Monday, August 27, 2012

Making lemonade out of lemons

This has been one hell of a week. It started off with me getting into a fight with two of my friends because I found out they lied to me over something trivial. I don't like liars; it makes me not want to trust them, and continuously question their actions and motives. Not exactly a good recipe for a friendship. Then, I was so busy worrying about this fight I was having that I put my purse on the edge of the sink in the bathroom at work so I could do my hair, and it ended up falling in the sink. The autowash came on, pouring water right into my purse on all my stuff, and essentially ruining my ipod. To say I was upset would be an understatement.  I don't exactly have an extra $140 laying around that I could use to replace it, especially since I'm having car problems and any extra $$$ has to be set aside for repairs. So it has definitely not been my week. 

I woke up this morning though feeling absolutely amazing and better than I had all week. That feeling didn't last too long. I had a mild headache that ended up as a full-blown, head pounding migraine by the time I got home from R's house. The sun was blaring at my all the way home from his house and by the time I got home, I was running to the bathroom to be sick. So I spent most of the day huddled on the couch in my darkened living room, trying to hear as little noise as possible, and wishing I had just stayed cuddled up in bed with him all day. R went camping this weekend and came back with the sexist tan. I couldn't keep my hands off him last night. That's mostly why I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Yum. I just love a sexy man with nice sun kissed skin, in a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a pair of flip flops. Yum Yum. Doesn't get much better than that. So as I sit here in my miserable state, 50 miles away from him, at least I have the memory of that to get me through this lousy day. Oh, and some strawberry cheesecake ice cream to cool my fever down a little, season 2 of Fringe to keep me entertained, and 7th Heaven By James Patterson to read when the TV becomes just too much. I love lazy days. Back to work tomorrow and definitely not looking forward to it. Back to my lounging.....

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Mommy Please

Babies, Babies, Babies... a topic that I can not seem to get out of my head lately. My biological clock has been ticking in my ear the last couple of years, but now it is positively chiming away. Especially now that I seem to be stepping into the role as step mom to Roarke's beautiful daughter Jenna. Seeing her so much lately has really started making me want a child of my own super bad. I've been putting it off for years, using excuses such as: I haven't found the right guy, I'm not ready yet, I'm not financially secure, or even just because I'm selfish of my time and really am not looking forward to having to wake up before 10 am. While all of these reasons are justifiable, they just don't seem to be as significant as they once were. And the right guy problem seems to finally have worked itself out. Roarke is the best dad; he even has 75% custody of Jenna. So, now more than ever, I can't seem to get the baby option out of my head. We have even talked about it already, because he broke up with his ex because she didn't want any more kids and he did; and I, wanted to make sure he knew that I definitely want my own kid one day. So now lies the question?? Is it too early to stop taking birth control? I mean, we haven't even been dating for two months yet for god's sakes. So to help me make a more informed decision, here is my pros and cons list for starting the process of getting preggo:

1. Roarke is an excellent dad and even if we did break up that would never change
2. I've waited a long time and I'm not getting any younger
3. It can take a long time to get pregnant so maybe I should get started
4. I've always made excuses for why I didn't want a baby with a guy but truthfully, I can honestly say none of those apply to Roarke. I would love to have a kid with him
5. He is settled down and wants me to become more serious as well. A baby would definitely help me do that
6. I feel like there is a void in my life and I know that it's because I've been waiting to be a mother. I'm ready to start my life, grow up, and make my life mean something finally


1. I'm not living with Roarke yet and don't plan to until next year at the earliest and I don't want to have a baby until we are living together
2. Before I move out there, I need to find a job in his town and fix my car so I'm able to drive back and forth to see my family
3. Our relationship is still so new which means spending time together is incredibly important. Once a baby comes into the picture that all changes.
4. I'm just starting my relationship with Jenna too, and I want to make sure we solidify that before we add a baby into the picture who will take up a lot of my time
5. I absolutely 100% know I'm going to be a monster bitch when I'm preggo and I'm definitely not looking forward to it; and kind of want to wait until Roarke and I are completely solid so he doesn't run the other way :) (Just kidding about this one, I know he wouldn't)

So I don't know how to decide which direction to go but I'm sure the only thing to do is follow my gut. All will be revealed in time. I mean, I waited forever for Roarke to come along; I just knew in my heart that if I stopped dating jerks that the right guy would eventually come along. And look how that turned out?

