them at the most obvious place; this hat store we have in the mall called Lids, which only sells hats. Duh. I swear, I am the blondest of the blonde sometimes.

Anywho, he got me two hats, some tupperware and some mixing bowls. Which you may think is kind of weird but actually, me and "kammie" don't own a mixing bowl or any tupperware, so that's exactly what I needed. Good job dad.

We went shopping to find a fit for new years and I think I have what I want. The party we are going to is dressy and kind of formal so the girls are all wearing dresses I think, but I really don't want to. I want to be comfortable on new years so I'm wearing pants and a hot top. I hope i'm not the only girl in pants, but even if I am, I really don't care. It's what makes me comfortable.

My health is the only thing that is really putting a damper on the occasion. I know I'm going to have fun anyways, but I really wish I could party like I want to. All I wanted was to start the damn new year off on a good note, and I've got to ring in the new year sick.

I guess I should be looking at the silver lining and thanking my lucky stars it's not worse than it is. But I really don't care about the stupid silver lining right now.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Sicker than a dog

I spoke a little prematurely yesterday with my post and saying everything was A OK. It's far from it. I woke up at 4am with the same pains as last time. I called dad and he took me to the hospital. The pains weren't as bad as last time, thank god, but they were still pretty bad, and very uncomfortable. They did the same thing and hooked me up to an IV, gave me dilaudid,then took me for an ultra sound.

Prognosis is: Gastritis, Cholelithiasis, and Pancreatitis.

Which pretty much means my organs are shot. I can't eat any solid foods today and only bland food for the rest of the week. No meat either. Ugghh. That's just lame. I'm glad to finally know what is wrong with me, even though it's worse than what I had originally thought. I may even have to have my gall bladder taken out soon. I just can not believe that I am having these health problems at 24 because of drinking. It's sort of insane to me.

It still doesn't make me not want to drink ever again. I can't help it. I love to drink. I love the taste of beer, and I just plain old love being drunk. I'm not an alcoholic or anything. I CAN live without alcohol, and I don't need it to get through my day, I just enjoy it so I don't see any reason in not indulging. I guess I just indulged a little too much.

And I just realized that I have been writing about this for awhile and I'm sure it's getting boring, but it's kind of a huge deal. This is going to affect my health for the rest of my life. I feel like someone just smacked me in the face with a dose of reality. And it doesn't feel good.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Holiday cheer.. surprise surprise

Well Merry Christmas and all that jazz. I survived the holidays! Thank fucking god! I knew I could do it. I don't know why I let myself ever believe that any man has the power to bring me down. I'm stronger than that for sure.

So I hope everyone had a happy holiday. Mine was actually OK. I did get a little $ so that makes me not so stressed. Gotta buy the New Years outfit you know. And still got to have $ to live off of until pay day. I can't wait until the day when I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. Actually, my future chosen profession probably won't help that that much, but hey; I'd rather do something I feel passionate about instead of something that bores me to tears just for the extra cash. Wow. What an idealist. Not really but we can pretend huh?

Dad actually showed up and made peace with mom, which goes to show you that some dogs can learn new tricks. I hope it keeps up because I'm really over the whole drama and shit.

I even went out to my grandpa's, who I haven't seen in two years and visited with that side of the family. Don't you love it when you're productive? It makes you feel like you can fuck off for the rest of the day. Well, at least it makes me feel like I can fuck off for the rest of the day.

And on that note.. I'm going to pick up "Louie" and get our drink on. Good night!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The grinch better not steal christmas

Ugh. I have a feeling this is going to be like thanksgiving and it's freaking me out. I don't know why but I'm falling into this funk.

Maybe it's the fact that "Louie" keeps calling me crying her eyes out that her BF can't be there for their sons first Christmas, and her other baby's father will only let her see her daughter for 3 hours on Christmas and I feel horrible for her.

Or maybe it's the fact that I had to go to the eye doctor this morning which is right across the street from where the Ex and the Bitch are staying and the thought of them happy on Christmas makes me want to break someones face.

Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is trying to make up with my dad and he won't budge an inch even though she didn't do anything to him. So tired of his drama. She even bought him a couple gifts as a peace offering and invited him to dinner and he still refused.

Whatever it is, I'm not having a repeat of thanksgiving. That was just sad. Sitting at a bar, alone, getting drunk. Not good.

I just need to shake this off and realize that I have lots to be thankful for and the other stuff is just crap. Crap should be thrown away.

What am I thankful for?

I'm thankful for:

- My beautiful niece
- Good health... sorta
- Family, well at least the good part of my family
- Great best friends
- Doing well in school
- My cats
- Ritilin
- Alcohol
- Edward Cullen
- Vibrators
- New Years Eve

You know, the usual.

... See, there's a lot I have to be thankful for. So bring on the holiday spirit. I'm fricking ready.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Beer conquers all

Good news. I'm not dying. And I don't have to stop drinking. Best fricking news I've gotten all year.

Yes, I have to slow down and make sure I'm taking care of myself, but I don't have to stop drinking all together.

I went to the doctor this morning for a follow-up, and she told me that the night I went to the hospital was pretty much just my bodies way of telling me it's fed up. So no more ibuprofen, or really anything like that. She says, at least for right now, that my stomach needs to heal and any meds like that can just keep it upset. And the best part of all: I can drink, I just have to take some zantac before I go to bed. I swear, there's a pill for everything.

I can't think like that though because that's partly how I got in this situation in the first place. So I'm still going to take it easy on the drinking, but at least I know now that when I do drink, it's OK, I just have to drink responsibly as they say.

Wow! I've turned into an add for an alcohol commercial. Mmmm. I'm thirsty now.

Stupid job.

Monday, December 22, 2008

My baby



OK so I know I've been busting out the pictures lately but I love pictures. And I really really love my niece. This is Rozlyn my brothers baby. Isn't she so adorable? She's only 8 months old and she's already almost walking, and talking. The first picture is of her and my grandma and the second is me and her. We were laughing hysterically at her because she gets so excited and happy and makes the cutest faces, you can't help but laugh.

My grandma's been getting on my case to settle down and have a baby. That's not going to happen anytime in the near future. For one, obviously the lack of any man I would ever want to raise a child with is definitely hindering that plan. Oh, and the fact that I'm just not ready. I want to finish school first. Well, that's not true. If I met the right guy, I probably would have a baby before I finished school, but who knows.

But until then, I have Roz. Who, if I had a kid, I would want her to be my kid. She never crys. Ever. Unless she falls down. And even then, only for a second, and then she's back up. Couldn't ask for a better baby.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I finally did it

Well, I took the final steps and erased the Ex completely out of my life. I was sitting here at work, checking my Myspace, and decided to look at his page. I noticed he had checked his on 12/1 which is funny because he hasn't checked it in months. This means that he has read all the messages I sent him when I hadn't heard from him in forever. Which means he knows how I feel, or at least how I felt at that time, and I still haven't heard from him. He still has me listed as his #1 though and he has it still that he's in a relationship. Which I guess he is, just not with me. You'd think he'd move her to his #1 then.

But it doesn't matter to me. So I've deleted him. There's really no point in keeping him on there. After what he's done to me, it's not like I want to be his friend or anything.

So I've wiped my hands completely. Good for me. Another 2 stars for the day!

Cops and robbers

Do you ever second guess yourself? And you know you're right but then people start asking you stuff and you start thinking you could be wrong even though you know you're right? Friday as I was leaving the house, the maintenance guy was on our stoop salting the sidewalk. I waited until he was done, took out the garbage, came back and grabbed my laundry and locked my door. I was gone all day and "Kammie" was at work, but then I got a call from her around ten saying our back door was wide open. Now, I know for a fact that I locked the damn door. And if I didn't, I definitely shut it. And there's no way the cats opened it. So someone had to have been in our house. Nothing was missing but we're both pretty freaked out.

I called the cops and tried calling the emergency line for my management company, only to receive a call back from some guy swearing at me for waking him up. It wasn't even 11 and isn't that the point in an emergency line? I snapped off on him and told him I was filing a complaint Monday. That's just straight up ridiculous. And to save his ass, he called the cops and told them I had had a break in and he was worried. Bullshit dude.

So the cops came and made a report. And I'm going to my management's office tomorrow and demanding the locks be changed. I don't feel comfortable in my own home now. Last night I slept with a stool under my bedroom door. Not cool.

I don't really have much faith in my management company either. I've been trying to get them to come fix some stuff for over two months. All around completely ridiculous.

I kind of drank a little this weekend but nothing you could call severe. Seriously. I had 1 beer on Thursday and two glasses of wine and a beer last night. I think that overall that's pretty good right? I mean, if you look at how I have been drinking, I'm almost at nun status now. That little amount did get me kind of tipsy though and I headed home and passed out. So I know this probably wouldn't be a big deal to other people but for me it has some significance.

I think that deserves two gold stars for the day!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Puppies!! again...






Aren't they the cutest thing? These are "Robbie's dogs, Mollie and Rea. Rea is the one in pink and she's their new puppy they got after bandit got killed, poor thing. I went over there this morning to let her use my car to go take a test and we got the dogs all bundled up for a walk. Rea even has her toenails painted pink! So fricking cute!


So day four of Sobriety and I have to say it actually feels kind of good. My cousin woke me up at 7:45 wanting a ride to work and I was actually OK to get up and give her one. Weird. I guess I'm going to have lots of time to start working out now. Which is great, because I've been wanting to tone up and lose 20 lbs forever. Now I have even more incentive to do it. I'm nothing if not motivated when I have an actual reason to be.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Monogamy or Myth?

Alright, I know this is two posts today but I was just looking through this site and had to say something about it. We were watching Current TV last night and they had a snippet about this site: www.exboyfriendjewelry.com.

This girl and her mom decided to put it up when she couldn't figure out what to do with all the jewelry her ex-husband had given her. You can buy and sell stuff that was given to you by an ex, and you can even post a little message about why you want to sell it.

So I just checked it out. This is not good. Like I really need more fuel for my already growing cynical views about relationships. One woman wrote how her husband was going back and forth on business trips and she found out that he had a wife and a whole family in a different city. And all of the women posting don't just say that, "oh, things just didn't work out." Every. Single. One. I read states that the man cheated.

Ahhhh!! Why? Is it so impossible to have a fricking relationship with another human being and not sleep around? Am I naive in thinking that this is the way relationships should be? What is the point in being with someone and putting all that time and effort into getting to know them, and moving in with them, and meeting their family, if you're just going to be a sleaze and cheat around behind their backs? Some of these men should be ashamed of themselves.

And don't get me wrong. I know women do this too. I'm not saying they don't. But more often than not, it's the man that cheats.

My therapist says that I've never been exposed to any healthy relationships and so I have no idea that they exist, but that that's what I'm searching for most of all. Really? I could have told her that. I really don't need to pay her to tell me what I already know.

What I will pay her to tell me is, how do you stay optimistic that monogamy is possible when everything around you says different?

I'd be the best Bad Girl

It's really interesting doing things sober that you usually do all the time drunk. Like watching the Bad Girls Club. Which is still hilarious, drunk or not. How could it not be? These girls are crazy!

Boston: "You disrespected my brother! You better say sorry right now! That's not how we do it in Boston!"

The girl she's yelling at is from Compton. Like she cares how you "do it in Boston?"

Then Kayla grabs the kettle off the stove and throws it at Boston.

Classic.

Then Tiffany starts throwing up in the sink.

Best part of the show. Reminds me of my house. (Kammie was throwing up in our sink this morning)

And the Boston girl thinks she's so hard? How come she doesn't know how to make a fist?

Ha Ha. I love this show.

*So Day Three of Sobriety commences.*

I thought it would be harder, but it's not. My health is a lot more important to me than drinking beer everyday. Plus, I don't want to never be able to drink again, or drink for fun stuff like New Years.

So if that means being sober for a couple of weeks, then I'm all for it. It's actually nice waking up without a hangover. I have been having some crazy ass dreams though. I think it has to be the Vicodin. I didn't freak out like the night before, but I did have to fall asleep with the tv on. For some reason, as soon as I turn the lights off, I start falling asleep and then I see all types of crazy things in my head. Is this normal? I don't know. I've never taken Vicodin before. Hopefully, I won't have to take them much anymore. My chest started hurting again last night after work though, and I'm not taking any chances. I absolutely can not afford to miss anymore work. I'm in the process of getting my doctor to sign off on FMLA so if I do have to miss work again for this reason, I'm covered.

Jobs are just way too scarce to be looking for another one right now.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Wake Up CALL

I actually have a lot to post today. First things first, the night before last I was awaken at 4 am by the weirdest feeling in my arm. I lay there for a few minutes and waited for it to go away. When it didn't, I got up and tried taking some Ibuprofen and drinking some Pepto, since the pain had moved to my stomach. The pain only got worse and ended up moving to my back as well. Eventually "Kammie" woke up and came out to see what was wrong with me, and by that time I was pretty much reduced to tears and could barely breathe. She rushed me to the hospital, where they gave me oxygen and some pain meds through an IV, and eventually the pain went down.

I didn't have a heart attack, thank god. That would have been really embarrassing at 24. But as to what happened, they aren't sure. I have to make an appointment to have an ultra sound on my gaul bladder soon. In the meantime, the doctor gave me some pain medicine and some Prilosec OTC. He thinks that it may be an ulcer. I take Ibuprofen almost every day and because of the Ritalin, I don't eat that much, so I've pretty much burned a hole in my stomach. Nice huh?

This experience has really opened my eyes, and I've decided to change my habits a little bit. First things first, I threw away all of the Ibuprofen when I got home. And I've decided to slow down on drinking. I'm 24 and I'm not trying to die or anything, so if my drinking is really that unhealthy that I wake up unable to breathe in the middle of the night, then that shits gotta go. Of course I'm going to celebrate New Years, but not as hard, and definitely no drinking before then.

The bad thing about the meds they gave me is I have a really hard time with pain meds and anything in the opiate family. I get really sick and end up throwing up. Usually they give me something to counteract the nausea but they didn't this time. So I ended up laying on my couch all day yesterday, nauseous and groggy.

When I went to bed, I started having these crazy dreams about guys crawling through my window and killing me, or sneaking in my front door. I know this sounds weird but does anyone else ever have dreams like this? Or end up freaking out when you're home alone? I don't always have this problem, but I've seen too many movies where the main character wakes up and some guys hands over her mouth, or like in Mr. Brooks, Kevin Costner has that nifty little tool he uses to get in the house even though the chain is on the door. See, these things are possible. I live in an ok neighborhood I guess, but hey, I'm a woman and these things do happen.

So last night as I'm laying there all doped up on drugs, I started to get really anxious about this, even more than normal. I couldn't sleep, and "Kammie" was at "Robbie's" house. So I ended up cuddling on the couch with my cat until she came home, and then crawled in bed where I proceeded to have a dream that my brother's character on Grey's Anatomy was going to get killed off, and some killer was going to make it happen in real life. Yeah, no more Vicadin for me.

There's all my bad news.

Even with all this crap, I am so excited for New Years! We have decided we are going to go to Chicago. This party sounds so amazing and I think after the year we've all had, a kick ass party is exactly what we need. "Kammie" has changed her number so C can't call her, and it's been decided he can't come for New Years. We all feel bad for excluding him, but it's sort of his fault. I want to go and have an excellent time, and knowing him, he's just going to be moping about "Kammie" or making her feel uncomfortable, and I'm sorry, but I'm straight on that.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Just a little bit Crazy

I went to my first therapy appointment on Friday. I have some mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I really think this could be good for me. Talking to another person who has experience with some of my issues. Maybe even getting help resolving them so I can move on. I really hope so. But on the other hand, after I left her office, all I wanted to do was get drunk. I hate talking about my dysfunctional family, and my drinking, and how my past BFs treated me like crap and left me, and how the only reason I ever dated these horrible guys in the first place is cause I have abandonment issues and I latch on even when I know it's not good for me. I hate that. It feels like I'm whining and just puts me in a crappy mood. But overall, I guess I'm going to keep going and see what happens. I'll just have to make sure I have beer in the fridge for afterwards.

One thing she kept asking me about was how I feel about guys now and I kind of surprised myself at the lack of emotion I feel. She asked me how I feel right now, and my answer was, "Nothing." And it's true. I feel absolutely nothing. I'm not interested in dating. I'm not interested in a relationship. I'm not even interested in checking out guys at the bar. This is amazing to me because I've always had a really healthy sexual appetite, but now there's nothing. I guess that will go away with time, hopefully, but in the mean time, I'm an icicle.

Anywho, For new years, I was looking up the price of the tickets to the party we want to go to and got a big shock. It's $130 per person, not including a room. But they do have a package, where you get two tickets and a room for $400. So if we all throw down on two rooms and 4 extra tickets, it's only going to be $165 per person. "Robbie" is super siked to go and is even going to skip Christmas presents to pay for it. She's so funny. But hey, I guess we all really want to get out of this town and have a blast. It's a really nice party too, at the Congress Hotel in Chicago. So of course they have a dress code, which sucks, because I really don't feel like being stuck in a dress all night. I was planning on wearing jeans. Dammit. But I guess it's worth it to see DJ Infinity. I was worried that I would be going with all couples and be stuck without anyone to kiss at midnight, but "Kammie's" not bringing C, and we're also bringing Katy and Mitch I think so all in all there will only be two couples there. Things could actually work out.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Taking out the Trash

In light of the holidays and all the good cheer, I've decided to flush everything negative out of my life. And that means the Ex is gone. All thoughts, pictures, videos, and even conversations about him will be expunged from my life. I'm going to start the new year happy.