Monday, July 30, 2012

I am in love!

Well, after 3 long years of being single I am finally in a committed relationship and have fallen in love again. I never thought this would happen, especially after all of the BS that I've gone through with men; but, alas, here I am. Roarke has been one of my brothers friends since 9th grade in high school so I've basically known him forever. I always had a crush on him, but it was from the eyes of a teenager who secretly pines for her brothers hot friend but realizes it will never happen. Now we are both older, and those same rules that applied in high school don't anymore, and here I am. It's been kind of weird of course; changing the way I've looked at someone I've known forever, but overall, I'm glad that I have. Over the last couple of weeks, we've done everything from go out to a fancy dinner and go bar hopping afterwards, to having a backyard BBQ for my birthday and being outted to all of our friends. The best part is he has a 5 year old daughter who is so amazing and I am beyond ecstatic to be able to have her in my life. She is the cutest little girl and we have bonded beyond anything I could have even imagined. The only downside to my happiness is the fact that Roarke lives about 40 minutes away. He has his own house, so if this relationship continues, and I pray that it does, I will eventually be moving to the town he lives in. It's smaller than Madison and I'll be away from friends and family, but I guess I have to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. Maybe moving to a smaller town will help me settle down more, and stop spending late nights at the bars with my girls. I'm 28 now and I want to have a baby something fierce but that's not going to happen if I continue on with my life that way it is. Plus, there's a smaller school system so I might be able to get a good job in a community that actually values their teachers. I guess I will just have to wait and see what the future brings and just stay optimistic for now. I will keep you posted on our progress.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Im back

I stopped writing this blog because I was planning on teaching and I had heard that having a blog on the internet was frowned upon. And I didn't have very much to say. So I stopped writing. Well, things have changed so I've decided to start writing again. I'm one credit away from graduating with my Bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education and I have no more money left for school. They won't let me take any more classes or receive my degree until I pay the 6 thousand I owe. So teaching is being put on hold temporarily unless I can find a job where they accept just an associates. We will see. In the meantime, at least I'm back writing. Things are quite different than they were last fall. I am living with my grandma now, helping her out, and taking care of her when I can. Mostly, she insists on taking care of me but hey, that's what grandma's are for, right? I've been spending more and more time away from my regular crew and have started hanging out with my brothers ex-girlfriend a lot. She's a blast and can actually drink as much as me! She's Irish! I think she and I were made to be friends. The best news of all though is that I've started dating someone new. And he is unbelievable an actual good guy! I still can't believe my luck but I knew that if I just held out and stopped messing around with douche bags that I would eventually find the right one. He wants the same things in life that I do so hopefully we can make this work. I'll post more about this later, I just wanted to send out a quick post letting you know that I plan to continue writing my blog! It feels good to be back!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

So Unhappy

Why is it so hard for men to just live up to their expectations ? Every time I ask Mitch for anything, even just a little thing, he fucks it up. I know a lot of the things I ask him may seem like I don’t have the authority to ask, but I do it because I have no other way to have him prove to me that he’s changed. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my crazy, mixed up brain but I don’t know if it makes sense to other people. Tonight is the first night in forever that I’ve actually wanted to buy a bottle of liquor and just get wasted. That's a horrible way to feel, especially since I'm not supposed to be drinking but I just want this feeling to go away. I know it’s not a solution but I think I finally realized tonight that nothing is ever going to change. HE is never going to change. The worst part is, I actually slept with him last night. It’s been awhile since I had any so I was feeling really lonely and horny last night and asked him if he would “service” me. It was so good, and sweet, that I guess I ended up acting like a girl. It's not like I want to get back together or anything but he's starting to wear me down. Every time we talk he guilt trips me because I don't want to get back together and he does. So I've started feeling bad and thinking that maybe I'm just emotionally damaged and he has changed. Then tonight, he promises me he'll be back in an hour. He's only going home to shower and take care of some stuff. Three hours later and he's still not here. What the hell is wrong with me?! I know him. I know he can’t be trusted and he never follows through with anything, so why do I put myself through this? I must be a masochist, or maybe a glutton for punishment. Definitely a sucker. For sure! It's just that I'm so tired of being alone that I actually want to believe the good in him. Unfortunately, the only person suffering is me. Lovely.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Four steps backward