In doing that, I have some things that I want to get off my chest. Unfortunately, I don't think it's a good idea to call him and tell him. He hasn't even made an attempt to contact me, so he's not even worth it. But I need to say this and then I'm done.

If it wasn't for this blog I don't think I could have gotten through this break-up so well and so fast. I'm definitely not over it obviously, but I am making great attempts to be better and be healthy.

So here goes:

Dear loser,

The only reason I'm writing this is to get these last things off my chest and then I'm done. When we first met, we didn't even have anything in common. I didn't even LIKE you. But then, I got to know you and it was pretty much a booty call. You were the one that wanted to take it to the next level. You were the one that wanted to live together. You were the one that made me get all serious and in love with you, and then you walk away.

It's kind of sad that you go through girls like that. You did the same thing to A, and I guess I should have seen the warning signs then but I was blinded I guess. It's really unfortunate that I still care for you even though you're a lying cheating little bitch. I really do think you and her will be good for each other. You're not very good people and I wouldn't wish either one of you on another human being. So good-bye. I really hope one day you grow up and realize what a piece of shit you are.

Peace Out!

The best girl you're ever gonna know


OK! I think I might change my phone number too. It's such a pain in the butt but obviously he is nothing but trouble for me and I need to stop letting him affect my life like this. So cheers to a fresh start!

I think I will go out and celebrate tonight. Yeah, I can already taste the jaegger bombs! Have a nice night everyone!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stupid Santa

God, it's fricking Christmas again. I'm sorry. I know everyone loves Christmas and the carols and the stupid fricking Christmas music, but seriously, not me. I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. Actually, I was grateful we even had Christmas.

I haven't gone into detail about this but my grandma raised us Jehovah's Witnesses, (this story would take too long so we'll save it for a future post, that basically includes why me and my brothers are completely thrown off of organized religion because of this cult we were forced to go to) but she still let us celebrate holidays and our birthdays. I don't think my dad would have allowed it any other way to tell you the truth.

Back to the point: now that I'm older and have bills, and rent, and a car to maintain, I can never afford to buy anyone a gift anyways so I really don't even care for Christmas anymore.

The girls and I decided to do secret Santa though. That way we won't feel bad about leaving anyone out and we won't have to spend a lot of dough. Truthfully, I'd rather we all just saved our stupid money for new years so we have more cash to spend in Chicago, but hey, I'm a lush and that means more to me than some silly little gift.

Hey, I appreciate the sentiment, but Christmas is about being happy and grateful for what you have right? Well, I'd be happy and grateful with a bottle of vodka, drunk on the streets of Chicago. That's my idea of a good holiday. And after my worst-thanksgiving-ever debacle, I'm definitely going all out for New Years.

Since I have a little extra money this year too thanks to school, I am planning on getting mom and grandma something. Mom has really helped me out so much this year and I think I would be the worst child ever if I didn't get her something to show her how much I appreciate her. See, I think about more than partying and getting wasted.

Or at least that's what I say on the surface.

Mmmmm beerrr.. Is it time to go home from work yet?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Grass is not always greener on the other side

There is a fricking blizzard outside. Not even kidding. We've gotten like 10 inches already and it's still coming down. Ugh. All I have to say though is thank god I got new tires and new brakes last week. It's bad enough the stupid wipers still aren't fixed. You wanna know how ghetto my car is? So we're waiting for the guys to call us back about the part I need, but until then I've just been sticking the wiper thing in the hole it broke out of and 50% of the time it works. The other day though, they got stuck on high and now won't turn off. So now I have to take the stupid fuse out every time I want to turn them off. Ha Ha I know, Ghetto! Oh well, you live with what you got right?

Speaking of living with what you got... You know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side?" Well, whenever I feel low about this stupid break-up and being single again, I think about this saying. And try to remind myself it's not always true.

Case in point: So as you know, Kammie is my roomie. Technically we are both single, but Kammie is sort of seeing C. Their relationship is the weirdest relationship I've ever seen. He's in love with her and I think deep down she does care for him a lot, but he's very clingy and it's pushing her away. When I say clingy I don't just mean calls her every day and wants to hang out kind of thing. I mean, calls her over and over until she finally picks up the phone, wants to hang out with her every single day, gets mad at her if she wants some alone time, and even shows up at our place even when she tells him not to. I know, single white female shit right there.

I feel bad for the guy sometimes because he's so obviously in love with her, but stalking her and making her feel bad is not a healthy way to make someone love you. I get really concerned sometimes about her. But I try to stay out of it as much as possible because, hey, her choice right?

But back to the point. So whenever I start getting sad and lonely and wishing the Ex was there with me, I look at this situation and realize, hey, it could be worse. And obviously, it's not always better to stick with someone, especially in such a bad situation.

So today, the grass is greener on my side of the fence. Even with the damn windshield wipers!

Monday, December 8, 2008

The bad news bear

I have a little bit of bad news. I'm dying!

Sike! Well I hope not at least. I started to have really bad stomach problems on Saturday. I didn't think anything of it until yesterday. The pain started to get worse all day and then, (this is kind of gross) but i started crapping black. I've looked it up on Webmd and I think I have an ulcer. I tried to go to the emergency room last night after work but they were really busy and I was tired so I just went home.

I don't know. If it continues I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. I really hope I don't have anything wrong with me. Ulcers can be caused by alcohol I guess. An ulcer at 24. Cool.

If there is something wrong with me, I'm going to use this as a wake up call and slow the hell down. I have moments where I love being alone and spending time with myself, but more times than not, the loneliness is too much so I'm always on the go. Trying to find something to do to keep myself busy.

Time to direct my energies elsewhere I think. Mom got me a membership to the Princeton Club so as soon as I get a lock, I'm gonna start going hopefully a couple of days a week after work. I think I need to work off all this sadness and aggression I have pent up about the Ex. Might be kind of therapeutic to kick the shit out of a dummy or something.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

My new tattoo


So I finally got my tattoo finished last night. I wanted to do the shading pink but pink fades so I went with two different blues. I love it but man did it hurt. NEVER get a tattoo on the top of your foot. There's no fat, at least there isn't on my feet, and I was practically in tears when they went over the bone. Next tat is definitely going on a part of my body that has some meat on it.

Still haven't heard anything from the Ex but I guess that says it all. I still have mixed feelings about this whole thing. On one hand I still love him and want to see him, but then on the other hand I get all mad at myself and can't believe I would even talk to him again. He's a cheater and a liar and I can do so much better than that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Truthfully, I think I only still want him for the sex. Which was always A-FUCKING-MAZING if I do say so myself. But I MUST BE STRONG. He does not deserve me and it's so degrading even lowering myself to this situation.

On another note, I am losing weight at an alarming rate. I can't eat anything. Nothing tastes good anymore and I'll eat a few bites of something and be completely full. It's great to lose weight and the Ritalin really is helping with my ADD but I really think I need to get some vitamins or something. This is not healthy. I haven't had a glass of milk in like a month and I used to drink milk all the time. Not good.

And I need to start getting some more sleep. I didn't sleep for like 3 days and when I finally took some sleeping pills, I still only slept 6 hours and 4 hours last night. Insomnia is a bitch.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Guilty Pleasures

I usually don't like these stupid shows on TV like Rock of Love, or Paris Hilton's my new BFF. I've watched a couple episodes and I always feel like my I.Q. drops a few points afterwards.

I love the Bad Girls Club though. That show is so funny. The premiere for this season was on the night before last and I DVR'd it. Me and "kammie" watched it that night and me and "Louie" watched it again last night before we went out to the bar.

There's this girl on there and every other sentence out of her mouth is, "that's how we roll in Boston," "that's how we do it in Boston." OMG!

Is she serious? Who the hell cares?

That girl had us rolling around on the floor. More power to her for loving her city but come on!

And the ghetto one, Kayla. Wow! That girl has some major anger issues. I got so tired of watching them get thrown out of every club they went to. Simmer down child. Seriously!

Even though these girls seem to be mentally disabled I'm still going to watch this show this season.

Got to have at least one guilty pleasure. And alcohol doesn't count. That's just a given.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

That's the truth

A question that was asked in my previous post: "who ended the relationship between you and Ex? Because if he ended it with you and started dating this girl who so obviously was trying to get with him the whole time he was with you, then that's pretty messed up?"

I just wanted to clear this up a little because obviously the situation is way messed up. He had gotten into some trouble and his PO decided she didn't want him living with me and we shouldn't have contact for awhile.

Things from there just disintegrated. I think he blamed me a little for his situation and low and behold, there she is to lick his wounds.

She's like a cockroach. You can't get rid of her, she just keeps coming back.

And now, he's all confused because, oops things with her aren't working out either.

As I've said, I love him. Don't always know why but there you go. But seriously, it's like when things get rough, he doesn't know how to stick. Like I've said, he really has a lot of growing up to do. Things aren't always easy and this is one of the reasons I was so hurt after things ended between us. Even though it wasn't always easy, and he hurt me unbelievably, I was always there and willing to make things work, because I really felt like if we both put forth the effort, we could.

But even if he wants to get back together now, I really don't think I have anything left. And that's just plain old sad.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Unwelcome drama

Well, I finally was able to get the truth about the situation with the Ex last night. Now, as this is my blog, and I am using this to be completely honest, I will share this even though I'm not exactly proud of everything I've done.

That being said, here goes. So last night the Ex called me and wanted to hang out. He said his car didn't have any gas and he wanted me to pick him up. Now, I'm not stupid so of course red flags were going up here right away. But I picked him up anyways because I knew we needed to talk.

He was very quiet and I knew he was upset about something, but I just kept quiet and waited for him to tell me himself. He ended up not needing to though because my phone rang, bringing me lots of news.

The call came up private, and when I said hello no one said anything back. I looked at the Ex across the couch and just knew this had to be about him. So I said into the phone, I don't know who this is but yes the Ex is here and hung up.

A few minutes later it rang again private but this time she decided to talk. It turned out to be the girl I can't stand, that he claimed he was just friends with while we were dating and who he had had a previous relationship with years before. We'll call her L. When me and him were ending things, he started spending a lot of time with this girl. He told me that he knew she was in love with him but he had been very clear that he just wanted to be friends and that he still loved me. Again with the not stupid, but what could I do? It wasn't like we were together or anything.

So during this call she proceeded to tell me that they have been dating for a little while and that he was sort of staying with her at her place. Also, the car that he has, is in her name.

After my initial shock, which wasn't very large I must admit because I was pretty sure his silence had something to do with something like this. I decided to tell her that no, I was not aware of this and that she should know he had come over the week before and we hooked up, and he was there right now. I did tell her though that I was mad at him for lying to me but I did not feel bad about it on her end. She has done this same thing to me as well as to other women and as far as I'm concerned it's about time she got a little taste of her own medicine. Then I hung up.

Okay, then the conversation with the Ex. At first he thought I was going to yell but I was very proud of myself for keeping calm and having a adult conversation about this. He did admit that after I stopped calling, he did decide to try a relationship with her again. Which if you think about it, I can not be mad about as he was single and had every right to date whoever he wanted and obviously things with us were far from perfect. I can't get mad at him for trying to be happy with someone else. But of course I can be mad that he lied to me about it.

So then he says that all of a sudden I called him and he had been thinking about me all the time so he came over to talk. He says he wasn't prepared for everything with us to actually be good and he was really surprised at how happy I was to see him. I guess things between them are not good and all they do is argue. So things progressed from there. Of course, he should have been honest with me in the first place and told me the truth. But this is how our relationship has always been. He would think that I'd get mad about something so instead of trusting me, he would lie. Definitely one of the reasons it never worked out with us.

So all in all this is where things lie. She is now aware of his infidelity and as to where they go from here, I don't know. I did ask him and he said he wasn't sure. He told her in the beginning that he'd try dating her again but if it didn't work out then he was done.

One thing I tried to make perfectly clear to him is that I can never trust him. Yes, I'm mad that he lied to me. Yes, I'm mad he used me to cheat on someone else and make me the OTHER WOMAN. But of course yes I still love him. I always will. But as they say, once a cheater always a cheater.

Now, I do feel a little bad because I have never knowingly hooked up with a guy who had a girlfriend, and it really bothers me that i'm now in that category. But then there's a part of me that does not feel bad at all. When me and him were together, this girl tried as hard as she could to get with him, not caring how I would feel. When I did confront her about this before, all she had to say to me was "too bad, you're stupid if you think he won't cheat on you with me." I know she's 19 and very immature but I couldn't help but think how sad and ignorant this girl is. And what a disgrace to women everywhere. If she thinks it's funny to steal another girl's man, then I really hope she's getting a rude awakening right now. It does not feel good to be cheated on and you should never, no matter if you like a person or not, wish such a horrible thing on someone. Even though I didn't know he had a girlfriend, and I really really dislike this girl, apart of me feels bad for her.

A very small, itsy bitsy part that is.

So where do I go from here? You know what? Nowhere. I am not going to dwell on this. I really do feel it's really sad though that as the victims in this story, there has to be such animosity between her and me instead of with him, but I guess that's just how some women are.

And as to him and me, as I said I'll never trust him again so of course getting back together is completely out of the question, but you know what? That's OK with me. The gloves have finally come off and I'm OK with that.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Frustration

When I woke up this morning I was not aware that today would completely suck. First off, I talked to the Ex yesterday morning and asked if he wanted to hang out last night. He was sort of vague, which was OK but i asked him if he would at least call me to let me know either way. I never got a call.

Then this morning I woke up and realized I could not get my windshield wipers off. (Side note: I broke the wiper thing off awhile ago and have been waiting on the part to get it fixed.) Never, ever, do this to your car. It's the most annoying thing in the world. So I drove to work with my wipers on, with no snow or rain. What a dork!

Then, I called my pharmacy to see if my prescription was ready and was advised it was. Only to get there and find out it wasn't. The girl actually had the nerve to tell me that she didn't have time to check on it! Then she shouldn't have said it was ready.

So, I came into work in a funk. Which is not good since I'm in customer service. Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts!

I'm just plain old frustrated with the Ex and myself I guess. I'm sort of regretting calling him in the first place. I think we definitely need to have a talk because I really need to know what the point is in him calling me in the first place if he's just going to be a prick and blow me off anyway.

It really does not make any sense. He really makes no sense. Maybe he does to any guys reading this, but he sure doesn't to me. He says he loves me and misses hanging with me, but I really can't believe that because if he did he would call more and want to see me.

It's like he's playing games with me so he holds the power or something and I hate that. I hate when people play games. What is the point? Just say what you mean!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Stupid thanksgiving

I am usually siked about Thanksgiving every year, but this year turned out to be really disappointing. First, I text the Ex Wednesday night to say Happy Thanksgiving and I still haven't heard anything from him. What a fucking dick! I never should have called him in the first place. He says one thing and completely does another. I'm tired of his bullshit.

Then, dinner was completely weird because I haven't talked to my dad in a couple of weeks after he said some dumb stuff about my brother that is just plain hypocritical of him and really made me mad, as well as my mom. So he sat in the kitchen during dinner and separated himself from everyone. It was just weird.

Then I wanted to go out so I didn't end up at home, sad about this being my first thanksgiving without the Ex, and my sister in law bailed at the last minute and I ended up at a bar, alone.

So definitely not a Thanksgiving to remember. Tonight I'm supposed to be going out for my friend's little sisters 21st birthday, and I just feel like crap. Seriously. All I want to do is get some soup, rent some movies, get in my PJ's, and veg out. And the only thing that would make this night even more perfect is if the Ex called and he came and vegged with me. Too bad that's just a fantasy that will never happen. Loser!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Twilight... Finally

Well I finally saw Twilight last night and I'm going to be as truthful about what I thought as possible.

I went to the movie with "Robbie," Katy, and "Micky." It was really fun to go to a movie with all the girls. The last movie I saw in the theater was Sex and the City with "Robbie," which was weird because i think that's the first movie we've ever gone to together and we've been friends forever.

"Robbie" and I have both read the book, but the other two hadn't. It was interesting to see each of our reactions to the movie.

In the beginning, I was not really impressed and "Robbie" and I found ourselves laughing at some of the more cheesier moments, and the not so stellar acting.

But as the movie progressed, I found myself really getting into it. Or rather, after I stopped comparing everything to the book and let myself just enjoy, then I found I really liked it.

I do hope they do a better job on the next films, but overall I'm glad I saw it. The other two really liked it and I was really surprised by that. Especially since they hadn't read the books, certain parts were sort of slow and were really only funny if you had read the book. But they were both loving it and couldn't say enough good things about it.

Now as to the actors. I feel sort of bad for Robert Pattinson. He had a lot to live up to. Do I think he succeeded? Definitely no. But if you think about it, there really isn't anyone that could completely portray Edward in real life the way I have him envisioned in my mind. I thought his hair was silly and unnecessary. But after my initial dislike of him, I started to see the story come together and Kristen and Robert do look good together. Katy said the way I talked about him, she thought he'd have rays of sunlight shooting out of his ass or something! I guess my expectations were just a tad bit high.