I am sitting here on this lovely Friday night and feeling very anxious. I can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. My lease is up at the end of the month and my situation is really messed up. I can't afford to get a place by myself right now so I've agreed to move in with my Bestie and her boyfriend. I've never lived with her before because she's almost 29 and still can't take care of herself. I have always felt that if we ever lived together it would be the end of our very long friendship. I don't want that. I really do love her a lot but her house is the house I go to when I want to party or the place everyone crashes at after the party is over. It's not the place you live at. It's not the place you go home to after a long days work and kick your feet up in the living room with a book and relax. I need my space. I need my quiet time. It's detrimental to my health. And there is always someone there. I don't think that house is ever quiet. It's like a frat house. I don't want to live in a frat house. I'm an adult. It's OK to go over there once in awhile and party but it's nice to be able to leave and come home to a HOME.

So I'm sitting here on the eve of what feels like the end of my freedom. There are always going to be people around me now no matter the time of the day. It's really eye opening and kind of nerve wracking.

One of the worst parts about the whole situation is that I had to get rid of one of my cats. Robbie already has two cats and a dog so I didn't want to bring my three cats over there. Ginger is the quietest of my three cats and she doesn't like being around a lot of people. I thought the best thing to do would be to let her live with Kammie for the next couple of months until I get my own place. Kammie used to be my roommate so Ginger knows her and will feel comfortable with her. I took Ginger to her house tonight and I swear it feels like I've lost one of my own kids. I didn't realize it would be this difficult but I am really sad to be parted with her. I've had her for 7 years; ever since she was a baby. So I guess it is kind of like parting with one of my own kids. This whole situation really blows.

I'm going to try to make the best of the situation once I get there. If I get overwhelmed I'm going to separate myself in my room and take some alone time. I'll really be saving on rent so that will be nice and every time I get stressed out I'll just repeat that over and over.

But tonight I can't help but be overcome with anxiety. Maybe I'll go take a valium and go to bed. There's nothing productive about sitting around worrying about things you can't change right?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sick as shit

I spent a lovely two days in the hospital this week. The embarrassing part about the whole situation is that I’ve been there so much the ER doctor recognized me straight away. Didn’t even have to pull my history to see what I was there about. Pretty fucking lame if you ask me. I have a disease called pancreatitis and you usually get it from drinking too much or its hereditary. I am a double whammy, meaning it runs in my family and I drink too much. Or at least I did drink too much. Now I drink considerably less than I used to but it’s still considered too much because even one drop off alcohol now is too much for my pancreas to deal with. The ironic part of this situation is that I hadn’t even been drinking this time to cause the flare up.

I came home from work and was cooking dinner (Chinese), and then I started getting the stomach pains. At this point in the game I can tell how strong the attack will be just by the strength of the pains. This one wasn’t letting up so I headed into the ER. They tested my pancreas levels, (I can never remember the name. It’s like lybase, or licase levels). The normal level is up to 60 and mine were at 798, so they told me I had to be admitted.

The next two days are not any kind of fun. Even though they doped my up on dilauded every two hours, and gave me my own room, I wasn’t allowed to have any food or water the whole time. The point of being there is to give my pancreas a rest, so that means no food or water and being hooked up to the IV for two days. And I can’t even eat any good food for at least a week.

This is such a horrible disease but I am doing everything they say I should because the alternatives are not acceptable to me. I can either become a diabetic or will end up not being able to digest my food. I don’t have insurance anymore so this whole experience probably put me thousands of dollars in the hole. I can’t even blame anyone for my circumstances because I’ve basically put myself in this situation. No more binge drinking for me. Life is so awesome right now I can’t even explain it.