I loved Bella, and I think she did an excellent job.

As to the Cullen family, I didn't like how Carlisle had such blonde hair and was super pasty. It looked weird. Emmett was fricking HOT and we all agreed on that. LOVED LOVED LOVED him. I thought Rosalie should have had dark hair but she was still beautiful. Did anyone else hate the pants they had her in, with the fade in the back? Those pants looked like they were from the 80s. I thought Alice looked too old. I had pictured her with a more younger face, but overall she was ok. Jasper looked constipated, but I suppose they were trying to make it look like Bella's presence bothered him. But it was still weird. Esme was very pretty but I kept seeing her as Ava from Grey's Anatomy. Sort of ruined the effect but overall she was cute.

I thought they did a good job with Jessica. She really was exactly what I thought she'd be like. But not Angela. I pictured her with blonde hair.

I can see where people could be critical of this movie. When you read the book, you have this preconceived notion in your mind of the way things should be. And then you see the movie, and things are completely different. It's very hard to not be so critical. Katy actually said something to me last night that made a lot of sense. I asked her if she was going to read the books now and she said no. She is going to watch all the movies as they come out first, and then she'll read the books. I thought this was really backwards until she explained to me that that way she can go into each movie without having those preconceived notions in her head, and then she'll enjoy the movie more.

It makes sense but after seeing the movie, i'd be too impatient to find out what happens. So overall though, I really liked it and am definitely looking forward to the next one.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Puppies!!!




"Robbie" and K went to Eau Claire and got a new puppy last night. She is so cute. For now, we named her Scarlet but K doesn't really like the name so i'm sure they'll change it. Isn't she adorable? She's such a little sweetie. They are still really upset over losing Bandit but they wanted to bring another dog in to maybe ease the pain a little. The other animals they have are really depressed by losing him, so hopefully Scarlet can lift everyones spirits.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

One step forward, four steps back

OK so a lot has happened in the last couple of days. First, me and Robbie had planned to go see Twilight Friday night but just as I was getting off of work, she called me crying hysterically. She had opened the door to go outside and her dog got by her and ran right in the road after a rabbit, and was hit by a car. She said it was horrible. He went flying and the car just kept going. On the way to the hospital, he died in her arms. They're both just completely devastated. I already had the tickets to the movie so I went there and sold them to someone since the tickets are non-refundable, and we ended up just hanging out. I feel so bad for her. She is so upset and feels like it's all her fault that she didn't catch him. Not like she could have, that dog was super fast. So kind of a bad start to the weekend.

Last night, the Ex did call me as he said he would and he ended up coming over for a bit. It was like the last two months never happened. All the feelings are still there on both sides. It's still super complicated and we both agree that we're not ready to get back together, but there is that possibility for the future. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I will never take him back until I'm sure he's ready for a commitment and he's not going to hurt me like that again. "Louie" is very skeptical about the whole thing and thinks I shouldn't trust him. Well of course!!! There is no way I trust him right now.

I'm actually glad we had this break from each other these last few months. For one, it's given me a lot of perspective. I am fully aware of how he affects me and how unhealthy it is for me to put all my love and trust into him. He's like my kryptonite. When he's around me, all logic just disappears and all I can think about is him.

He had to leave early last night and give a guy he worked with a ride home. So he came back this morning before I had to go to work and we ended up snuggling and then of course the inevitable happened and we had sex. Afterwards, as we're laying there, he said he really hates it that when we had each other we took each other for granted and were so mean to each other. And I know exactly how he feels. He was telling me he was unhappy and I just didn't listen to him. And now i lost him. No, it's not all my fault. We both made mistakes, I just hope we can move on from here.

He did get a little weird after and made sure to let me know that this does not mean we're back together. I got kind of mad, because who does he think he is? Really? That comment was really unnecessary. I have a life too and there is no way that I'm letting him mess up my Independence again. I don't want to be in a relationship right now anyway. I just miss him and know I need him in my life, no matter how much that is.

I asked him if he thought it was a mistake that I called him and he said no, but he was just being cautious. Red flags are going up everywhere right now. I kind of wish I never called him because now I'm back at square one. Why do I have to be in love with a child? Seriously. And I tried to not be in love with him, and I tried to not have him in my life. But it's just a losing battle. When he first walked in, everything just disappeared and there was only him. I am such a goner!!!! And it makes me so sad. I Know I deserve a guy who appreciates me and loves me to the fullest extent, and I know he's capable of that, just not right now. We're both just not ready and have a lot to work on.

I am trying to be optimistic and just go with the flow. It's hard but I'm not really in any hurry. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't. I just hope I don't end up getting hurt, but with him it seems inevitable.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Silly boy- tricks are for kids

I woke up in bed this morning, naked, and hungover. I was naked because I was too drunk to put on my pj's when I stumbled into bed at 1am, and I was hungover because me and "Kammie" decided to down a bottle of vodka after work last night.

It's great having a roommate who likes to drink as much as me. Seriously. Very great for my health.

I got some really unfortunate news the minute I woke up though. My brother, who if I haven't mentioned this before, has serious issues, got arrested for a DUI last night. Again. He's not even a drinker, I don't understand how he finds himself in these situations. And right before thanksgiving!

He's like a 5 year old we have to babysit all the time to keep him out of trouble. I love him of course. He's my brother. But I don't understand him. I'm just glad he's OK and didn't get in an accident. I don't know why he was driving in the first place. Hello!

Alcohol + you = sitting your ass at home

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Maybe a little hopeful

I called him at work at lunch and it was so weird. I had all of these butterflies in my stomach and didn't know what to say. He sounded the same though and it really did feel great to finally hear his voice.

Ex: Hi, I see you called last night
Lush: no I text
Ex: same thing, how have you been? I'm glad you called, what's up?
Lush: I don't know, I don't know what to say I guess I just miss you
Ex: I miss you too, I think about you all the time you know
Lush: ya, me too, I can't not talk to you anymore, it's too hard
Ex: can we get together for a bit and talk, maybe sat night?
Lush: ya i guess, you don't have anytime tonight?
Ex: no, I'm pretty busy
Lush: so are you actually going to call me or am I going to hear from you in three weeks again?
Ex: I have to work until 5 but i will call you after
Lush: OK, talk to you then

So we'll see if I actually hear from him. I'm not going to hold my breath or anything but I'm glad I called him, even if he doesn't call. It sounds like he was happy to hear from me though. I'm not hopeful anything will come from this. I just know it's time we talked and figured things out and go from there. Even if it's not towards each other.

He said get together and talk but I'm sure there will be more than that. It's just the way we are together. There's so much chemistry we can't keep our hands to ourselves. Well, even if we don't work anything out, maybe I'll at least end my drought for a little while.

Stuck

Well, I did it. I finally caved in and texted the Ex last night. I was just a little drunk and more than a little sad and I am just tired of not talking to him. Even just to tell him how I feel. The last time we talked was September 23, yes I know the date, and we said we loved each other and goodnight and that's the last conversation we've had. Then he disappeared for three weeks and broke my heart all over again. Since then he's called me a couple of times but i've refused to answer, so really we haven't talked about things at all.

I got to work this morning and he called and left a message saying he'd seen I texted and he'd be at work all day and to give him a call. "Louie" doesn't think I should call him but i'm going to. I'm tired of running from him and avoiding everything. Im not ready to hear that he's moved on or anything and im going to tell him that if we talk to keep that kind of stuff to himself. I'm just not ready. But I think it's time at least we talked about things. If even to clear things up and end it. And who knows, maybe we'll talk and I'll look at him and realize im completely over him. If that's the case then, GREAT!! Then I can move on.

But I was thinking about things last night and came to the realization that i'm never going to be able to move on if things with the Ex are left hanging. I'm always going to wonder and think about him and I can't live like that.

So stay tuned.....

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Scaredy Cat

OK, so Friday night I was sitting at home waiting for "Robbie" and K to get done with dinner. I got bored so I told R he could stop over. I'm not sure what his intentions are but at one point I went to get a beer and he cornered me in the kitchen, tried to kiss me up against the wall. I played it off like, WTF, but it still weirded me out. Then "Robbie" and K came over and R was all over me like white on rice. Hmmmm. We were leaving so he left but made me promise to call him later. I didn't and of course he ended up calling me. I don't know what the deal there is. He's probably just looking to score and I'm just not interested in that right now. The only person I'm even attracted to in that way is the Ex and it would obviously be bad for my health to go down that route.

I'm sure it's just going to take some time before I am interested in anyone again. Or maybe it's just that there isn't anyone around me right now who is interesting. When I first met the Ex, i actually did not care for him at all. We had nothing in common and he was the total opposite from me. After seeing him around a lot though, there was obviously some sexual tension that we could not deny. There is no sexual tension between me and R, at least not on my side. Maybe if I spent some more time with him, instead of shying away from everyone who asks me out, then it would just come. But I feel like it's being forced.

After my last experiences, I don't see anything wrong with being picky. And to try to raise my standards and take my time. I really don't think I can put myself out there again and be hurt this bad. It's really not worth it. I like myself too much for that.

Im shrinking

I went to the doctor on Friday and he doubled my Ritalin. At first it made me kind of loopy but now it might be too much. I'm not sure. I started feeling really dizzy at work yesterday and I couldn't figure out why. I went home, ate some soup and a grilled cheese, watched Gossip Girl, took some sleeping pills and then went to bed. I feel better today though so maybe it was just a fluke. But what a weird feeling. It felt like waves and waves of dizziness. Hopefully it doesn't come back.

I got some other good news at the doctor. He always weighs me to make sure I'm not losing too much weight with the meds. And I've lost 14 pounds in the last two months!!! It's not all from the medication though. Yes, the meds do make me less hungry, so I eat less, but I've also started eating healthier too. And it helps that I don't have a boyfriend to make dinner for every night either. "Robbie's" boy toy just bought her this awesome weight set and we've made a plan to actually start using it. I sit down all day at work so I don't get much exercise and I always feel so lazy. I just want to get back in shape.

Had some other stuff happen this weekend, especially with R but I'll write about that when I'm not at work. And no, I didn't get any.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Looking back

When I decided to stop talking to the Ex, I moved all pictures of him and us from my sight so I wasn't constantly running into his face. We really don't have any friends that are the same either, so it's highly unlikely I'll run into him in person. I thought I had all my bases covered, except for maybe running into him at Wal-mart or something, but I was wrong. I was on Myspace and I realized I had uploaded some videos I had forgotten about. One of them is a video of us messing around and being silly. I'm holding the camera and talking to him while he's blowing bubbles at me and telling me he loves me, looking all perfect and smiling at me with that perfect smile of his that always made me melt. Talking to each other in that nauseating couple talk.

I almost started crying right then and there at work after I had seen that. Truthfully, it's not like I WANT to get back together with him. He broke my heart after I had already gotten out of a bad relationship before him, and he's completely lost all my trust. But just watching that video where we're all happy and in love was almost too much for me to bear. It just mad me so sad remembering what COULD have been.

You can't change the past I know that, but it doesn't mean you can't wish things had gone differently. As long as I live I will always regret that things with him didn't work out. It wasn't the right time for him though as he's young. I understand this but it's still sad to have the past shoved in your face.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Bubble Girl

I woke up this morning and it's still raining. I love to lay in bed with the window open and just listen to the rain come down outside. I was supposed to be up early because I had finally made an appointment to have a doctor look at my broken toe, but because of the rain I ended up rescheduling and staying in bed longer. This was especially counter-productive because I really need to have someone look at this dumb toe.

I broke it in July and it's still broken. It really doesn't bother me that much except it won't bend and if I hit it wrong it hurts like a biatch! And people are always running into it. There really isn't anything they can do though except re-break it and hope it sets right this time. It's not like that bothers me but i really don't feel like wearing some stupid boot or splint for the next 6-8 weeks.

It was so funny when I got my tattoo, I made him put it on the same foot as my broken toe because I might as well have one good foot right? But he was all shocked that I'd been walking around with it broken for so long and even more that I was going to get a tattoo on my hurt foot. I was a little embarrassed as I hadn't had a pedicure in 6 months because I can't bear to touch my toe. And I was going to put the tat on my back so i didn't remember to shave my legs, but oh well. It wasn't like I was there to get a date or anything.

I'm going to be 80 with this weird crooked toe or something. I better go to the doctor huh? Actually, I wish I had my own doctor on hand all the time the way I get hurt. Seriously, I am the biggest klutz. Here are some examples:

* When I was 7 I was wrestling with my brother and he flipped me over and landed on my wrist which was so small it snapped. I was immediately in shock and freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.

* In elementary school I fell down the stairs and fell off the playground, twice; all three times I had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.

* When I was 16 I dove into a 4' indoor pool and hit my face on the bottom. I had a broken nose, two black eyes, a gash in my head and numerous cuts along my face. Really, I'm lucky I didn't break my neck, and yes I was drunk. Instead of going right to the emergency room, I continued to drink and finally went to the emergency room 38 hours after it happened. I had a concussion as well I found out and was told off by the doctor for not coming in sooner.

* On my 19Th birthday, my golden birthday, I was running in sandals, fell on some gravel and broke my foot. I wasn't aware that I broke my foot though because I got right up and hobbled into the party. "Robbie" came up to me later as I was sitting next to the keg and noticed my leg was bleeding, and when she got a rag to clean it up she noticed that my foot was swollen and broken. It's amazing how a mixture of shock and alcohol really numbs pain isn't it?

And there are a lot more examples, including all the times I've fallen off bar stools, tripped over my own feet, or just developed some pain or injury by unknown means. Maybe I should get one of those protective balls like in Bubble Boy and just be a big bubble.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Simmering Down

Overall I consider myself a pretty nice person. Sometimes I'm even too nice and I find that people tend to take advantage. Well, I wasn't feeling very nice last night. I stopped at mom's after work to pick up a microwave since mine had just decided to stop working while I was in the middle of warming up soup. Then I headed home and watched Gossip Girl and had a couple beers. "Robbie" called and wanted me to come proofread her marketing presentation, so I grabbed the bottle of gin in the freezer and headed over there. Hey, we needed a little celebration!

I didn't stay too long, but by the time I left I was feeling kind of tipsy. Me + tipsy = bad thoughts! I started thinking about the Ex and started getting PISSED OFF!!! I guess there's always stages you go through after a break up, and yes, I've already visited the RAGE stage, but sometimes I go back there, especially when I'm drunk and at home alone. I even devised a plan to call him and say I wanted to see him, get together and mess with him a little, and then just disappear later.

Yes, there are holes in this plan and it was devised in a drunken state, and yes I realized this when I woke up and remembered what was going through my head. But don't you ever just sit there and imagine ways to make that person feel just as crappy as you do?

I know it's not really a healthy thought, and like I said, I'm usually a really nice person so I feel bad about wishing pain on someone. But heartbreak doesn't really take into affect you're nice personality.

I mean, I know that if I called him tomorrow, he would be more than willing to see me and hang out. I was the one who stopped answering the phone. But I just couldn't take it anymore. After he moved out, it was like sporadic calls whenever he FELT like it. And I'm sorry but I am better than that. I fought for us for so long and I really just don't have anything left.

So good for me for not calling him today and trying to put forth some diabolical plan. I'll just save that for inside my head I guess. Crises passed.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Loving this


Is anyone else loving this show as much as me? I am always a little skeptical when TV shows or movies are created based on books, especially my favorite books. Case in point:
The Women's Murder Club, based on the books by James Patterson. Very Disappointed! I don't even watch it.
Harry Potter movies: They are OK and of course I love them, but the books are so much better and have so much more for the imagination.
Twilight: I obviously can't comment on this as it has not come out yet, but I already have a few reservations. The only person I can picture as hot enough to play Edward is either Brad Pitt or David Beckham and both of them are too old. But we'll see how it turns out.
But I really don't have any criticisms about True Blood at all. There are some things that are different, but overall I love this show. The only thing I really hate is the guy who plays Eric Northman. He's NOT hot enough. I love Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette though. He makes you get all hot even though you know he's gay. Too bad there's only two episodes left. I really love this show. I've even converted "Louie" and she's never even read the Sookie Stackhouse books.
** I was going to do a post today about my niece and show you some pictures, because I swear she has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen on a baby but I thought I'd ask her mother if she minds first. She is only 8 months old so I should probably get permission before I put pictures of her on the Internet huh? So hold that thought....

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Damn that hurt

It seems like I haven't posted anything in days but there has been so much stuff going on, it's getting hard to keep up. Of course I've been celebrating Obama winning, which is the best thing I think to happen this year. Not for my liver though as we've been partying it up almost every day since. Nothing too unusual but me and "louie" did kind of take it over the top last night. We polished off a bottle of vodka, a twelve pack and even opened up a bottle of rum. I don't even feel that hungover today which is kind of surprising, but hey, I'm not complaining.

I finally went and got my tattoo I've been waiting forever for. I know people told me it was going to hurt but i seriously did not think it was going to be that bad. I was SO wrong! At first I wanted to get it on the back of my neck but he told me it would hurt a lot so I decided to go for my foot, which was not that much better. Now, I am a klutz! I am still walking around with a broken toe from July. Everyone says I should go and have them re-break it but I haven't had the time, so I've been walking around with it broken for months. No big deal. I'm used to pain so I didn't think this was going to be a big problem. But this was a whole different kind of pain and it sucked!! I couldn't even let him do the shading because by the time he got the outline done I was almost screaming.

I know, I know, what a fricking baby I am. But as soon as it heals a little I'm going to suck it up and go back and get if finished. Definitely by next weekend. I really think I should have picked a better place to put it for my first tattoo. There's no fat on my feet at all so it felt like there was a knife carving into my bone. I really don't see how people get tattoos all over their bodies. I'm glad to be part of the tattoo club but I really wish it didn't have to hurt so damn much.

Some other stuff that's been going on:

- My brother is being a huge loser again and running around doing god knows what! I swear he needs to be on medication. He does so good for awhile and then he just completely goes awol! I worry about him a lot but he's a grown man and I can't baby him.

-I feel really bad about it but I've decided to stop talking to "milla." We had recently became friends and I feel like I've been so nice to her; introducing her to my friends, hanging out and partying, giving her advice and holding her hand when she cry's about her ex. But some shady stuff happened the other night and it really hurt me and I can not have people in my life who are going to do stuff like that to me. I just don't need it. Oh well, I guess I have enough friends anyway.

-Speaking of friends, there's a lot of tension with my two best friends, "Kammie" and "Robbie." Ever since me and "Robbie" moved in together, "Robbie" has been really jealous and has started to feel left out. I've been trying to remedy the situation and make her feel better but it's not that easy. We used to always chill at her house all the time but her BF has been complaining about it a lot lately so now we chill at our place. She knows she's welcome to come over but then he complains about that too. I am so sick of these controlling men. She is a grown woman and should be able to go wherever she likes. It's just a really weird situation that I'm over already. Can't we all just get along??? lol.

-I got accepted into school (i transferred because i couldn't stand my school any longer) and I start on the 17Th!! I'm super excited about it and i can't wait for my check to get here. I really need to get a new computer and do some repairs on my car. It's falling apart around me.

-I still haven't heard from the Ex but someone did call me private today but they didn't leave a message. Sometimes I want to call him so bad, but then I stop myself. I really can not handle it if he tells me he's dating someone else. I really don't want to know. Oh well, I'm only gonna heal with time, and that's what i just keep telling myself. One day at a time, like an alcoholic.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Get up and do the damn thing

Yeah!!! I voted for Obama!!!! I really hope he wins because god damn. If Mccain wins and then people sit around for another 4 years and complain about the economy and how horrible everything has become, Im going to fricking scream. You shouldn't have voted for Bush then; not once but twice.

It's like the old saying, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." So stop bitching and VOTE FOR CHANGE!!!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The party dont stop till 6 in the morning

I haven't posted in a couple of days because it's been a really hectic weekend. First, it started with "Louie's" bday on Thursday night and then recovery all day Friday. We actually had a blast and I'm really glad she found a babysitter and was able to come out.

We were planning on going to Stripper night at Club 5, our local gay club, but we didn't make it there until midnight and missed the whole show. Oh well, it happens every Thursday. I'm sure we'll make it there again. Before we went there, we went to the Nitty Gritty, which is considered the "birthday bar." They give you free beer all day on your birthday; it's great!

We ran into a bunch of people we know, including an old friend of ours... we'll call him "M." I've been friends with him almost ten years and have had a crush on him for a long time. We did have sex once but we were both so messed up that I don't even think he remembers it, and from what I remember, it was not very good. But he was flirting with me hella, so I decided to go along with it. Hey, he's cute, and who says we can't do better next time?

But all we ended up doing was kissing a bit, in which "Louie" took it upon her self to get on tape! Lovely. I wonder if the Ex is going to see that on Myspace. Hmmmm.... Would kind of serve him right. Harsh, but true.

I ended up drinking too much, of course, and spent Friday on my couch recuperating. It didn't hold me back long though, and me and "Louie" were back at it again yesterday afternoon, drinking at Hawk's on State St. We met these boys who were really forward. One of them was pretty interested in "Louie." He seemed really cocky and sure of himself though. He eve asked me if I thought she could, "handle" his big dick! After he said that, we pretty much blew them off and got out of there. Losers!

Why do guys think it's OK to say shit like that? PUH-LEASE! Not cute, at all!!!

We ended up the night going out with my brother and his fiancee, and "Louie's" baby daddy. That is weird in itself, because me and him have not always gotten along. I played nice though and even made an attempt to tell him to stop hating me because I don't have anything to do with their relationship and to stop trying to blame their problems on me. So yeah me for being an adult!!!

I didn't get to bed until about 4, or technically 3 after daylight savings time, and I had to get up and come to work this morning. So early to bed for me tonight I think. After Trueblood that is.

*********

OMG!!!! So I just got a text from "Louie" after I got done writing this post, telling me she got a text from that guy from the bar yesterday. The one I refer to earlier about asking me if my friend could "handle" him. I guess she gave him her number before we found out what a loser he is. He texted her a couple of times last night, but she must have told him off or something because then he asked her for my number and told her he had "obviously talked to the wrong friend in the first place."

BOGUS!!!! She didn't give him my number thank god, but I just can not believe this asshole! I kind of want to have her give him my number so we can have some fun with him!!! What a jerk!!! He had even gone into detail about how he used to play football at Notre Dame and he was going to our home school now so he could go to law school. It was like he was bragging about how great he was. He probably has a little dick and is overcompensating with his extra large ego! What a loser!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ouch! I got ants in my pants!

Since my break-up with the Ex, I haven't really felt the URGE to be with anyone. I have my occasional moment where I think about him, but just the idea of being with anyone else seems so foreign to me.

Well, not last night. I was feeling kind of lonely and didn't want to go home alone. I've been chilling out the last few days, hanging at home, and I really didn't want to do that again. It seems no one was up to anything fun though so i headed home to watch Gossip Girl. Fun Fun I know. "Kammie" was there and we did have a few beers but her and her boy toy are fighting and she was in a bad mood and decided to go to bed early.

That left me tipsy, alone, and feeling the itch. Definitely not a good combination. At one point, I got so antsy I almost called "denture boy."

A little history here about "denture boy." He is a friend of mine that I once hooked up with before me and the Ex got together. It was pretty casual and I really didn't see him very much after that as I was obviously with the Ex. A couple of weeks ago I got a text from him seeing if I wanted to get a drink. Long story short, I got drunk, we did it, and I pretty much imagined he was the Ex the whole time. Not my finest moment, I know, and he's the only person I've been with since the Ex.

At one point later, after I had kicked him out and passed out, again not my finest moment here, I started remembering things we had talked about.

Me: wow you're teeth are really looking nice
Him: thanks, they're fake
Me: You mean like veneers?
Him: No I mean fake
Me: You mean like take them out of your mouth and put them in a glass of water, fake?
Him: Yeah, my family has bad teeth and I couldn't afford veneers so...
Me: Oh, that's cool.. can we go outside so i can puke?

You know that feeling when you wake up after you've just drank huge amounts of alcohol and you're laying in bed having horrible flashbacks of things you've done and said and you just can't believe yourself? Yeah, I had one of those moments when I woke up after that night.

The girls all make fun of me for that, but hey, there's nothing wrong with him that he wants to have better teeth. We're not all made of money you know. But last night when I was getting so angsty that I almost called him, I kept thinking about that conversation we had at the bar and changed my mind.

I passed out anyways thank god. Truthfully, the only person that could really scracth that itch anyways is the Ex and im not calling him.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Kitties





So I realized that I've never shown pictures of the kitties. The top one is a picture of my exes cat Spooky, who I technically stole her from. When he wasn't around and after he moved out, she slept with me every night and I just fell in love with her. When he asked for her back, I told him no. Plus, he's never home anyway so she would just be lonely. No point in that.
The middle cat is my baby Ginger. She's a real sweetie but she doesn't like to be picked up that much because when we first got her she had ear mites and had to have medicine for a couple of months. She's very independent and quiet but she loves attention, and she has this weird attraction to men. My kind of cat!
The last cat is the cat I've had the longest, Pepper. I know parents say they don't have a favorite child, and I do love all my cats, but she is my favorite. We have this bond where I call her, her nickname is boo boo, and she comes a running, meowing all the way, and jumps on my chest to snuggle. She sure does love her momma. My friends joke I'm gonna end up as an old lady with ten cats.
And I reply, nothing wrong with that!

Break me off a Piece of That

Well, we can definitely scratch that job off the list. I should have known, but truthfully I'm trying to be optimistic. The add was for a Marketing firm to do event planning for a non-profit. Truthfully, it entails cold calling and standing outside businesses trying to sell coupons to raise money.

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against raising money, especially for something as worthwhile as breast Cancer research. But that is not what the ad said. I talked to another girlfriend and she said she had went to an interview there as well. The pay is horrible and you have to work almost ten hours a day. Forget that! Plus i HATE cold calling! I think that must be one of the worst jobs in the history of jobs. So the search continues. Technically I don't NEED a new job, but hey, it never hurts to look.

I really have nothing else to do this week. Seriously, there is nothing to look forward to this week. I know, I know, Halloween is on Friday and yeah we were planning on having this BIG party but we really haven't even planned anything. Yeah I know, we procrastinate hella. And I'm kind of broke so nothings as fun as it could be when you're broke. We'll probably just end up NOT even dressing up, buying a keg, and drinking it between ten or so people. Sounds a lot less stressful to me, that's for sure.

Oh yeah, and it's "Louie's" birthday on Thursday and we're all going to Stripper Night at the gay club! That should be a blast!! I've been there numerous times but only once on Stripper Night, but it's always fun fun! And those strippers are fricking HOT! I'll make sure to blog about that on Friday....

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Undecided

As I was sitting at work playing on the computer the other day, I hopped onto Craigslist and started trolling the job section. And I found myself pleasantly surprised. There were a lot of listings in my field and the pay for most was almost double what I make now. So I decided to apply for a few and I already have 3 interviews set up. Score!

I mean, it's not like I don't like my job. I do! But it seems to have run it's course and now I find myself bored. I can pretty much do this in my sleep and I'm really starting to lose interest. I need a challenge. And that seems to be the way I feel about life in general right now.

I also finally signed back up for school on Friday. I don't know if I've mentioned it before but this has been sort of a sore issue with me. I've always been a good student. I love school in fact. But last semester I found myself losing interest and barely making it to classes. This was mostly because of my depression and all the anxiety and stress I was going through at the time, but it also made me think about if school was where i need to be right now.

So I've actually taken a semester off to move, and get back on track with everything. Now that I'm more settled, both emotionally and psychically, I feel more confidant in getting back to classes. I'm hopeful that the extra work will get me a little more excited about things again, and will help me get over the Ex as well. I'm still a little concerned about my major, but I've decided that's normal.

I feel like I've lost some of the passion that I used to have towards school and it makes me sad. I know I've had a lot of stress lately and that may be a contributing factor but what if it isn't? What if I have lost my interest in school altogether? I really hope not. It would sure be a waste of time and money if I quit now. And I am not a quitter. I just need to get my groove back I think.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Halloween

Halloween is fast approaching and I am actually going to dress up this year. Every year people come to Madison from all over to celebrate Halloween downtown at State St. Which is pretty much thousands of drunk people dressed up and wandering around. It gets pretty hectic. The last couple of years I haven't even gone because it gets really out of control and has stopped being fun.

But this year, me and the girls are going to throw a costume party. And I'm actually going to dress up. I'm really excited but kind of nervous too. The last time I dressed up I was 17, and me and my brother went as Santa and Mrs. Clause. It was so cute. But that was so long ago.

The girls want our costumes to have some sort of theme. So I came up with going as Disney or Fairy Tales characters. I mean, there's so many of those to chose from so we would have more options.

Here's what I'm thinking... Since I'm blond..... Alice in Wonderland, Goldilocks, Rapunzel, or Tinkerbell.

We're going to go to the store and see what we see but does anyone else have any other ideas for me?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Rain Rain go away

I'm having a gloomy day. I was in the worst mood last night when I got home from work so I sat in front of the TV and vegged out until 1 am. I still don't feel much better today.

What's the problem you may ask? The problem is I miss the Ex. I have his voicemails on my phone and I hate to admit it but Ive listened to them a couple of times and they make me feel like crap. I should just erase them but I haven't heard his voice in so long and I miss it.

I want to call him so bad but I know I shouldn't. I mean what's the point? We are in different places right now and no matter what I say to him, its not going to do any good. It's just delaying the obvious conclusion that it's over; we are over.

It's what he wants right now and me secretly hoping that he'll wake up and change his mind, is not healthy for either of us. I know this. But yet I still want to call him.

And I feel horrible because I WANT to call him. I was doing so much better the last few weeks; and I was so proud of myself because of it. But I don't feel proud of myself today.

I'm allowing myself one day to feel this way and then tomorrow I'm putting it away. No more feeling sorry for myself because really, what good does it do?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Taking it slow

Last night me and the girlz went to the opening of the Tilted Kilt. A friend of ours is the manager and got us tickets, which included drinks, a free meal and dessert. The restaurant is pretty much an Irish version of Hooters, but hey, it was a free meal and an excuse to get out with the girlz. No complaining on my part. The service was lousy, we didn't get our food for almost two hours, but we had fun anyway. The food was actually pretty good but staring at other women's breasts for two and a half hours started to lose its appeal after the first half hour.

Maybe if I was a man, I might have enjoyed the Irish Britney Spears outfits they are forced to wear as a uniform, but truthfully, I don't understand how they can run around in those outfits for hours at a time serving hot food. That's a disaster waiting to happen. "Oh my god my boob is on fire." Ha Ha.

On another note, I'm supposed to be having dinner at Lemons house tonight. Well, I haven't heard from him so maybe not, but I'm kind of glad. I'm not ready. If it was just to go hang out with a friend, then I would be OK with that. But he seems to think that this would be a date and I AM JUST NOT READY.

Just the thought of going on a date is making me nauseous. For one, it's not fair to get his hopes up when i am in love with someone else and am still secretly waiting for him to wake up and come back to me. Maybe it would be OK if i could use this as a distraction in the mean time but I'm not even ready for that. I can not get the Ex out of my head no matter how i try.

I've finally come to the point where I can exist everyday without wanting to pick up the phone and call him. I'm finally to the point where I am standing up for myself and being comfortable not accepting just the scraps of his time that he reserves for me.

But that's about it right there. Too much more too soon i fear will put me into a deeper depression than i already am. I really just can not handle anymore rejection right now. And even if it wasn't rejection, i am in no way in a place where i would be good for anyone else right now.

Its weird because another friend i haven't seen in a long time asked me if i wanted to have lunch today with him. As to his intentions I'm not sure, but i have to work so it was easy getting out of that one. Whew!

Its flattering being asked out, don't get me wrong. But I'm just not ready yet.

In the meantime I have my girlz. If it wasn't for them I would be a complete mess. So thanks girls, I love you... Or in other words, Ride or Die Bitches!

Friday, October 17, 2008

I live in a Frat House

When me and "kammie" decided to get a place together there were many people who didn't think it would be a good idea. I knew that we wouldn't fight so I didn't see any problem with us living together. But that's not what people were worried about and as of these last two nights I can see where they were coming from.

As I said, I was super sick on Wednesday because we all went out for her birthday so that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I'm not sure if it was just a hangover or if i was actually sick but either way, it was bad. It might have been a combination of both because "kammie" seems to have had the same thing. Last night she couldn't even make it to the toilet and since she was feeling so bad, I ended up having to clean it up. Red Jamba Juice all over the bathroom floor. YUCK!

I know this is not the funnest post, but I just needed to make a point of how I see this going. What my friends and family meant when they said they weren't sure about us living together, did not have anything to do with how we would get along, but that we might get along too well and our partying would get out of control. I seriously felt like I was at a frat house last night cleaning up puke and almost gagging myself from the smell.

I did sit home last night and rest though, which is good because after the call I got today from the Ex, I'm definitely going out tonight and getting wasted.

Voicemail from the Ex:

"Hi, I'm just calling to say hi. You're friend Jenny came into my work today and asked me if I was your boyfriend and it was really awkward. I don't know whats going on with you but you wont answer your phone and I just want to make sure you're OK. Well, you know where I work so feel free to stop in anytime. OK bye. "

Fucker!

I know, I know. This is the man that I'm in love with, how can I call him that? Because that is exactly the way that I feel today.

I am so tired of sitting back and being there for him whenever he decides he wants to talk, and being understanding about the fact that he needs his "space" right now and doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's trying to "do him."

Well buddy, I'm "doing me" right now. And that includes not answering your calls, sparse as they are. I am not available whenever YOU decide you want to talk. I wanted to answer the phone so bad, it was almost a physical ache, and I still want to call him back, but I'm not going to.

Its better this way. He needs to realize that he cant have his cake and eat it to. Hes being selfish and hurting me in the meantime and I'm sorry, I love him, but I'm not going to do it anymore.

So YEAH ME!!